Parenting a young adult (over 18) with mental health problems - have been destroyed by thinking it's my fault

[BlueFishRedFish]

I've name changed for this as I wouldn't want ds ever to piece 2 and 2 together

My son (age 19) has had a variety of mental health problems his whole life but is incredibly secretive. I finally managed to get him some help a few years ago and he will go and see the psychiatrist but even when he was under 18, he refused to let either me or his dad even talk to the psychiatrist or the doctor despite the psychiatrist actively encouraging him to let us do so.

He has been self harming since he was around 14/15. He hasn't self harmed in around 6 months now (he has an app that records when he last did it and he showed it to me, which is progress of some sort!).

He gets psychosis (particularly hearing voices) - his diagnosis at the moment is major depression with psychotic episodes but apparently (and this is all from him rather than a doctor) there is a question mark as to whether he may be diagnosed with either schitzophrenia or bipolar disorder. He is on anti depressants plus anti psychotics.

He recently came back from university with scars from where he had hurt himself (just an accident cooking) but never sought medical care. I sat down to try and speak to him and he felt he had treated himself appropriately - he had cleaned up the wound well it seems but it has left a big burn scar :(. We had probably the closest chat we've ever had and he admitted the voices in his head are always me :(. When he was younger, he hated coming out of his room so when I cooked dinner, I would always shout for him to come down for dinner up the stairs and apparently it's this voice he hears in his head (me shouting his name and asking him to come down).

It's just completely floored me. I've felt absolutely dreadful all weekend. I'm pleased he told me but I wish he had told me when it was happening :(. Apparently the reason he didn't respond was because he couldn't tell whether it was really my voice calling him or the voice in his head. It still happens now and he has no idea what his triggers are - he can be completely happy when it happens he says and it just does.

Is it something I've done or could have done differently? All his other siblings are boisterous/happy go lucky type dc and he has always been more sensitive and I now feel maybe if I had been more gentle with him perhaps as a child, he might not be where he is today :(.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry that your son is suffering like this and I guess it's understandable you would question if there is anything you could have done differently.

I just wanted to say that in my experience, from having pretty severe anxiety issues since a teen but also working in health social care, there are so many things that will have contributed to your sons mental health including his genetics, life experiences, diet etc. I think we all carry around the voices of our parents in our heads a bit so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. You sound like you care, he's getting professional support and you are continuing to be there for him. Easy to say but I'd give the guilt a miss 💐

thank you so much @rainbowninja

your post has made me a bit teary today. I just don't want him to suffer and the thought that I may have contributed to it, even in a small way, was really upsetting me. You're right - I need to put the guilt to one side and just focus on making sure he can manage and hopefully be able to enjoy life.

Glad it helped @BlueFishRedFish

And yes I don't think guilt is terribly constructive, it tends to make us want to fix things or people when what they really need is acceptance and it sounds like the more your son knows he is accepted the more he will trust you 👍🏻

You know I had never thought of it that way but you are right. The guilt I feel does make me want to fix him. I'm also the child of a parent who had very severe psychosis who was hospitalised for a large part of my life so I also have this fear for how his life might develop.

His psychiatrist says he's doing well - I should just accept that. I don't mind if he's more reliant on me as he gets older than his siblings - I just don't want him to suffer.

It might sound odd but you've really made me think today and I hugely appreciate that as I don't have many people I can talk to in real life about this who understand.

I'm so sorry your son is going through this op and of course when your child suffers you do too.

If it is a psychotic illness he has,
it is your genetics which make a person susceptible and the environmental bits may trigger an episode in someone with that vulnerability.

There is no way that you calling him down for dinner during childhood has caused any of this and I say this as a MH nurse. I think its normal as a mother to feel guilt but ultimately that doesn't help either of you.

You sound like a lovely mum and just the kind of parent he will be lucky to have in his corner.

Thank you so much @Shimmyshimmycocobop

Yes I think it will turn out to be severe bipolar rather than schitzophrenia but it's not fully diagnosed yet. They do say the illness may change a bit as he gets older but it appears to be settling in a pattern I think rather than getting better but stability and awareness are good I think.

I'm trying not to think too far ahead. At the moment I can't see him ever holding down a job - but then again 2 years ago I didn't see him managing at university and he's done a year sort of unscathed so maybe I'm being too pessimistic!

@BlueFishRedFish I'm so glad, it sort of helped me too actually to articulate something I've experienced myself. Not easy having mental health issues in your own parents and then being worried about how it might effect yourself or your own children. Happy to talk anytime xxx