Due to various covid related reasons, I moved back to the town I grew up in in 2020, having previously lived and worked in a different part of the country. My job is now fully remote, so I don't see my colleagues in person anymore (my social life was previously centred around work).
I have found that old feelings like insecurity, doubt and suspicion have started creeping up on me - things I used to feel when I was a child having a bad time in school. I know it's being set off by my environment, but unfortunately I'm going to be here for the foreseeable.
My fear is that I turn into the anxious, negative, unreliable and cold person I used to be. I've worked hard to become more positive, trusting and light-hearted, but the return of these old feelings suggests they were never really far away, maybe that they have been the 'real me' all along.
I'm currently single, and there's no way the 'new old me' could form a relationship. The feelings of anxiety and melancholy mean I crave time alone, and I have a very short fuse and little sense of humour.
It's just rubbish. I got in touch with a few old friends who are still in the area and we've been out a few times which has been nice in one sense but hasn't really helped in the other. If anything, it's cemented my feelings of going backwards. We bumped into some of the people who were unpleasant to me in school and we were all nice and polite to each other, it's clear they're doing well and have probably changed (as I thought I had), but the feelings of inferiority and exclusion I used to feel around them hit me like a brick.
I'm also aware of the overuse of the word 'I' in this post and how self-centred it makes me sound. But then the 'old me' was very inwardly focused (self-centred really) and if I'm the old me again I guess that explains it.
I just feel like everything I've built for myself, the life and state of wellbeing I've cultivated over the years is coming apart at the seams like the facade it must have always been and what is left is an unpleasant, incapable child, who dislikes and is disliked by others.
In the grand scheme of things, I know I shouldn't be complaining. I have a roof over my head and food to eat and I'm lucky to live in a country with relatively decent if not perfect healthcare and access to amenities. But really that just adds more guilt to the fact I'm complaining.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for by posting. I don't know how relatable any of the above is. Suppose I'm just taking the chance that it will be read by someone who understands and/or has any advice to offer. Thanks for reading, anyway.