Self-care after abuse

[Luckingfovely]

Okay, so this is terrifying for me, but I need to ask for support, and I hope that's okay.

Child of an abusive marriage and an abusive father.

Have drunk too much and smoked too much all my life. Very happily married with gorgeous DC.

I've had so much therapy over the years, but nothing seems to scratch the surface.

I really want to recover and be the best possible me, for my husband and my children, and my business.

I don't want to keep abusing my body with alcohol and nicotine any more, but I can't seem to stop. It's a way to blank out pain, I guess.

Has anyone else been like this, and offer any advice? I feel like I'm drowning in my own misery, and can't find a way to get past it.

I'm wishing for a magic wand, but know that it doesn't exist. I know there has to be hard work ahead of me, but I don't know how to start, or what to believe, or what to follow. I feel so lost.

...anyone?

I want to know the answer. I’m listening.

If it's possible that you're suffering from ptsd have you had/thought of having emdr?

From my own experience of abuse, it works.

Meditation (lots of it) and a support group like the AA to help you work through the emotions as you detach from the alcohol. There are some great meditations for releasing trauma on YouTube. Do you get out in nature? I found going for long walks somewhere really helped me to let go and also writing everything down and burning it or ripping it up with intention to let the trauma leave me.

For the alcohol I found reading the joy of being sober, think it’s by Katherine gray. I’ve not drunk since 01/01/21. I’ve also had lots of therapy but I’m still not the person I want to be. Anxious or on edge, low self esteem etc. I keep meaning to try meditation but not really sure where to start.
Good luck just one step at a time

@Legoandbarefeet

Try typing in 'Spoken meditation for trauma' or 'guided meditation for trauma' to YouTube and you can do hour long ones or fifteen minute ones. Loads of them will talk you through the breathing.

Jason Stehenson is my personal favourite with his soothing voice but there are also less spiritual practitioners if that's something you prefer.

If you do one a day (or just keep doing one you enjoy each day) you will get used to it with time.

Thank you all for your advice. I have the book and will pick it up again. I have been dabbling in mediation with the Calm app, but making it an essential daily thing will solidify that, I think.

Getting outside is a huge goal for me and I need to get over myself and do it. I've piled on weight after lockdown and several injuries and operations in the last few years, and am mostly hiding in the house and not moving, which I know compounds the problem.

I'm really ready to put in the work, and I think I'm looking for something to flip my mindset into proper self care rather than proper self abuse. Long term consistency is the hardest for me, I fail every weekend and the cycle begins again.

Maybe the answer is that I have to do that for myself - and that's the part that I can't seem to grasp. Thank you all again.