BPD becoming overwhelming

[Smafa]

I'm a 43 yr old FTM w BPD who doesn't feel love from 5m baby.
Hubby & I joint caregivers, but I don't feel connected enough. I also have fibromyalgia & am physically limited. Hubs is amazing, v "hands on" dad & also cares for me. I try so hard to be a mother but I feel so useless & helpless...usually fight it, just lately it makes me so sad & angry when baby gives love & laughs etc to hubs but not me. & it's even worse if he cries with me but not with him. I have to leave the room to cry, then I actually avoid baby for a while as if to try to protect my heart (as if that were possible).
I think I'm so scared of being a bad mum I'd almost rather not be a mum. This thought terrifies me which only increases my pain/fatigue/anxiety, which means I can do even less for baby, which means hubs does more, which makes him bond w baby even more...& so it goes on.
I don't know what to do. Any advice gratefully appreciated.

It sounds like classic post natal depression. Are you on meds for the BPD?

See the GP. You sound depressed. Also, just because they laugh and smile more at dad doesn't mean they don't love you too. They just spend more time with him.

Thanks to both of you for responding, I appreciate it.

I'm on anti-depression & anti-anxiety meds long term; they don't do a thing for this. Also painkillers & anti-inflammatories regularly.

I'm scared to tell anyone, it just goes too deep. I realise how irrational it sounds, but I swear, sometimes they're giggling at each other & I feel like they're stabbing me in the heart.

Having BPD is such a difficult mental health issue to experience. Your emotions can feel so huge and affect your perception of reality. Added to the ups and downs of being a new mum which can be overwhelming anyway. It's a lot.

I don't have advice as such. Just solidarity. Do you have a peri natal mental health team / psychiatrist or understanding health visitor you can seek real life support from?

You can find a way through this. I did. You just need the right tools and to be kind to yourself.

I think you need to speak to your gp xx

Thank you for replies but I don't feel able to talk to any RL people, except people with BPD I met in DBT - wow; acronym overload - but I haven't seen them for ages cos of Covid...& it's not something I can say on the phone.
But I do feel a bit better for getting it out. Thank you 💜

Your very awareness of your condition means that you won't be a bad mum. Might be a not too "usual" one, but that isn't a crime. You do the best you can, and if you ever feel your behaviour towards your child has been "wrong", you can explain and apologize to them when they're old enough. Which is surprisingly young. (I've been there :) )

And (I know this is hard) be nice to yourself. See you and your partner as one parental unit. Fibromyalgia is grim enough without everything else! If your baby is getting enough from you both as a team, you're doing great. And 5 months is still so new.

Hi OP, I’m a mum of someone with BPD...I hope I can offer some words of support and encouragement. I think there’s a few things for you to consider here.

1. young infants and evolutionarily speaking selfish; they have to be in order to survive the perilous first few months of life. So they are not yet mature enough to give you the validation cues which your condition predisposes you to crave more than a neurotypical mum.
2. when the baby does laugh or smile...often it is not a spontaneous reaction to parenting that you are seeing but a mimicking of the parents facial expressions that the baby is merely copying. Try it. Stick your tongue out and see if baby copies you!
3. remember if your baby appears to cry with you more than DP, that is actually an excellent thing! As your baby grows into a little person they will learn that crying, expressing pain and fear to you is safe and ok...that is actually amazing and you should not discourage it. You will be a trusted parent that gives a safe space for self expression ....given your own condition, can’t you see how important that is? Please have faith...you sound amazing OP. Just don’t expect too much of babies in terms of validation or appreciation....but you CAN ask your DP a to give you a bit more. Hang in there. I hope one day I will be a granny and can support my DD with her BPD and being a mum. Talk to your DBT group as much as you can. Try not to bottle up your sadness.