I need to talk this through with someone please.

[Goshitstricky]

I've come to a horrible realisation that I might have a problem.

Due to a family bereavement I was dieting through a lifetime of photos. There's none of me as a baby with my family which made me really sad and I don't know if grief of this loss is making me more emotional and possibly oversensitive.

I realised looking through the pictures that I can't remember any of it, I can't remember being a child. The first memory I have is grabbing hold of my middle and making the decision to stop eating much and not tell anyone, I think it was a control thing. I must have been about 8-9 yrs old. Looking at photos though of that time I was slim.

This led me to evaluate my issues with weight as an adult. I am very overweight but I cannot diet without a switch flicking and competitive under eating starts (with myself as competition) and I quickly switch to dangerous and toxic thought patterns, like rewarding myself for not eating all day by buying something new.

I can't speak to anyone IRL because I'm fat they'll laugh and think it's an excuse not to do something about it but it's really not, I'm scared of myself and how quickly I switch to starving myself when I decide to diet. It's like a second person living in me.

I eat quite a restrictive diet and I found dropping whole foods groups quite simple but if I'm honest I'm scared of food, I eat blindly and as such I'm 3.5 stone overweight.

My joints are knackered so I can't do much exercise but I do see a private physio to teach me how to work out safely and I have quite a physical job. My body in general is so broken, heart disease, auto immune disease.

As said I think the recent bereavement is bringing it to a head, I'm the sorter and organiser of the family so rather than crying I get stuff done. I'm feeling a bit lost today. Thanks for listening.

I would hazard a guess that your decision to lose weight as a child was triggered by some comment(s) - innocent or otherwise - from a parent or significant adult.

As a result you developed a 'core belief' that you need to control your eating but, because the belief (and the rules your mind constructed around it to justify it) embedded it's self before you were able to think critically about food and nutrition, you have now got a very unhealthy relationship with eating.

The good news is that you can undo this! I would suggest finding a counsellor who works with food related issues so that you can change your thinking and your emotional relationship with food.

As @Sarahlou63 says, it's really possible to undo this and to change your relationship with food.

I think your first step is to get back a good relationship with yourself. Beating yourself up, being competitive about food, etc. hasn't brought a good result to date (rarely if ever does), so try being a bit kinder to yourself. Encouraging behaviour will get you further than pulling yourself down. So what if you haven't been able to figure out the weight thing yet? How many attempts did it take for you to learn to walk?

So instead of eating restrictively I would ask: what ONE thing can I do today that is just a little bit better than yesterday? Decide and commit to it. Then repeat tomorrow. And the next day. Getting back a sense of commitment in yourself will bring back a sense of control.

I know you can do this and, deep down, you know you can do this too