My husband doesn't like me

[Herewegoagaine]

I've been unhappy for some time, so separated from DH a few months ago. We decided to reconcile recently and after a long, tiring day and feeling very hungry, I snapped at DC who was misbehaving. Nothing terrible just a tired Mum at the end of her rope.

DH ignored me all evening as a result and I had that horrible feeling of self loathing wash over me.

I have spoken to him about it and shared that I'm a Mum, wife, teacher just trying my best and now and then, I might snap or become irritable. He can't seem to cope with it. I asked him of he even likes me and there was too long a pause. He elaborated afterwards on liking me sometimes and not others. He's very laid back overall and quite stoic, to a point that I think his lack of reaction to things is abnormal. His own mother is very mild and by his own admission, has never really told him off.

But him making me feel like a monster for having limits and feelings is just wearing on my mental health. I realise it now hes home again.

I've put this here instead of relationships as he lurks in that forum because he's aware of me using it in the past.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm glad he's home because the practical load has reduced, but I'm back to feeling yuck about myself.

You need to end it. Yes, you’d have more to do but you’d feel happier.
Being back together has brought ‘self loathing ‘ and ‘feeling yuck’’.

It sounds very sad.

I gather you didn't seek marital counseling - do you think it's beyond help?

What happens next is up to you, but it's certainly not a good way to live. Do you have any relatives or close friends that you could talk it out with?

These kind of things are always so upsetting. Personally i think it's hard to tell what's going on from just your retelling of it.

Would an observer agree that it was just normal tired mum snapping at the kids behaviour? I know sometimes we (by which I mean me!) can downplay our own screw-ups as a defence mechanism (not saying that you have done this, just checking). If he thought you were really awful to the kids it can be hard to know how to respond/behave around you afterwards.

Was the ignoring full on silent treatment? If I was then I think that's always pretty bad news and can be an abuse tactic. He's not worth your time if he's like that. But if he just quietened right down and avoided you a bit because he didn't want a fight/wasn't sure how to deal with your outburst at the kids then it might be another matter.

Then there's your feeling of self-loathing. Is that a direct result of how he treats you? Or is it something that is triggered in you during conflict, maybe as a result of a stressful upbringing with lots of parental conflict?

It's a difficult balance of being important to listen to how you feel whilst also not giving feelings too much weight over facts (and trying to pick apart where feelings have actually come from).