BPD sufferers please share coping techniques

[Spudnik5678]

I’m looking for ideas and techniques to use in ‘episodes’ of BPD - typically being triggered by something that sends me into a spiral of fear of being abandoned or hurt.
Backstory is I’m that I am 32 and finally diagnosed with BPD around 4 years ago. Experienced poor mental health as long as I can remember, engaged on and off (more recently on again) with self harm, been in several abusive relationships etc. I’ve come such a long way and completed 2 years worth of psychotherapy which really helped me understand why I am the way that I am, cut ties with destructive people and met abs fell in love with a wonderful man, the first person I’ve known to treat me well, love me for me without being manipulative or abusive.
The trouble is I am SO damaged by my past experiences that it is really affecting what could be the most incredible relationship. I am in constant fear of being hurt and rejected , despite the fact my loving DP has never done anything to warrant me feeling that way.
It’s starting to take its toll and he says no matter what he says to try and convince me that he loves me and won’t hurt me I don’t believe him. I want to believe him and feel I mostly do but I can’t completely let my guard down.
We are arguing a lot and it’s nearly always due to me being triggered by something. It could be something small like a plan to have dinner changed because he was late coming home from work or something (in my head) bigger like him planning a trip away with his make friends - cue incoming fears of being forgotten about , cheated on , not good enough, not what he wants , thinking he doesn’t want a family life because he also wants to get drunk with his friends occasionally 🥺😞. I know it sounds irrational but others with similar traumas abs BPD may understand how consuming these fears are.
Our entire weekend was ruined by one of these episodes , I cried so much, shaking in fear , thoughts of self harm abs suicide, threatened to leave and go home on my own (we were away for weekend).
All the advice I read says when you feel scared do things like - take a bath, go for a walk in the park, exercise etc but in real life often these things are completely impractical and won’t make any difference . Does anyone have tips on how to calm down and express my fears without it turning into an argument?
I’ve offered a DBT work book but the preview of that also says things like instead f cutting, draw on your arm or squeeze an ice cube - how can I do that when I’m hiding upstairs in a friends house , freaking out and away from home ??
I love my partner so much and I don’t want to push him away. I don’t want to live in fear for the rest of my life.
Sorry so long winded. Any advice much appreciated!

Are you still having therapy? It sounds like you would benefit from being able to continue to work through the thought patterns associated with your BPD. Your thought patterns are irrational and, as you’ve said, your DP hasn’t done anything to cause you to mistrust him. I think you need to work on recognising when you are entering an irrational thought pattern before you reach crisis point and trying to change it. I would speak to your GP (or if you have specific support for your BPD with the person in charge of your care) about trying to access more help and/ or therapy. In my local area there is a free BPD support group so something like that might be an option where you can talk to others about coping strategies.

Have you had CBT before? If not and if you can’t afford private therapy or the waiting list through the nhs then it might be the easiest therapy to access through a charity, it is worth seeing if there is anything available in your area. It may help you to manage the intrusive thoughts and the spiralling.

In terms of expressing your fears to your DP I think it is worth remembering that many of your fears are irrational and it sounds like the things your DP wants to do, such as go out with his friends, are reasonable or, in the case of staying late at work, likely beyond his full control. Instead of trying to express your fears to him verbally where they are likely to cause an argument could you try instead writing them down so that you can share them without giving him something to react with? I understand the need to express your fears but truly when they are irrational and in response to your DP doing normal things it is a bit unreasonable to expect him to repeatedly have to try and reassure you without becoming frustrated.

DBT is very successful for people with BPD so I would definitely recommend making your way through the workbook. Some of the suggestions such as squeezing ice may not be useful in the short-term for every situation but in the long term it should help you to build up a bank of coping strategies and you can then choose the most relevant one to your situation.

In terms of calming down I wonder if an app such as Calm Harm (for managing self harm urges) or Headspace, Calm or a similar meditation app might work? You need something to focus on when you are freaking out to pull you out of the intrusive thoughts, writing a journal/ letter always helped me but I know others who find apps helpful.

Distress Tolerance skills. They are pretty accessible, no need to have done any therapy to use them.

Sorry for the slow response. I really appreciate your replies. I did psychotherapy for 2 years and am about to be discharged from psychiatry so I think they feel there’s not much else they can do for me. I have made considerable progress in the last 2 years but I know I will always struggle with certain aspects of my life to some degree.
I’ve started the DBT workbook and will carry on with that.
I will also look into distress tolerance skills too - thank you.
It’s such a difficult illness to manage at times . I feel my partner doesn’t really get it and will often question my thinking patterns even though they are nearly always fuelled by the same triggers . I get it’s not easy to be in a relationship with me either though.