What to just go to sleep and not wake up

[TruelyStruttingHotpants]

Feeling so tired constantly now. I have been unwell for months and only going to get worse. The hospital have been poking and prodding me all day. I find myself praying that something will go badly wrong during their tests or I will have a bad reaction to the anesthetic. To sleep for ever is my only wish at the moment.
I feel so guilty but can't help how I feel. No future awaiting me that doesn't have pain or hospitals in it.
I need out and can't do much about it because that would hurt people. If only me then I would be arranging to go to dignitas soon.

That sounds rough, I’m sorry. Are they trying to diagnose you?

Can your doctor prescribe something to help you relax/sleep?

Op ....you sound in a very bad way. Are you trying to get some kind of diagnosis? Try not to despair, things are rarely so bleak that the futility you describe is the only way. Are you a mum? I’m sure you must have a lot of people who cherish and need you. When a person ends their life apparently it profoundly impacts the lives of about 130 others ...family, friends, work colleagues, school friends, associates. Your pain goes but it lives within the lives of others. Hang on OP, find strength and hope...you have so much more to give and live for.

I ha diagnoses that isn't great. My condition will just get worse over time.

So everything they do now is just about treating side effects and making me comfortable. Which doesn't seem to work a lot of the time.

I keep trying to find new ways to keep going but everything is hard. I can't do much most days. Am past knowing now how much that is a physical thing or a mental thing. I know the discomfort and tiredness is affecting me badly mentally too.

I think mental state can affect physical well being and vice versa. Have you talked about these thoughts with your gp? Perhaps you could try some anti depressants - they are not a panacea and take several weeks to work, but it might be something big to try if you haven’t already

I often feel the same way. Living life through an illness is no way to exist. People will try to persuade you not to take your own life but in the end the decision is yours alone and your life belongs to you.

I have taken anti depressants in the past. Back when my father dead. At the moment I suppose they feel like they would be yet another pill rattling around inside me.

Last time I found they affected my personality a bit too. I worry so much of me is gone already

Think I am probably here just needing to write this down. Work it out of my head or something. I do come back to the same thing a lit lot though. This constant wanting not to wake up. Not being able to cope with my new life. I had a very good life before. I miss that life and that person. Plus knowing that my body will continue to pack up on me isn't great.

@memberofthewedding

I often feel the same way. Living life through an illness is no way to exist. People will try to persuade you not to take your own life but in the end the decision is yours alone and your life belongs to you.

Thank you for understanding that. I wasn't expecting anyone too

If it was just me then dignitas or driving over a cliff would have happened in by March. However I wouldn't do that to t husband and kids. Even if some times I am desperate to end this. Not sure seeing me half the person I was is good but still. I will not give them more hurt than necessary

I know how you feel a little bit. Long term, painful condition with no cure and no treatment seems to touch it when it flares up.

I haven't killed myself because I don't want to hurt my family or my counsellor.

That is the thing isn't it. To many other people would get hurt. It doesn't make this easier to deal with though.

Yesterday I had some very invasive investigations. Camera down my throat etc. All in aid of seeing if they can fix me up a bit. The trouble is the procedures to much for me. I just don't want and can't deal with any of it.

Curling up in a ball and sleeping is my only wish right now. Even as I do that I am hoping not to wake☹

I just want to send hugs. Maybe there is a little glimmer of hope for you today.

Thank you for the hugs❤

Just ticking along today. Still feeling sore from tests but better than I did.

Today I am writing a list of things that need doing when I get some energy. So that is occupying my mind a bit. Have started a new book too. Reading when my eyes are not to tired stops me overthinking everything. Good distraction and all that.

Just writing on this thread to get these thoughts and feelings expressed is helpful. Not good at talking about this in person. I can tell it upsets people or they have moral issues even if they try to hide it. My psychology background works against me when dealing with family and medical experts. Always been able to read people very accurately.

Been trying to keep myself busy today but the pain keeps coming in waves. Doesn't exactly help my head space to accept my new normal.

Taken some tablets to help me sleep. So hopefully I can get a few hours tonight.

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine what you must be going through. The only thing I can do is send more hugs.
have you got the BBC sounds app? They have audio books if your eyes are too tired to read.

That is a good idea for my off times. Thank you ❤

I was at one point wondering about podcasts etc. People are always talking about them. Somehow such things have gone completely out of my mind at the moment. Once I get tired or mentally upset and down just can't think straight. Organising myself is something I need to do.

Not good, not good, not good at all

My pIn has slowly been getting worse since Wednesday. Today I can barely get up. Really trying to avoid having to go back in hospital. However not sure I am going to last the night without ending up in A&E

So totally pissed off. A night full of needles and getting moved about. What pigging joy. My life is officially rather rubbish. Using life in a very loose way there. Not feeling like much life goes on these days. I exsist!

So sorry to hear this Truely. How are you feeling now?

Oh better in some ways and not in others.

I think overall my head is in a better place.

Physically I am not doing as well. Little one has had to go to a childminder whilst my husband is at work for a few weeks now. It wasn't safe for her to be alone with me. I can't run around after her anymore etc. Now things have moved on a bit more in the last couple of weeks and I can no longer pick her up. Even her sat on my lap sometimes is to painful. So that isn't exactly great.

I am coping enough for now though. Better than I was mentally. Finding more things to keep me busy and stop me dwelling on things.