Health anxiety

[Troubledgirl]

Hello everyone,
I’m not sure I’m doing this right as it’s my first post and I understand that other people have posted about this but I really need to talk about this before I speak to my gp tomorrow. I know no one can give really help what I’m going through but I just need to get it off my chest. It would be nice to speak to someone who’s going through the same thing.
So abit of background in 27 with 4 beautiful children ages 9,6,4 and 2. I’ve always been a worrier but my anxiety/ocd started when I was in a domestic violent relationship. Anyway I’ll get to the point. 2 days ago 1st June I noticed I had like a lumpy line appeared on my areola so obviously then my anxiety started. I kept prodding and poking an it went red. I noticed it looked like it was bruising. Wether or not it was my fault this happened or the bruise was appearing before this. Anyway now I have lumpy lines on my areola an a bruise above it. I spoke to the doctor yesterday for another issue I have (unrelated to anxiety, to do with my contraceptive injection) I told her about it. She said with things like this we give it a week especially as it does sound like a bruise an then if it’s still there I should call back the doctors next week to get a breast examination. I felt fine after that but then I thought she hasn’t seen it what if it gets worse say if I’m dieing and it’s too late to treat. I then started having panic attacks uncontrollable crying sobbing in fact. The thought of leaving my children is absolutely killing me. The last 2 days I haven’t eaten I’m controlled by this fear. I’m not stop googling reading forums. The more I look the more I check the more I freak out. I’m constantly seeking reassurance from my partner and my mum. I feel okay then check the boob an it’s started again. Im pretty sure I’m having physiological symptoms because now I’m feeling stinging and pain in both breast that I didn’t before every time I look at it the more abnormal I believe it looks. My poor partner must of checked it a thousand times. I’ve caused myself tension but my head is telling me the cancer is spreading. I’m just so tired of this. I’m tired of the fear the crying the heart racing the lot. I feel like tomorrow is taking so long to come around. I’m so convinced something is wrong. I’m so afraid of everything. Getting help with my problems getting checked out not getting checked out. It’s all becoming to much. I just want some support from anyone who actually understands me just so I know I’m not alone. I really don’t need no negativity right now because I’m beyond low right now an as I said I am speaking to a doctor tomorrow
Thank you for your time in reading my long essay.

Hi, I know exactly how you feel. I’m constantly convinced that I have cancer. When one symptoms goes another one appears. I to constantly think I’m going to die and leave my daughter behind it is awful. I’m sorry you’re going through the same thing

Hello I’m sorry I’m so late with my reply I’m trying to get use to using this site lol it like a living nightmare isn’t it. I seemed to of got better after a week or so but now that feeling is creeping back. That dreaded feeling in the bottom of stomach. I hate being like this. I’m sorry your going through the same thing as me. Dr google kills me but yet I still find myself researching this stuff. I hope your okay and thank you for replying to me.

Hi, sorry to hear your anxiety is creeping back. It tends to do that doesn’t it :( I have been recommended a book, I bought it on Amazon called ‘overcoming health anxiety’ it might be worth a try. I’m about half way through and it seems good. It makes you realise that health anxiety is a real condition and has made me feel slightly better. I’m always on the look out for symptoms or lumps. It does tend to take over doesn’t it x

Yea it does. It never leaves the back of your mind but something just flips an then your back to worrying. Thank you so much for the recommendation for the book. I’ll have to order it. I’m happy it seems to be helping you so far. It really does when I have bad phases of a particular worry I fixate on that problem nothing or no one can tell me otherwise an it’s always around breast cancer. I’m exactly the same even though im terrified of my breast they terrify me and I know that sounds ridiculous but I always seem to find something wrong. Then I get physiological symptoms like armpit and breast pain. When I had the bruise on the top of my breast I believe I damaged some vessels there they very light and been there since the bruise. The bruise has gone but the broken blood vessels are still there but so light. Never bothered me before I get them all over my body sometimes but the stupid gremlin in my head shows itself an now I’m back to worrying about inflammatory breast cancer. I just can’t catch a break. Thank you again for the book recommendation.

If you don’t mind me asking have you tried medication? That’s another thing that worries me taking medication I don’t know why but I just get worried but I’m starting to think I really need it x

Oh I’m sorry to hear about your worries :( you’re soo not alone! I had similar concerns last week I had pain in my underarms and was feeling for lumps ect. I have a seemingly permanent lymph node I can feel in my neck that the dr said is fine, but I felt and poked it so much I made a bruise on my neck, so the odd bruise you see could be due to the same thing. In the book I’m reading it says if you’re always poking and feeling for lumps you will start to get pain and swelling in that area which is so true! I find breast pain worrying too but i tell myself it’s hormonal. Every symptom I get I always convince myself it’s the worst case. :( I haven’t tried medication yet, I’ve been prescribed it but I haven’t taken it as the side effects worried me. Because of my swollen lymph node I fear lymphoma massively, and one of the symptoms for lymphoma is night sweats, (I don’t have those) but it is also a side effect for the medication I was prescribed, so I’m terrified to take it because I’ll most likely give myself those side effects (night sweats) and convince myself I could have lymphoma. I know it sounds sooo silly but that’s just the way my mind works :( the info on it also said the medication makes your anxiety worse for the first few weeks and I just don’t feel strong enough for that right now. That being said I know some people have really positive experiences with their medication and it works for them, so I’m not completely writing it off but for now I’m choosing not to start it. I might feel differently in the future. I’m on the waiting list for CBT which is supposed to be amazing for health anxiety so I’m going to see how that goes first too. Have you tried CBT? The book I mentioned has CBT techniques in it also. X

Im really sorry your going through that with your lymph nodes, sometimes in my armpits I get little swollen lumps they get really painful but go within a couple of days but it’s very true what you say you tend to make them worse with the constant poking. I completely know how you feel every ache every pain anything really sets me off. I find myself squeezing my nipples to see if I have discharge coming out (I know I sound completely crazy and I don’t have discharge coming out) I understand that probably don’t help with the occasional twinges I feel. I’m on the dreaded depo injection (tried other contraception but they don’t work for me) I’ve been bleeding for almost 8 weeks now and I know that can also play apart in the hormonal things you can experience. This has definitely made my anxiety worse I’ve only had 2 injections but I’ve never felt so anxious before. My last really bad episode I had really bad panic attacks because of the whole worrying with the bruise. I’m not taking another injection. I really understand why you wouldn’t want to take the medication because I would be exactly the same and even though deep down you know if it was to happen the likely reason is because of side effects your brain wouldn’t rest. It’s truly torture and so tiring. Do you give yourself tension? I get it quite bad when I start to worry I get the headaches and the pains in my shoulders neck an shoulder blades (I’m getting this now but I’m still convinced the cancer is spreading to other parts of my body) maybe I could ask the doctor about cbt. I know this sounds weird because I’m talking on here about my problems but face to face or actually talking to someone professional really scares me I feel like I can’t speak properly about what I’m dealing with. I’m gonna have a look on Amazon now for the book I really hope it helps even if it’s for the time being whilst I get the courage to actually admit to a doctor that I need help xx

Ahh I can see why you’re worrying because I’m the exact same, and honestly a lot of it is phycological, and were causing our own pain and tenderness by the constant checking, feeling and poking. :( I can imagine the hormones from a new contraception could likely be why you’re a lot more anxious. I’ve been on the pill for nearly a year and my anxiety only got very severe a few months ago (although I’ve always had it) I haven’t googled my symptoms for a few days now which feels really good, although I do have a lot of screenshots on my phone of people on here saying they also have the lymph nodes and they’re harmless, I tend to look at those when I feel worried to tell myself it’s okay. I also write notes about the thing I’m worrying about and then a rational reason for the symptom and why I shouldn’t worry. If that makes sense? Looking at the notes sometimes helps. I’m one of those people that gets really scared about going to the dr with symptoms incase they refer me or tell me it could be serious, even though that sounds silly because surely I’d rather know? But I bit the bullet and went for the lymph node and the dr wasn’t concerned at all, that should’ve been enough for me but somehow it isn’t, and on the other hand if she did refer me I’d be an absolute mess waiting for scans ect. So I can’t win. x

Also, I think (hoping) the CBT will be on the phone or via zoom. I don’t fancy travelling and seeing someone face to face to be honest. I’d rather do it over the phone whilst I’m at home. I think you can just google your local organisation and refer yourself, I didn’t need to go through my GP to be referred for it. x

I suffer from HA too a d really feel for you, I recently found a YouTube blog John & things where he discusses his own experiences of HA and some really great advice for reducing your anxiety and triggers! Similar to my own golden rules- never Google, never 'self examine' in the evening/at night, speak to your GP. Take care, much love x

Obviously I’d never wish this on my worse enemy but it’s so nice to know that I’m talking to someone who actually understands me and it makes me feel less alone. My partner and mum is such a great support even though I drive them totally crazy with asking them the same questions and constantly asking for reassurance but they don’t fully understand the meaning or how it makes you feel of having this horrible torture torturing you. As I’ve read your reply it’s like I can finally talk to someone who’s really getting how I feel and I really appreciate it. I’ve actually done that a few times where I’ve screenshot what someone has said an it does help abit doesn’t it? Obviously it doesn’t make you feel 100% better but it reassures you for a little while. I’m exactly the same with the doctor for the exact same reasons as you. From an outsider who has no mental health problems they probably think people like us are just being awkward or stupid. Your worried about something but won’t go to the dr or if you do go they send you for test to try reassure you but it makes it worse because of the waiting. Sometimes I just feel like it’s a never ending battle with me an it’s almost like I want to feel the way I do because I don’t seek help but it’s not the case. It’s just a viscous cycle of fear and dread. Oh I never knew that you could just refer yourself for cbt I always thought it was through a doctor and they done it for you. Thank you for that I’m gonna look into it and it’s even better to know that I might not have to see the person face to face. X

Hello pipsy thank you for responding to my post. I’m really sorry your also going through this horrible problem. Thank you for recommending the YouTube blog I will have to have a look at that when my kids are in bed. Thank you also for the tips google is definitely not your friend. Take care also xx

Ah me too. It’s so nice to speak to someone who gets it! I know what you mean, my partner tries but he just doesn’t understand. It’s nice to speak to someone who feels the same because you realise you’re not on your own with it. I’ve never posted on this forum before until last week because I just had to reach out to others who are feeling the same way. I’m glad you understand my fear of the doctors. Some people that suffer with HA are always asking for all the possible tests and checks from the GP and that’s just not me at all. I’m still on the waiting list for CBT I have no idea how long I’ll be waiting, but I’ve heard that CBT works very well for HA more so than some of the other mental health issues. X

That’s exactly it. It’s nice to have the support from people who understands truly. That’s the same as me this is the only post I’ve ever made mainly because at that point of writing the post I was just in a very low state of mind an just wanted some support from others who gets it. Yes I’ve read on a few of these forums that a lot of people do constantly go to doctors for test an scans and all sorts but just the same as you it’s just not me. I don’t judge anyone for doing that because sometimes I wish to have the courage to do it because maybe I’d feel less anxious when they tell me there isn’t a problem but as it stands now I believe it will make me worse so I choose not to. Well I’m definitely going to look into it I never realised that it was so good for HA. I’d do just about anything to try control my way of thinking at the moment x

Oh Im the same. I’ll literally do anything, I saw someone recommend that book and I ordered it through prime same day delivery and started reading it that night. I was just desperate to help myself and still am. I’ve often thought it was strange that I didn’t want to go for all the tests ect because the reassurance would be soo good at the end of it. But it’s the fear leading up to it isn’t it. :( We’re young, in our twenties technically were at our healthiest. I don’t get why we can’t see that :( x

I’m sure I’ve ordered the right one mine is coming tomorrow so I’m really hoping it helps, I know exactly how you feel about being desperate for help even if it doesn’t sound like it. It is 100% I don’t understand myself sometimes I’ve said exactly the same thing to myself so many times sometimes what I worry about is just ridiculous x

Well I really hope it helps you, even just trying something is such a good step in the right direction. I’m half way through and so far it seems helpful. I’m not sure if you can private message on here or something but do let me know how you get on and if you need to speak to someone you can send a message. It’s so helpful to speak to someone going through the same thing! Xx

Thank you it definitely feels good to know that I’m trying something even if it is just a book for now, I would never really thought about it if you never told me so thank you again I will do, thank you so much for being so kind and just taking your time to talk to me because it has helped me today. Just know I’m always here too if you have a bad day and want to talk. I might not be as much help as I’d like to be but it does help speaking to someone who knows exactly how HA works xx

Just to say you can self refer for nhs cbt without having to see your go, Google your local IAPT service and go from there.

I have more generalised anxiety and just finished 3 months of cbt through this route and while I’m still a bit of a worrier, I am so much better and more able to function.

see your GP sorry

Hello thank you for your responding to my post. I’m glad cbt has made your life abit more easier with controlling your worries. Thank you, I’m gonna look it up

@Verbena87 yes you’re right :) glad to hear the CBT has helped you. I’m excited to start, whenever it may be. x

@Troubledgirl I have sent you a PM I think lol. Not sure if I’ve done it right. But it’s just somewhere you can message if needed :) x

Thank you @ACCx I’m gonna check it now x

I also have HA, it’s a horrible mental torture, I have some ptsd left as well from a battle with sepsis, it’s hard I like to verbalise my worries, like say “I have a pain in my rib” or whatever it is that day, it makes me feel safer that I’ve told someone the trouble is absolutely no one understands and I get called a hypochondriac or your always ill when I just mention something small, I now go out my way to really make an effort to never say it out loud even though it’s fine for everyone else in my family to mention their headache or whatever and get sympathy from me. I now just chant out loud when alone “your fine and your safe” and it seems to help

Hi, slightly different view that will hopefully make you feel much better. I had grade 3 breast cancer last year with a 5cm tumour. Its a common belief that if you find a lump and dont get it treated within a couple of weeks its " too late" my oncologist said most breast issues are there for 2-3 years before they are big enough to feel, so another week or two really makes no difference. My lump was massive( clearly able to be felt through a tshirt) if a lump does come up you will feel it, poking and prodding will make you sore and in fact cancer diagnosis is done with gentle strokes and presses from your palm, not fingers as you will just feel the normal lumpy breast tissue. Finally the lumps that worry doctors are painless( mine was totally painless) deep in the tissue, immovable and lumpy not smooth. The fact that yours is sore is a really good sign. As always, you need to get any new changes checked out, but its all about perspective. Even if it was cancer they are very easily and successfully treated now, and you are losing so much by living in fear. Please see your GP and tell them everything. Theres a better life for you than this :) good luck.