Postnatal Depression

[Bonnie90x]

Hi all, just wondering if anyone would be willing to share their experience of postnatal depression with me? I'm pretty much in the thick of it and it's all a bit frightening.

How long does it typically last? What helped you and your recovery? How did it present itself?

Any first hand accounts would be really helpful.

Hello love. Sorry you're finding it tough- frightening is a really good word actually, it can feel so frightening and like you're losing your mind.
I had awful PND. I had an emcs and baby was in neonatal for over a week. I remember when I finally went to see him the day after he was born, I felt literally terrified of him. Zero bond, and just this huge suffocating terror.
When we got home I was obsessed with the bonding thing, I really couldn't believe that I hadn't had him and fallen instantly in love (it's pretty common but at the time I just thought I was the worst person in the world).
Things got worse and I had a lot of awful intrusive thoughts about me harming the baby or me not caring if he died, so I'd make myself imagine awful deaths for him just to 'test' myself to see if I 'loved him enough'.
I also felt so disconnected from reality- like I really struggled to accept he was real and was mine, I'd obsessively go over his birth in my head because I couldn't quite believe it.
I ended up in proper crisis in AandE, truly believing that I could hurt him and that I'd gone mad.
It was such a dark time, and I really felt unsavable to be honest. I couldn't see how things would work out well, or imagine a time when I would love my son and be happy again.
BUT. I got loads of help, thank god. I got on the meds, which took a few weeks to kick in (and made me feel worse for a bit, not ideal) but when they did kick in, I felt more able to cope and more able to engage with therapy etc.
I had a referral to the perinatal MH team who were amazing, and I really felt cared for. I had lots of compassion focused therapy and help with bonding with my son.
I wouldn't say it was an instant thing, but definitely by the time he was 8 months old I was starting to feel attached to him and starting to enjoy parts of life again. He's now 2 and I love him SO much, I have my life back (a different but good version) and I really do feel healed from the experience.
Sending you so much love. It's not something I ever expected to happen, and I certainly didn't expect to feel no love/ so flipping crazy. It's hard to convey to people who haven't experienced PND just how devastating it can feel.
Do you have proper help? Push for a perinatal referral, and do all you can to prioritize your mental health. I promise, you will recover. It's a slow game, but worth it x

You can and will get through it I promise and you will be so happy again with your DC. It's so so awful, I wouldn't wish it on anyone in the world.

I came close to post partum psychosis after a bad birth and 8 day stay in hospital with no sleep. Felt totally distant from my much wanted baby and like I wasn't needed and he'd be better without me being around. No attachment at all, dark thoughts. Felt like it would never get better either. I had good support from the midwives and local psych team and was treated at home apart from one trip to A&E. Try to eat regularly even if you don't feel hungry, try to rest even if you can't sleep, and try to think and talk about other things (eg watch silly tv). Take some happy photos of you with the baby even if it feels a bit staged and fake - you'll be glad of them later. I took anti anxiety meds and had some help with sleeping and I was pretty much back to myself after 6 weeks. I had a lot of help from my DH and in laws, although in some ways that made me feel more redundant and distant but it did let me physically recover.

I am now super close to my DC and had 2 more DC with no reoccurrence of PND. You really can and will beat this and in some ways you will be stronger for having gone through it, even though it is bloody awful. Really sorry this is happening to you.

Thank you both so so much for your replies, it sounds like you had a horrific time of it.

So much of what you experienced resonates with me, it's almost as if I could have wrote it myself. I was in A&E last week due to an overdose as the thoughts became too dark and I couldn't take it anymore. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I'm under the care of the Crisis team and I've seen them everyday since I was discharged, they have been fab. However now I find myself feeling lower than ever and that this will never go away. I'm embarrassed and ashamed by the overdose too. I've got a lot of support and a wonderful DP thankfully. Also have a 3 year old who I'm convinced is picking up on my low mood as she's really clingy ATM which is driving me insane. I feel as though I've got nothing in me to give my kids, I can't feel the connection anymore. Just awful. I'm having my medication increased tomorrow so hoping in a few weeks it will improve.

Thanks so much again for your replies.

Oh you poor poor thing. What a really tough time, esp with a 3 year old combined with a baby.

I'm sorry to hear about the overdose and very glad that you were treated and recovered physically. Try not to feel embarrassed and dwell on what happened if that's possible. You are really unwell, probably mostly from the birth hormones, and it is not your fault - you wouldn't have done this if you were well. It's the PND that did it, not 'normal' you. You will be normal you again and catch up for the time missed. Your 3 year old won't remember anything and the baby certainly won't notice. Use the TV babysitter if you need a break. I'm glad they are adjusting the meds and I hope they improve your mood soon. The crisis psychiatrist who saw me said that even in the worst cases (hospitalised) the meds can make a patient feel better really soon. My midwife also told me she had taken an overdose after having her daughter and 19 years later her daughter was the light of her life.

I imagine it feels really really bleak now but the cloud/fog will clear and you will have increasing glimpses of the normal you popping out until the cloud goes completely.

Oh and someone showed me this when J was ill and it helped me - goop.com/wellness/parenthood/bryce-dallas-howard-on-the-emptiness-of-postpartum-depression/

Hope it helps you too xx

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

If it's in any way helpful, I struggled to bond, felt overwhelmed and tearful all the time. Felt like nothing I did could ever be good enough. Struggled to do anything beyond childcare, couldn't do housework, felt like I didn't exist beyond childcare. It was definitely exacerbated by a lack of sleep and a very unsupportive husband who laughed it off pretty much.

I really hope your medication works swiftly for you. You are absolutely doing the best you can and I'm cheering you on through this incredibly hard time in your life. It will lift.

Also, please don't be embarrassed or ashamed, you truly have no reason to be, this is an illness beyond your control. And you're still standing, which means you are one tough woman.

You poor thing. Please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. And please believe you will feel better! This is an illness and a really nasty one at that.

I'm here with my 4 week old in the horrors of anxiety. My elder child is 2 and I had horrendous PND with her. I couldn't bear to hold her or look at her for a while and I was so anxious that I thought I might die for the pain it was causing. I started sertraline and the few weeks waiting for it to kick in were beyond awful. BUT the moment it kicked on was like flicking a switch and I started to get better and look after my girl again. Once she got a bit older and interacted with me more our bond developed and I started to feel love for her.

I really thought I'd be OK this time round so am so disappointed. I took my first sertraline this morning so am just focusing on trying to get through each day until it kicks in.

It feels impossible to be honest but I know that if I can just get through each day I'll come out the other side. And you will too.

Thank you all so much, it is absolutely horrendous at the moment. The crisis team have been out again and they were fab but have directed that I am not to be alone with my children at any point , I'm heartbroken but I am complying given how unwell they say I am. I feel absolutely dead inside. I just need to ride it out and wait for the sertraline to kick in I suppose.

@SkwifandSkwiggles

You poor thing. Please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. And please believe you will feel better! This is an illness and a really nasty one at that.

I'm here with my 4 week old in the horrors of anxiety. My elder child is 2 and I had horrendous PND with her. I couldn't bear to hold her or look at her for a while and I was so anxious that I thought I might die for the pain it was causing. I started sertraline and the few weeks waiting for it to kick in were beyond awful. BUT the moment it kicked on was like flicking a switch and I started to get better and look after my girl again. Once she got a bit older and interacted with me more our bond developed and I started to feel love for her.

I really thought I'd be OK this time round so am so disappointed. I took my first sertraline this morning so am just focusing on trying to get through each day until it kicks in.

It feels impossible to be honest but I know that if I can just get through each day I'll come out the other side. And you will too.

Really sorry to hear this. I've been on sertraline a few times and it will clear the anxiety soon. Such a kicker that it makes you feel worse at first before it starts helping properly.

In the meanwhile please try to go for walks, listen to some bird song, get lots of help from family & friends, eat lots of cake, watch Netflix and grit your teeth to get through the next few weeks and know you will feel back to yourself very soon. Wish you weren't going through this again.

@Bonnie90x

Thank you all so much, it is absolutely horrendous at the moment. The crisis team have been out again and they were fab but have directed that I am not to be alone with my children at any point , I'm heartbroken but I am complying given how unwell they say I am. I feel absolutely dead inside. I just need to ride it out and wait for the sertraline to kick in I suppose.

Oh that's so tough. Maybe they recognise that it would stress you out to be in some charge of them? I certainly worried about being left alone with my eldest, even though I wouldn't have harmed him.

Sounds like you're getting good care and at least you can be at home rather than hospitalised. You will get through this, one day at a time. Then the sunshine will break through the clouds again.

Hey just checking in to see how the days been. And to say- you got through another day! Yeah!

Hi all, sorry to have been absent, I'm pretty heavily medicated at all times so mostly in and out of sleep. Crisis team still visiting every day, they're quite good to talk to and I feel like there's a plan in place to get well again but it'll take some time
I just wish I could disappear in all honesty

Thank you so much for the kind words, we've come down to my mums for a week to take the pressure off until I'm a bit better.

Hi Bonnie! You're doing incredibly well! Just keep getting through each day and you will come out the other side. I know it feels like hell at the moment but you are so strong and you can do it. That disappearing feeling is your illness and it can be beaten.

It's great you are getting help. Try not to think too far ahead xxx

Thanks everyone. I've ended up in the psychiatric ward for a few days until I'm stable, my mood plummeted terribly and it was decided I would go in and be safe. It's not too bad but I'm missing my babies like mad!

Oh I'm so sorry. I really hope the docs can work out the right meds for you and get you feeling more normal soon. You'll catch up and have millions of cuddles with the kids when you get home x

Hope you're doing ok OP. Wishing you all the strength to get through this. And you will ❤️

How are you doing OP, I’m suffering terrible

Hi everyone, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for your kindness.

Well, I'm out of hospital now. My Mum has been staying with me for the past few weeks and my dp has been doing the night feeds - I feel lucky to have so much support and am on a variety of meds but I'm still finding things generally hard. I have daily visits from the crisis team who can only tell me to be patient and wait until the meds kick in fully.

@Newmama93im so sorry to hear you're struggling. PND is pure hell. Have you contacted your GP?

I will also plead with you not to leave it too long without opening up to someone. I wish I'd addressed myself sooner instead of doing what I did. Xxx

That’s good to hear - I think you’ll feel better soon.

Yes I have but there’s a wait for my psychologist and we are in lock down with COVID which is making it so much worse. Even second is like hell with this, it’s so hard worst thing I’ve gone through

@Newmama93 I absolutely hear you!!! It's been/is the worst experience of my life. I'm in NI and I have to say the mental health team have been nothing short of amazing. I hope you get the help you need soon. Sending you love and strength, it's bloody unbearable at times isn't it. Xx

Hi everyone,
I have bipolar disorder which I manage really well normally. I’ve been well for 4 years & also throughout pregnancy, but I have a 6 mo and it’s kicked in hard over the past 2 weeks. I presented to A&E as I couldn’t cope. My perinatal psych has increased my meds (mood stabiliser and AD), and added something to help me sleep. I just need to know that I’m not alone and that this shall pass. I’ve moved into my mum’s so I have help xxx

You're not alone, and this is the hardest part. I never thought I'd enjoy life again when I had my baby. I felt like I was in a parallel universe and nothing made sense, I had no bond with my baby or anything to be honest. At my worst I made plans to end my life.
I got help, things moved slowly, and I found that whole year the hardest of my life. Every day was simply a struggle.
But I got better, I started working again, my baby started talking and being a 'real' person, and now life is really rather lovely. I've grown into being a mum, and my child has grown into being mine.
Take all the help, be carried by the people who love you, and one day you'll look back and be so amazed at what you've achieved x