14yo self harming, refusing to talk

[ruralidyllwithcoffee]

My DD has been cutting her arms and legs with a razor for months now and is waiting for a CAMHS appointment which is still months away. She point blank refuses to talk about it, although she's really open, happy, confident, extroverted on the face of it in other ways, and I'm mostly completely in the dark about how she's doing. I would ask her how she was feeling, earlier in the year, but have more or less stopped as it was like an absolute brick wall –no engagement whatsoever. I've got three main questions:

• I saw her arms for the first time in ages recently as the weather was hot and was actually quite relieved that there were no fresh cuts that I could see. I would really like to say how proud of her I am that she hasn't cut herself (well, not there, anyway, I suppose she might have elsewhere) and that she's felt good enough to show her arms, or just acknowledge in some way that I've noticed and I see her. But I'm worried this might not be the right thing to do or even cause a relapse?
• we are supposed to be meeting my DPs soon and again, it's likely to be hot –this time, though, I'm really worried about her exposing her arms for them to see. Her scars aren't massive but definitely visible and they'd honestly be devastated and wouldn't understand why she is doing it at all. I really don't want to make her feel ashamed, but how can I get her to keep her arms covered in what could be 26 degree heat?!
• finally, how on earth can I get her to open up a bit more? Maybe I just can't, but I'm terrified that she could be in crisis and not tell me or anyone.

Any advice at all would be really helpful. Thank you.

Sadly I don’t think there’s really anything you can say about the scars, either acknowledging that they look better than before or asking her to cover up. Hopefully for your parents she might think to cover them up herself. Depending on your parents it might be worth having a chat to them about it in advance. If you think it would avoid them asking about it if they noticed.

Re opening up, we had similar with one of my siblings when they were 14 if I’m honest the only way we could really keep track of their mental state was by monitoring their private messages on social media. It’s by no means ideal and I don’t think they knew that we had access, which again is a bit shit (it was also much less common for parents to monitor phones/internet use back then). But it told us when we really needed to get them out of their room and out doing something or watch a film as a family. It also helped us to understand more about how toxic (or not) some of their friendships were.

Is there any chance you can afford CBT privately? We never found the GP to be much use, they just said it was normal for their age group. CAHMS was frustrating because after the long wait the young person obviously can’t be forced to engage with the process.

Please don't ask her to cover up. My mum asked me to do just that when I was a teenager and I just felt that she was ashamed of me. I would talk to her, ask her how she is doing, ask her how she feels about seeing her grandparents - does she want you to tell them? Is she happy to answer questions they might have herself? Acknowledge that there are no fresh cuts on her arms and ask her if she has stopped or is cutting somewhere else.

I think seeing her grandparents is a good in - you can tell her you know she doesn't want to tall about it, but you want to support her and that you know she may be worried about seeing them because of her scars. Even if she doesn't want to answer or engage, at least the message she's getting is that you want to support her.

Thank you both. Re my parents –I couldn't talk to them beforehand, even with DD's OK – they'd be absolutely aghast, honestly. They're both nearly 80 and I think DM in particular would never be the same again if she found out –I know that sounds over-dramatic but I think it's true. I also think if DD's arms were out and visible they'd be so "innocent" about it that they probably would just ask "Goodness, what on earth happened to your arm?" in front of everyone, with no idea of the reality. That's why I was inclined to ask DD to cover up –I absolutely wouldn't shame her about it but just frame it as the older generation having no clue about these things (I know, sorry, that sounds offensive, but you know what I mean).

I will think about CBT –it would be very tight financially but I've also heard not great things about CAMHS – or rather, you can have a great experience or a shit experience and not much in between.

PinkPlant I'd have no idea how to monitor her messages! Is this a common thing?

If you're at all able to afford private therapy then I'd maybe ask her if she knows of any therapists that maybe her friends have seen, or somehow invite her to be involved in finding someone. She might not want to but it might help her feel a bit in control if she has some choice. Find someone who is trained in working with adolescents, it's quite a specialist area, and an experienced adolescent therapist will make all the difference. Cbt might feel a bit like school.

If her grandparents do ask innocent questions she might just answer with something equally innocent, like she got cut by some thorns or something - she might realise they might ask and be ready with something! I think the most you can do is very gently say that she might want to think of something to tell them in case they ask, just so she's not caught off guard.

You sound like you're doing everything you can it must be so hard.

Is she arty or creative at all? Maybe art therapy might be useful, it can give uncommunicative teens something else to focus on other than feeling pressure to put everything into words x

With my sibling we were just good at guessing their passwords. Or checking in on a laptop where they were already logged into everything.

I don’t have teenage DC so don’t know how people do it today, I thought a lot of parents let their kids have social media on the provisos of them knowing the passwords. Hard to go back and implement though if you’ve never had that policy before.

As much as it sounds like an invasion of privacy it really did help us understand what was going on. They had friends who also self harmed and would almost egg each other on or discuss ways of getting round having sharp objects removed. They have friends that they would really open up about how depressed they were, and they had other friends who would just say ‘if you feel like this I think you need to talk to someone/your parents/don’t be alone right now’.

It might be that your DD is very private about it with her friends but I’d be surprised.

I would think she's just cutting somewhere else on her body e.g upper thighs. I wouldn't wait for camhs but would go private. I know you say you can't tell grandparents but I think you have to- let them get over it and see if they can help pay towards therapy.

I would also ensure she has access to one clean blade.

Thank you all, this is helpful and I will look into going private. I'm so worried that this is just the start of an endless cycle that will carry on into her 20s and 30s.

Yes, she is quite arty and creative, so maybe art therapist a good idea.

I posted on Scotsnet to ask if anyone had any recommendations for a therapist used to working with teenagers and self-harm issues, but it's crossed my mind that as most counselling will be online these days, he or she could be based anywhere.

Does anyone here have any recommendations for anyone I could check out, please?

I’m so sorry OP. I have the same age DD with the same problems. We were fast tracked with CAMHS because of suicidal intent and she was seen really quickly. Also this was between lockdowns and and I think the situation with wait lists have gotten worse since. 😢 Anyway, I have to agree with PP who said check social media accounts. I do and then I feel I can steer the conversation a bit more and she opens up. She doesn’t know I check but she knows I know all her passwords and leaves her phone in my room at night. I know it’s a deception but this is about their safety and that to me trumps their need for privacy. That’s how I know she has these horribly toxic friends. I also have time limits on social media. She hates me for it but it gives her space to breath. I do know what you mean about your DPs though. My parents are abroad so we haven’t seen them in 18 months. They too would be devastated and would not understand. But at the moment, my DD’s mental health and need to feel secure and loved is paramount so I would leave it up to her to cover up or not. At the moment, if anyone asks, she says the cat scratched her. Also, start to seek help for yourself. I left it and almost had a breakdown myself and I’ve never had MH problems. The GP was great and referred me to counseling as well. You need to look after yourself to look after your DD. Good luck with CAMHS or the private counselor.

Sorry to hear that hapagirl. We were fast tracked to CAMHS too for the same reason, but then downgraded to the general waiting list which, while a relief that she wasn't regarded as an emergency, has just put her into limbo and to my mind, is allowing the behaviours to become even more ingrained in the meantime.

I met someone with scars on their arms at Uni. I knew what they were but someone innocently asked what happened and she said oh that was something I used to do when I wasnt very happy but I dont do that anymore which I thought was a good response.