Anyone else's parent have mental health problems?

[jessica1357]

I'd be interested to hear from anyone that has a mum or dad with bad mental health problems, just to listen to how you cope.

My mum is elderly, she's had some form of mental health as long as I can remember and I've supported her, helped her with practical things, and put up with her regular outbursts all my life. She lives independently and a while ago started going to a day centre that I initiated with the help of social services which has been positive to keep her occupied.
She's never been diagnosed, she refuses to admit her problems but on occasions has admitted she finds life difficult and has felt everyone is always against her. Without describing all her traits as the post would be too long. I'm sure she's possibly schizophrenic plus likely has Aspergers too.
I'm not looking for advice on how to help her as at the moment she's managing and her personality is just how it's been for almost 30 years. I've given up on encouraging her to seek advice/ counselling or medication as she just won't.

The reason I'm posting here is I cope with the sadness of her being my mum and being unable to be a supportive mum / grandmother like other people have by helping her when she needs help but other times distancing myself and switching off.. getting on with my own life.
Unfortunately my kids aren't so keen to spend much time with her and knowing how it affected me as a child, I don't force them to visit her as I know they find visits upsetting and I don't want them to be affected the way it affected me.

For example I took her out to lunch and her "mental health" personality puts me on edge the whole time, in public or at home I'm always awaiting her to start going crazy about something. Her hygiene is terrible. It always has been sadly. My car seat and sofa now stink of urine (she wears incontinence pads.
I've had counselling in the past and it's helped me tremendously. I accept it's not her fault she's the way she is, she can't help it, I do sometimes feel envious though and wish she was different.

I've found that helping when needed but not seeing her all the time is the best coping strategy for me so I don't get depressed.

How do you cope?

I have this with my mum and my sister is headed in the same direction. I have distanced myself a lot. I can't help her. I go to see her and as soon as she starts talking about her million ailments I change the subject. I take her for lunch and to shops she likes, but she lives quite a way away from me as she moved when I was 17. She has a husband who does a pretty good job of holding things together, even though he's very poorly himself.
I love her dearly, but she supports my sister and I don't have the energy to support either of them without getting dragged down myself. I constantly remind myself it's her illness that makes her how she is. It was hard growing up as she was repeatedly sectioned and my dad tried for custody but didn't get it. I didn't know that until recently.
I'm lucky, I have a supportive dad and step mum, who is like a mum to me as my own can't be.

Yes. But never any diagnosis and I can’t put my finger on what it is with my mother.

As kids we were at her mercy. We were frightened of her (& my father)
As adults I have in the past been no contact because it’s easier.
She is & always had been angry. Furious about..well nothing really.
Very aggressive, violent and will snap at nothing.
A simple conversation about the weather can escalate into a massive argument one sided as I will be bewildered about what it is that has made her flair up.
Now as a 70 year old woman, as with her whole life, she will find someone to argue with, have a falling out with and her whole conversation evolves around these encounters to the expense of never ever asking about me or her grandchildren.
She has no interest in them at all.
Egg shells.

So limited and minimal contact now.
It’s just too difficult to have any kind of relationship with her.

I do and I keep her at arms length to be honest I can't deal with her any longer.

Yeah,

My dad has various MH issues. I am the youngest child he has and the responsibility of looking after him always got shoved on to me. I have slowly distanced myself over the last 10 years and it kills me sometimes to think about how sad our relationship is now, but my own MH really suffers when we are in close contact.

He thinks he can say and do anything when he is having an episode and we all have to act like it never happened. I can't do it anymore.

I'm relieved to have found that others cope the same way I do. Of course sad that you go through it all also.
It's definitely true that when we spend a lot of time around them it certainly affects our mental health.
Are you open with friends etc about your parent? For years I kept everything as a secret and it caused huge anxiety for me, always afraid someone would meet my mum and judge me due to her personality. Ive now told several friends though I'll be honest I don't mix her with my friends it's just so stressful. I'm a happy person around my friends and when with my mum I'm on edge

Ps. I'm new here.
I can't work out how to reply to you individually or comment on your reply

You have my sympathy op.

My mother has depression, since the age of around 19. She's very up and down, some days she's delightful, others sullen and downright rude.

When I was younger I was blamed for her relationships failing, which was hard to hear. I also had quite a few trips to A and E when she overdosed as a teenager.

She went through a phase of spending all her money at once, then turning up at my house asking to borrow some. She would arrive smelly, unkempt and call me a variety of names when I told her no, she would also threaten to kill herself a lot.

I was also diagnosed with depression in my early 20s, although I never told her for many years, and when I did she insisted she 'had it worse'.

I then moved to a different area, and to be honest it has really helped me. I feel so much more relaxed knowing she won't turn up and harass me.

I have my own life now, hubby and children and it's done me a world of good as i spent years worrying about her and what she would say/do next.

I do love my mum and see her about once a month, but as a parent I am a bit pissed about the amount of shit she let me deal with. I am a much stronger person now I put myself and my family first.

It's funny you mention the lunch thing, last month I travelled to see her and she started crying because DD (12, autistic) upset her 🙄. We were having lunch and she started crying and wailing, also looking around to see who was paying attention before she stormed off. She craves others to notice her now I don't rise to the bait.

I also don't have siblings which sucks!

Bubble bath, gosh we all have gone through it,
My ex husband did spend time with her but over the years he resented every visit and in honesty I understood.
I'm also have no siblings to help plus my mum has no siblings or other family alive so it's just me. Each time I get called to help I do, I try to fix the problem then cry whilst driving home. It's just the norm now. Thank god the last emergency was over a month now so I'm having a break at the moment lol

Pumpkin pop sickle, don't feel bad.. I do understand that you do but we do have to care for ourselves so we can live a normal life

Imaginethemdragons, it's a shame to not have a diagnosis as I think it offers the opportunity for us all to have empathy.
My thoughts about what my mum has, is purely what I think it might be. Ive strong reasons to think this is what she has and it soothes me to put a label on her issues

Delilahbucket, I'm really pleased for you that you are close to your dad and also your mum has a husband to support her. 🙂

I've never met anyone who has a parent with mental health. This is literally the first time I've had such conversation with others that know what it's like . Thankyou for the conversation so far 🙂

In the hope that she will calm down with age I do visit regularly as failing physical health means that she needs more support.
She is slightly calmer but ONLY because she has zero people around her. No one. My siblings have moved far away so do not see her, extended family no longer have any contact with her due to her ways, she has never had any friends so there’s just me and the post man who she sees most days!
Regardless, she has ongoing screaming matches with at least 3 neighbours, the pigeons and seagulls on her roof and the lady over the back has a dog which she literally screams at several times a day to “fucking shut up you fucking cretin “
Unhinged.

I still haven't worked out how to reply to each of your posts or if there's an option to send private messages which might be nice on here? But .......

imaginethemdragons, your mum sounds just like mine. No friends, no family , lots of angry shouting, if only we knew what the diagnosis is we could try to understand why they are that way.
I obviously don't know how any of you that have commented are with your own health but I hope you are well. I'm very fortunate and other than getting low sometimes due to circumstances I am healthy and capable and have good relationships with people. It's always a concern how am I normal when sadly she is far from it, It's a unsettling thought with all the unanswered questions but I am grateful to not suffer as she does