falling fast

[NappiesLaChristmasGit]

just want to throw out a little line of comunication before i am completely engulfed again.

you know how people who dont live by the coast sometimes find a lovely peaceful beach and theyre so busy enjoying it and building sandcastles they dont notice the tide coming in till theyre cut off and theres nothing but unclimbable cliffs on one side and deadly unforgiving sea on the other? thats how my depression works.

was fine 4-5 days ago. and now i wish i were dead. wont do anything dramatic, but i do wish i didnt exist. wonder how long it will last this time?

are you on anti depressants?

nope.

why don't you go to the gp?

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sounds scary Is there any kind of medication you usually take that helps? Is it worth going to see your GP?

i could maybe try the gp again. dunno.

have tried to get them to listen to me about this about 4-5 times in the last 2 years. something must get lost in translation coz i go in absoilutely desperate for help and come out with a pat on the back and pep talk. or some forms to fill in, which i do, but dont take back coz its taken all the strength i have to go in the first place and its like being kicked in the teeth to be knocked back.

maybe just maybe, if i go today i might be able to communicate better and make them listen. i can do it on here, why not in person?? think i may be incapable of not pretending im fine in person. im ,y own wordt enemy.

im scared too, that if i say im not coping it'll go down on a form somewhere and someone could use it against me.

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