I'm not sure what to do or what this is and how to make it stop.

[AShadowLurkingInTheShadows]

Trigger warning [ sexual assault ]

I was raped by my now ex husband in May 2018 (I was still married to him at the time). I was asleep on the sofa when he started the attack. I don't remember much due to being asleep just dribs. and drabs. My DS1 asking him "what are you doing to mummy?" and him saying "nothing go and play over there". Me waking up and asking him what he was doing repeatedly before he got off me and cleaned himself up. I sent him a text after telling him what he did wasn't ok and he replied with;

" I thought you wanted to mess around until I realised at the end you weren't just laying there but actually had been asleep lol how the fuck does that happen? weirdo lol"

I put it to the back of my mind, refused to deal with it as I still had to see him. I finally went to the police the following month but after months of them doing nothing and him telling me continuously that "the kids need a father", "if this comes out people will know it's you and you don't want that", "think of the kids, nobody wants to know their dads in prison for something like this" that coupled with my now ex boyfriend at the time saying he couldn't give the police a witness statement (he was the first one I told) etc I dropped the case. I wanted to go back to normal, forget about it all.

He wore me down and I ended up getting back together with him and he then started to threaten to kill me, kill my ex boyfriend, behead my cat etc he would then ask me "you're not only with me because you think i'm going to kill you are you?" I put up with it till February 2020 Always wondering if I'd tip him over the edge one day when I kicked him out and divorced him, I was 16 weeks pregnant at the time and listed his behaviour as the reasons.

I had been on antidepressants on and off throughout this whole period. He tried to get in contact last May which triggered some depression / anxiety / constant flash backs/reliving the event, nightmares etc I spoke to my GP who wanted to avoid medicine.

I thought I was over it, I mean it's been 3 years this month but the nightmares started again with him being in them, the flashbacks are hitting me hard, taking me right back to the event, the position he was in, what was said, my heart races and it's like a constant ringing monologue of what happened in my head. I can't not think about it and when I do it seemingly comes from nowhere. It hit so bad this morning that even after trying to drown it out with music, working out etc it was like it was getting louder and it was crushing me.

I spent most of my time doubting myself, wondering if I gave him the wrong impression, wanted it, got it wrong, made it up (I know logically I didn't) etc and I feel like i'm going insane, it's been 3 years I should be over it and I can't do this/feel like this especially every time May comes around (its worse in may) .

I'm not sure what to do or what this is and how to make it stop.

Anyone? 😢

you need to get some counselling, it should help a lot x I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

This is a horrendous thing to go to through so you shouldn't expect to be over it. Please seek counselling to help you - you've been through a trauma. My heart goes out to you. Please don't be hard on yourself

So sorry you've been through something so horrific and that it's still affecting you so badly. Do you think you have some PTSD? Have you looked into counselling / therapy?

It sounds like PTSD, and that's hardly surprising considering what you've been through. that's not something you can just get over by yourself. Counseling probably won't cut it, you'll probably need something more in depth such as EMDR or CBT. Medication might help you too. I didn't want to go on medication but it helped to stabilise me. It'll buy you some time. You could try Mind the mental health charity, i believe they have a helpline. Rape Crisis as well. Your GP should be the first port of call but i understand you might be reluctant to trust them when they've let you down in the past.

I've had counseling, CBT and EMDR for trauma and the EMDR was what really started to help me process it. Don't minimise what you're going through when you speak to the GP etc about it. They need to know how bad it is to be able to help you.

Thank you.

I did try counselling but it was all a bit much. It was a place that only dealt with sexual assault and everyone knows that's what's it is. It was embarrassing and I struggle to talk so a lot of it was sat in silence or me saying I don't know when she asked how I felt I did one or two but couldn't do any more

I have looked into PTSD but tbh I thought that's what soldiers and people got and not caused by this. The gp just said I had anxiety and depression but that was a few months after it happened

Perhaps this is the first time you have ' space' to properly give it the attention it needs?
I don't think trauma goes away on its own - it just sits under the surface until you deal with it. So far, it sounds like there has been a great deal of external ' noise' in your life- with your ex etc. I wonder if this is the first time you have been able to pay attention to the trauma that horrible event inflicted
Best of luck to you

I’m so sorry to hear what you have gone through. You have a lot to work through. The success of counselling in my experience depends a great deal on the chemistry between you and the counsellor. It sounds like the last one was not at all right for you - please try someone else, and if they’re not right try someone else. You will find someone you feel comfortable with.

@spotcheck

Perhaps this is the first time you have ' space' to properly give it the attention it needs? I don't think trauma goes away on its own - it just sits under the surface until you deal with it. So far, it sounds like there has been a great deal of external ' noise' in your life- with your ex etc. I wonder if this is the first time you have been able to pay attention to the trauma that horrible event inflicted Best of luck to you

Something has always been going on I guess the following years we were obviously "together" last year I kicked him out in February and again in may he sent his girlfriend round to leave random things outside my house, message me etc I did contact the police but they were shit 😔 he told them he told her where we lived and what car I drove years ago and didn't tell her to go round. I got the car when I separated from him and he didn't know her then. She told the police she use to live in the street and I asked her to. She's never lived in the street and I've never met her. The police told me they weren't harassing me or committing an offence and took no action.

Nothing has happened this year things were going find till once again this all started but even when I try and keep busy it's like it's shouting louder