Hi,
There’s a lot I need to get off my chest and get everything out so I can have some more understanding of why I feel the way I do.
Where to start!
I have no friends, not 1. I used to have loads but when I met my partner it all become about him and I didn’t put the effort in to keep any connections. I would work 50 hrs a week and then couldn’t be bothered to do anything on weekends. Non of them put the effort in either. I met my partner when I was just 13, I’m now 26. In a few months I will have been with him longer than we have been apart. I love him but I’m not in love with him anymore. I have also questioned for years now why he was never asked me to marry him which also gets me down. ( I would never be the one to ask) we have a mortgage and a 16month old daughter. My mother is a raging drug addict so I have nothing to do with her. All of the rest of the family have never tried to make any sort of relationship with me or my sister because of the way my mother is. My sister, even tho she’s the only family member I have I just can’t trust her. Anything I tell her she goes running to those family members who don’t give a shit about us to give them the gossip.
My current job is just a mess. When I started there was 16 of us now there is 4. My manager is a bully and the most intimating person you have ever met. So we are expected to so the same work load that all 16 used to do. It’s very well paid which allows me to work part time and be on a decent wage earning more than I would if I was full time at say a standard 10/11£ paying company. My partner has never been selfish with money but hey surprise it took me to pop a kid of for the selfishness to start! I’m paying half of all the bills still, all of the nursery fees £500 per month plus all of my personal bills. Last month I couldn’t even afford a pack of tampons. The agreement was once I went back to work he would pay half of the child care meaning I’d have an extra £250 in my pocket per month with would tie all of my personal needs over. Maybe buy my daughter some new clothes. Every month he says I’ll sort it ! And never does! Then when I complain about not having money his response is well go back to work full time !!! If I went back to work full time my childcare bill will go upto £800-£900 per month. This would make me even worse off than I am now. I don’t have family or friends that can held with childcare and we aren’t eligible for help. He has a good job which leaves him with £800 disposable income each month which I don’t see a penny of. I cry myself to sleep every night because I’m unhappy in all aspects of my life and don’t know how to make it better. I have no support around me. I don’t have enough money to put some aside each month to even just get out and do things.
Please be kind, I don’t want to feel even more shit about myself right now xxxx