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Original poster

DS self-harming - what to do?

10 replies

HandsInHair · 22/05/2021 10:03

I have name changed for this (username is from a dutch expression 'handen in het haar' which is a saying indicating I am at a loss as what to do). I am based in a Dutch-speaking country.

Yesterday I decided to check my DS's phone. He is 11 and knows I check his phone regularly.

I found a conversation with a girl, his girlfriend it seems, though I don't think they really talk on the playground. In the conversation they are discussing self harm, suicide and she says her dad doesn't treat her well, also sexually.

This morning whilst he was in the shower I saw he had a knife next to his bed. I took it away and into the bathroom just as he had finished showering and saw he has lots of cuts on his tummy.

I have just hugged him and said we will talk today.

Now I could really use some advice on what to do about his self-harming but also the girl. From the messages she seems really troubled. Do I contact the school, her mother?

Thank you!

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 22/05/2021 10:08

For the self harming, talk to gp and school. For the girl, also talk to school. Don’t contact her mother, because these things are complicated.

If you think he could do with the cuts being looked at at all, minor injuries or out of hours today.

For later, talk about how feeling overwhelmed is normal, but it’s important to find safe ways to cope. Punch a cushion, rip up paper, dissemble park models etc. And tell him yours are always happy to sit with him and talk or not when he feels that way.

And remember to take time for yourself. Tv or a book and cake once he’s in bed?

MinesAPintOfTea · 22/05/2021 10:10

Just seen you are not in uk, so Saturday medical help might be different. But still good to access it - shows you care and are taking this seriously, and gets him on the radar of support services.

Original poster
HandsInHair · 22/05/2021 10:17

OK. He is strangely cheerful now. Maybe I am catching this really early on and he is relieved I know.

He struggles with school. He is in a class for gifted children but struggles to get himself organised. So a lot of conversations with him have been to chase him about schoolwork. I want to ease the pressure from the schoolwork. He has his final exams coming up in a few weeks before he goes to secondary and would like to do well, or so he says.

OP posts:
Kayl23 · 28/05/2021 09:35

Hello! I started self harming quite severely when I was 12, I'm now 30 years old and work in mental health so would like to hope that I can help. Looking back to when I started self harming, the best thing my mum could have done would have been to tell me that it's okay and I wasn't in trouble. Try explaining to him that you will never be cross with him for self harming but that he can come and talk to you whenever he feels like doing it/has done it. Talk to him about ensuring he is safe. I know it's incredibly difficult and you will want to do anything within your power to stop him from self harming, but the truth is that (unfortunately) he will only stop if and when he wants to - the more understanding you are about that, the the more he will feel able to open up about it and hopefully stop sooner.
Regarding the girl, that's an incredibly difficult situation but I agree with PP about speaking to the school.

BigGreen · 28/05/2021 09:41

I'm massively extrapolating from a few words in your post, (sorry) but could he have ADHD? I'm just thinking if there are any underlying things going on for him in terms of challenges at school.

ScatteredMama82 · 28/05/2021 09:52

My DS sounds a little bit like yours. He's extremely intelligent but struggles with simple tasks and getting organised. He had a difficult time with a new teacher at school about 2 years ago (he's now 12). He was becoming very angry and disengaged. One day he screamed and yelled at me for getting cross with him about leaving everything until the last minute. I found him later in his room, digging his nails into his arm to cut himself intentionally.

I was so scared, we talked about it and I spoke to school about it. They helped massively, he was assigned a 'mentor' who he spent time with every week. She was a teacher, but also trained in mental health in children and she helped massively.

We have found that it's pressure and feeling like he isn't coping that tips him over. I have found that checklists help him to feel much more in control. He has a little whiteboard in his room, with morning and evening tasks on it. He ticks them off as he goes and he feels in control and a lot calmer.

Sorry you are going through this. The main thing is not to freak out (well, not to him anyway). Stay calm and approachable, encourage him to open up to you.

Original poster
HandsInHair · 30/05/2021 21:28

@Kayl23

Hello! I started self harming quite severely when I was 12, I'm now 30 years old and work in mental health so would like to hope that I can help. Looking back to when I started self harming, the best thing my mum could have done would have been to tell me that it's okay and I wasn't in trouble. Try explaining to him that you will never be cross with him for self harming but that he can come and talk to you whenever he feels like doing it/has done it. Talk to him about ensuring he is safe. I know it's incredibly difficult and you will want to do anything within your power to stop him from self harming, but the truth is that (unfortunately) he will only stop if and when he wants to - the more understanding you are about that, the the more he will feel able to open up about it and hopefully stop sooner. Regarding the girl, that's an incredibly difficult situation but I agree with PP about speaking to the school.
Thank you Kayl. That is very helpful.

I haven't been angry with him and haven't been checking him over physically either. I don't think he has hurt hilself since.

A few days ago I asked him if he wanted his knife back or if should keep a hold of it and he preferred me to keep it, which I am relieved avout.

I have a psychologist lined up for him to start in a few weeks time. I told him that I would like him to go so he can talk to someone about everything, also about all the things I do wrong. He thought that was a good idea (thanks DS Confused).

I am less panicked now but still worried. He seems so fragile to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
HandsInHair · 31/05/2021 06:05

@BigGreen

I'm massively extrapolating from a few words in your post, (sorry) but could he have ADHD? I'm just thinking if there are any underlying things going on for him in terms of challenges at school.
I don't think so, but I know very little about ADHD. I will have a google.
OP posts:
Kayl23 · 31/05/2021 08:40

@HandsInHair Yes it really does sound difficult, the one thing you want to do as a mother is protect your baby so it's awful when you feel like you can't. The fact he has told you to keep his knife is a fantastic sign though, he obviously wants the support with it which is half the battle won already!

Original poster
HandsInHair · 31/05/2021 09:44

@BigGreen

I'm massively extrapolating from a few words in your post, (sorry) but could he have ADHD? I'm just thinking if there are any underlying things going on for him in terms of challenges at school.
I've had a google. I don't think ADHD but potentially ADD. All the characteristics seem to match. I will ask the psychologist to try and assess.
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