can't tell anyone that I'm feeling like this - I think I might have PND - 3 dc's and DD is 16 months

[josben]

I have 3 Dc's and have not had PND with first two children, but I think I might have it now - even though DD1 is now 16 months. She is a lovely, placid baby but I just feel permanently stretched and stressed with looking after her and DS1 and DS2 who are 5 & 6. (probably no different to many mums I feel bad moaning because I've just read other threads about people who have newborns who never sleep.) I

I have been back at work (part time)for 5 months which is good in some ways but is pretty exhausting. I just feel that I'm not giving DD1 the time or attention she should be getting, there;s always stuff to do. My friends with first children same age as DD1 seem to take better care of their babies and seem to be more in tune with them.

My DH is constantly up tight - his job (which he doesn't enjoy) is very stressful and we have quite a lot of debt - to put it midly. So I always feel like we don't deserve stuff - because we have been reckless in the past - although I still don;t quite understand how we've got ourselves into this mess. We are not using credit cards at the moment and are trying to re-pay.

I'm going to stop writing now - I keep thinking about going to the Drs to get ad's - I'm not sure whats stopping me.

man, no advice but wanted to post that i know what you mean, re the nfeeling stretched and stressed etc. i think i did have pnd, prob with all 3, but i never wanted to admit it, nor did the docs ever take it seriously (and i did ask them about it, progressively more candidly, at least 5 times)

the debt bit i (thankfully) dont live under the shadow of anymore, and thats a helluva shadow to live under. i really sympathise. the only reason i am not under it, btw, is that dp isfinancially a lot more sensible/luckier than i am/have ever been/am ever likely to be!!

go to the docs if you keep thinking about it. give it atry. i dont know whats stopping you either... but then again, i dont know whats stopped me kicking up more of a fuss for me either, so what do i know??

Thanks for your post nappies galore, I think that I and DH probably under estimate how much our money situation brings us down - we just need to get on top of it.

When did you feel like you were more in control? do you think AD's would have helped you ?

yes i do. think they would have helped.

i have felt subtly, but progressively less suicidal crazy on the point of meltdown for the last.... i dunno, couple of months? i think down to A, the passage of time, and B, the privilege of being able to afford plenty of domestic/childcare support and the main stresses for the last year or two going away (the building owrk on the house all being done, 99% anyway)

but tis only now i am coming out of it (apart from temporary current relapse of shiteness while my nanny is sick atm and i am left to deal with 3 small and some sick dc alone!) that i can see that it was actually completely unneccessary for me to go through that without ad's.

if it was anyone i knew whod been fobbed off like that, id be livid on their behalf.

its not like youre wanting to be on them forever is it?

No, absolutely. I just wonder how much AD's could help me and in what way?

My Mum is a person who has a 'get on with it' attitude and I could not talk to her about my feelings even though I am very close to her. I am a bit of an 'everything is fine' person and wouldn't talk to anyone about how i feel in rl, which probably doesn't help. Were you able to confide in friends about how you felt?
I will make a Drs appt on monday - and talk to them.

no, not really. is a feature of my own unhappiness (cant bring myself to use the word depression even tho thats what it is) that i cut myself off and do not communicate. i put on a coping and together face and keep it all inside. am ashamed to speak about bad feelings, even tho i wouldnt for a second think badly of anyone else doing it.

not a remotely helpful way to go about things imo.

Yep - thats exactly me. I would always try be there to listen to a friend who is having problems - but i would rather not share my own feelings, I am a cancerian and do go into my shell when i want to - not neccessarily a good thing. Makes you feel a bit isolated. That is a good word to describe how I feel at the moment.

yes, i know that feeling.

helps to at least 'talk' on here tho eh? are you feeling any more like you might go and see the doc? and are you likely to pretend its all fine really once you get there?

Absolutely - I think that having a chat on here has made it seem real - thank you.

And I will really try hard not to pretend everything is fine when i go on monday to the docs. Need to get this stuff sorted...

Thanks again for your help

not at all josben.i really truly hope you can take care of yourself and make things better for you soon . x

Josben- weird, I just read your message too - seems like we're in sort of similar places - think you should definately make DR's appt - I did't want to but by actually doing it makes me feel that I've finally admitted that there's a problem.

When you become a mum you just think that everything is going to fall into place but life has a nasty habit of getting in the way - I do think DSS arrival is significant, it was something my DH always wanted, for many years DSS lived with his mum, and I never really believed he would ever come and live with us so when it did actaully happened I think it knocked me for six a bit.

Anyway, please make your DRs appt - we can compare notes next week!