I crave affection.

[Justbeenjabbed]

The worst stereotype when people self harm, is that they’re doing it for attention. We’re told that is completely untrue.

I don’t actually self harm. But I fantasise about it a lot. And for me, it is for attention. I don’t hate myself, but I’m looking for proof I matter. Proof others care about me. I feel invisible at the moment, I suppose coworkers appreciate the work I do, and my friends like having somebody to walk with, but anyone else would do. It doesn’t have to be me. I feel disposable, like I don’t really matter to anyone. I crave to know whether people care, to feel valued and liked. If I fell in front of a car, would that bother my friends and colleagues any more than it would a stranger? I don’t think it would but I so, so wish to be proven wrong. It’s like a yearning.
Anyone else feel this way or know how to overcome it?

Of course, I think that's totally understandable. I struggle with those feelings too sometimes.

Have you explored any of the self help type stuff around self compassion and loving kindness meditations? It's a way to stimulate the 'compassion' hormone Oxytocin. I think if we can feel kinder towards ourselves and our feelings then we also feel closer to other people so it's a win win really.

I have the same thoughts, and therapy has helped to give me context as to why I have this craving and desperate need. We're all going to have different back stories but I agree with trying meditation and self love/compassion and seeing if you can source your own self love so you put less importance on receiving it from outside. It's taken me a long time to get anywhere near understanding this in myself but I needed to first of all drop the judgement about my neediness and that came from understanding my history a little better. There was a time when we literally needed care and love for our very survival and for those of us who didn't receive it enough at this point we can have a tendency to wander around desperately searching for it wherever we think we can find it. It's an illusion though, we can never find what we are looking for as that ship has essentially sailed in our childhood. We have to find it within ourselves. Good luck OP.

Thank you @rainbowninja and @Leafy12. What you say makes a lot of sense.
Leafy, I present in several ways like somebody who experienced trauma in childhood- but to my knowledge there has not been anything. It’s so confusing. I was brought up in a happy home. My mum and dad loved and cared for me. Sure they weren’t perfect but I can’t think of any unhappy memories. They were quite emotionally distant, they were old fashioned, but that’s not so very unusual? Maybe something happened before I can remember. Maybe I’ll never know. I will look up self compassion xx

For me it's been important to understand that although I thought similar to you about my childhood, actually my lived and felt experience of childhood was not what I thought. From my own reading and therapy, I have discovered that trauma comes in all shapes and sizes and having emotionally distant parents can in itself be traumatising to a child, even if our memories of childhood are happy ones. This isn't spoken about much, I think we struggle as we connect the word trauma with a distinct event whereas I now feel that it is on a much wider spectrum than that. I really wonder if you would benefit from looking into this more for yourself to unpick some of this, especially given what you so clearly articulate in your initial post. I completely hear your need to be seen and that would make sense if you were held at a distance when you were a child. Take care.

Hi @Justbeenjabbed and @Leafy12

I just wanted to say thank you for talking about this stuff because it can feel quite (ironically) very isolating to be dealing with these kinds of issues.

It helped me when I learnt that it is the way we perceive circumstances that can make them traumatic and not necessarily the events themselves. I too came from a loving home but I also now understand that my parents were emotionally distant because they were dealing with quite a lot of stuff themselves and they weren't good at dealing with my emotions so I sort of found my own way to cope.

I'm reading a book at the moment about compassion focused therapy and trauma by Dr. Lee, it's really helpful.