Hi everyone, this is my first post here and I guess I’m a little anxious as it’s a mummy blog and given the title you can guess I’m not a mummy.
Basically, I have nobody to speak to about this and I’m struggling really badly. I can’t go more than an hour without breaking down in tears.
I’m 26yo, in a happy loving relationship. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago after not thinking I could get pregnant yet due to being on depo. I almost instantly became very very sick and was unable to keep any fluids or food down for 17 days, admitted to hospital multiple times for dehydration and was told it was HG.
Anyway, as it was unplanned and we aren’t in the financial position to care for a child. We made the decision to get a medical termination, I was around 7/8 weeks, and I describe the experience as a relief after the constant soul destroying sickness I was experiencing.
I’m now at an absolute loss, I didn’t want a baby and neither did my partner. But, I can’t help wondering if my decision would have been different if I wasn’t so ill. Now I’m left with nothing, I am grieving when I have no right to grieve. I have no physical evidence this ever happened, expect for some consent forms which make me sick to look at. Whilst I was getting diagnoses with HG they had to check I wasn’t having an ectopic pregnancy as I was experiencing pain, which turned out to be a ruptured cyst, this was obviously done via an ultrasound which I regret looking over at the screen and seeing the tiny heart beat. I feel like I’ve killed my own baby, and I hate myself. I don’t know how to deal with all these feelings. I also saw the baby when it came out whilst in hospital going through with the termination and I honestly feel like I will never ever forget this.
Has anyone been through this and have any tips on how to cope? I don’t have anyone I can talk to, thank you for reading