I've ruined my life and I want it back

[Elitebook]

I've always been so lucky, very happily married with a great job & wonderful home.

My life seemed to combust shortly after the first lockdown in 2020.

I had an emotional affair with husbands friend, it went on for a month. It was only messages and a few kisses.

This was over 8 months ago now.

My husband has forgiven me for the emotional affair, he really is a wonderful guy, however I can't seem to let him to kiss/touch me and I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel if I could allow my marriage to get back to normal then life will get back to normal.

I seem to flit between wanting to get back to normal and wanting to leave and be on my own.

I feel like im carrying so much guilt that I don't deserve to be happy (many people will probably agree)

I feel like I am making my own misery and I can't seem to snap out of it.

I am praying that with the restrictions being lifted we can kind of get back to some kind of normal.

I hate myself, I hate my life now, I just want it to go back to normal but it's me that's stopping it.

How old are you ?

@DinosaurDiana
38

I’m wondering about peri menopause
I also swing between wanting him to go away so I can have my own home, and wanting things to go back to how they used to be . I’ve even gone so far as to speak to a solicitor.
I’ve wondered if mine is peri or a mid life crisis, or maybe I’ve just got to the point in my life where he is so irritating that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this.
Let me know when you work it out ! 💐

@DinosaurDiana - thanks for replying - Have you looked into peri menopause yourself?

I have thought the same, been for bloods and hospital have confirmed im not peri menopause.
However, I now understand that you cannot always tell via bloods?
My Nan went through the menopause at 39 and I do wonder if i'm following suit.

Maybe you just don’t love your DH anymore OP? Do you fantasise about him meeting someone else so you can legitimately end the relationship? It’s ok if you do, people fall out of love and if you are with the wrong man, it’s ok to leave. I feel like your question is that you wish you could love him again so you could keep all your lovely aspects of your life without this sense of dissatisfaction. I might be completely wrong so ignore me if so! Wishing you all the best, you can get through this

@SandysMam

Do you fantasise about him meeting someone else so you can legitimately end the relationship?

I have thought this - many times. Someone asked me the same question, how would you feel if he met someone else, my response was i'd be happy for him.

I'm trying to remember how happy we were but with covid it's really hard now to remember any kind of normal life...

Which is why i'm thinking with restrictions easing maybe it'll just come back?

Do I give myself another couple of months when i've already felt this way for over 8 months.....

@SandysMam @DinosaurDiana

Just typing this out I feel better - thank you both for taking the time to message

Believe me, I know exactly how you are feeling and I’m peri menopause. I’d go with your symptoms for a diagnosis, not with what the bloods show. Particularly with your nan’s early menopause. Do you have any other symptoms ?
I first felt like I’d come to the end of my marriage about 4 years ago, but I’m still hanging on.
I have fantasised about him meeting someone else, and even dying. I don’t know if I’d feel a sense of relief or regret. I just don’t know.

@DinosaurDiana

I had a coil fitted about 2 years ago to cope with heavy periods.

Took 6 months to settle, then the next 12 months were brilliant, the coil really seem to lift my mood, past 6 months I wasn't sure if it was the coil making me feel like this? But then with Covid and life being awful for everyone in some way or another im not sure if i'm being ridiculous?

I have fantasised about him meeting someone else, and even dying. I don’t know if I’d feel a sense of relief or regret. I just don’t know

I have done both of these and felt awful for thinking it!

the coil really seem to lift my mood, past 6 months I wasn't sure if it was the coil making me feel like this?

Mirena coil I'm guessing?

If so that thing is the devil. It turned me legitimately crazy, depressed, completely unable to control my emotions. I can say, hand on heart, it ruined the best relationship I ever had and I still think about him from time to time nearly 10 years later.

The moment it was removed it was like this fog cleared.

It's almost impossible to describe and I don't think I'm doing a very good job as that whole year was just... a bit of a blur? I remember thinking it was the best thing since sliced bread for maybe a year... then things just gradually spiralled until I was pleading with the doctor to get it out of me and searching youtube in the middle of the night for ways to get it out.

I sound unhinged, I'm sure. I'm genuinely a nice normal person, I promise. Google stuff like Mirena made me crazy etc.

Then unless you are mentally unwell you have come to the end of your marriage in my opinion. My friend was having all these thoughts but couldn't face ending it. She ended up so unhappy she had a breakdown and has since separated and going for divorce. She feels a weight has been lifted now the decision has been made and is beginning to get well again. It's takes a lot of courage to leave but sometimes it has to be done for both of your sakes

It doesn't sound as if the reason you strayed has been acknowledged and dealt with yet tbh OP.

It sounds as if your marriage is over though. Maybe you need to deal with that head on.

@winched

Really? When you had it removed, how long did it take you to feel back to yourself again?
It's really helped with my periods, which was such a relief. Never thought about depression, moods, my anxiety has been through the roof!

@Skyla2005

I feel its my own misery which is making me feel this way - my marriage was always rock solid until 8 months ago.
I'm just constantly thinking what if....