Anxiety - really struggling

[neonorchid]

I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember. Probably from around the age of 11 I'm mid 40's now. I seem to go through cycles of it where I can cope with it or it almost goes completely.

For the last few years I've found that it gets so bad that I cannot physically leave the house to go to work. I've left jobs over it, I've had time off on sick because of it. I've probably only had one job that I never called in sick with anxiety or got myself so worked up that I couldn't go.

I'm back the again at the minute. I found myself a really easy job that fits in around my home lifestyle and it's such easy work. This morning I woke up so anxious that again I couldn't leave the house. I feel like a total failure and just a useless person.
I am waiting for CBT I referred myself the other week for it as have a telephone appointment coming up in the next few weeks.

Taking medication is out of the question it just makes me feel even more anxious about taking something and feeling worse than I already do. It's such a vicious cycle that I don't know what to do. If I'm just at home doing the boring day to day things I'm fine. I don't know how I get past this feeling of not being able to go to work. I overthink everything, worry what people must think of me, I worry about letting people down and causing problems just because I'm anxious.

If you got this far Thankyou for taking the time to read it!

I am exactly the same as you. I too have felt this way since early childhood.
I just can not seem to be able to work, enjoy it and earn decent money as my anxiety holds me back every time.
I was a SAHP for 10 years and tbh they were the best years, I wasn’t free of the anxiety but it was much more manageable and I felt a calmness being at home.
Because being at work stresses me so much, I worry what people think of me, whether I am doing the work correctly, to my best ability or if others are doing it better than me. I stress about getting told off or criticised for something I’ve done wrong etc, it’s a never ending whirlwind of thoughts.
I have worked part time for the last 2 years and my anxiety has been sky high, nothing helps, sadly, for me not even CBT.
I am 48 and long to be able to give up work for good and not have the stress of work but sadly I need the money.
It doesn’t help that I also have daily IBS so that adds to my worry as I constantly stress about the symptoms or that I’ll have an accident at work.
Sorry that I don’t have any answers but know you are not alone.