Completely Alone

[DietCokehead1]

I am writing out of desperation to tell someone, anyone, how I feel, in a last ditch attempt to survive.

I honestly don’t think anybody in my situation could last for very long. I have been moving around different cities and countries for my husband’s work for years, but for the last 5, we’ve been in one place. A place miles away from what’s left of my home, family and friends, where I don’t understand the language or the culture, where I don’t know anybody. Even the small, close-knit English speaking community (Canadians and Americans mostly) have enough cultural differences to seem quite alien to me. I also have a husband who I think MUST be on the autistic spectrum. He basically doesn’t speak and lives in his own world and is so engrossed in his own interests that it is clearly an irritation for him to have to deal with his wife and children. I have considered divorcing him but I think that would make things worse. (No money, no home, no work permit or visa). The children are perfect and the joy of my life but at 1 and 3 years old they are also a struggle. I do not have any time to myself but even if I did there is nowhere to go and nothing to do here. It was bad enough before the pandemic but now it’s literally unbearable.

It has to got to the point where I feel like I have been alone for years and years, barely talking to another adult that whole time.

I have always liked being alone but I used to have lots of friends back home in London so I didn’t realize at first how much I would miss them. I no longer have anybody to correct my distorted thinking or to help me make sense of things. I am slowly losing my mind.

I cannot commit suicide though I am absolutely desperate to do so. Though I don’t think the children would notice or care, and would soon forget about me, I want to be around to make sure they have properly cared for. But I honestly don’t know how I’m going to keep myself alive. The only solution I have found is to try to shut myself down completely, don’t want or expect anything, don’t think about anything, just do what needs to be done for the kids and that’s it. Like a mother robot. It’s no life at all but maybe it’s better than death.

They say tell someone how you feel before it’s too late but I have tried that and found that most people deliberately choose not to hear what you’re saying because nobody likes a downer. I have also tried to find professional help but I can’t afford it here.

Is anybody else in the same/similar boat?

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I’m probably of no use but I couldn’t read and not reply. Your children would of course notice and very much care if you were no longer here. I hope you find someone who you can talk to but if need be continue to post on here please. There is a thread running at the minute where people post just generally how they feel that day and I know for me personally it’s been great to get a few things out and knowing someone is listening (and not judging) if that makes sense and I have only posted once to introduce myself. I don’t have the answers unfortunately but it’s important for you to know that your life is worthwhile and valid and you are worth more than just going through the motions. Please reach out on that thread as I’m sure someone will be able to offer better advice than me.

You poor, poor thing, I sympathise enormously. I am a single parent of two children with no family support and it is lonely. My two children are older and my daughter is about to set off for university in September. Even now, I do think there would be a tremendous void in their lives if I was not here, but when you are the only person motivating yourself to keep going, it is hard. But of course they would miss you if you were not there. They have a wonderful mother and they need to know her as they grow up.

You say that professional help is expensive where you are, but does that include anti-depressants? I took them a couple of years back and am considering it again. Just to lift my mood a bit so that constantly motivating myself does not feel so tiring.

Would it be possible to come back to the U.K.? Have you discussed this with your husband? Does he know how you feel?

Please don’t feel like you have to answer my questions if you don’t want to. I think purposefully closing down your emotions makes sense when you are in pain, to protect yourself, but it is not good longer term. I totally get what you say about other people helping you make sense of things and get out of your own head and it is difficult not to have that. I like the sound of the thread Odetomelancholy posted, maybe talking online to people would help in the meantime - and see your doctor if you can in case some medication would help lift your mood and help you cope until you can see a more positive pathway through this difficult situation?

OP - I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time.

I’ve been there, so a lot of what you said rang true. I’ve also come through the other side and I wanted to tell you to have hope. This will change. And while you probably feel like this is an unsolvable situation, you will be able to turn it around.

There is a lot going on in your life, but the first thing you need to tackle is how you’re feeling. I’d recommend speaking to a doctor about how you feel. Antidepressants really helped me - they don’t change the things making you depressed, but they act like a buoyancy aid and give you the space to work out what’s wrong.

Is it possible to take a few weeks to come to the UK and stay with friends or family? Even a couple of weeks?

I completely understand that loneliness of being with a disinterested partner. I often wondered if my ex- H had Aspergers- he didn’t care how I felt.

What really helped when I felt the way you are feeling was spending time with people who cherish you. And if that’s not possible due to COVID, aim to spend some time away from your husband.

You will get through this. Sending you lots of love

Thank you all for saying nice things. To answer a few questions, it’s not possible to travel to the UK due to Covid, but I think even if it were, I’m not sure that there’s anything to go back to. I don’t even know if my friends are still my friends after such a long time away. I also think that it would ultimately be a mistake to give up what we have here. The children have such a good life, better than anything we could afford back home. So I am pretty much stuck.

Yes I have considered antidepressants - I used to take them a few years back - but I tried them again recently and ended up in hospital due to blood clots. I know there are others I could try but that experience has sort of put me off them.

I don’t want to make my husband sound worse than he is, I just mean that I/we are clearly not a priority for him, and that makes me feel shitty. In many ways he is a good husband and father, but I think he probably should never have become either of those things. I kind of feel like I hate him but I don’t think he deserves that. My mind is so fucked up I don’t know if anything I’m thinking or feeling is right.

Oh OP I’m so sorry to hear your pain. You sound like you are in a tough place. Reading your post, have you considered that you may have a prolonged Post natal depression going on here? Clots aside, I’d really consider what other pp’s have said and go to a Dr ....tell them about the clots history....there are so many different types of anti depressants out there that a dr can choose for you.
Coming from a family with many people on the spectrum, ASD can present some communication challenges. Everybody is different of course, but I would say in my family showing positive facial emotion and also validating other family members emotions are things that we have to work really hard at. A lot of professional people are ‘fixers’. They spend their working lives fixing problems. Sometimes however within our relationships, we don’t want someone to quickly fix. We want a partner to listen, to play back and to understand and empathise ....this is validation. The good news is, it’s never too late to actually acquire these skills if the will is there to learn them. There are some great online learning videos about validating someone’s feelings. When we are depressed, as you clearly are OP, validation is even more important.
I would talk to your partner and tell him that you need him to just listen and empathise with you. Fro what you mention of your situation, he sounds isolated too. Are there any social opportunities out there for either of you to become involved in?
Suicide is not the escape route OP. Your children will be shaped forever by that. Trauma like that can cause personality disorders and a lifelong fear of abandonment. Many many others would suffer unimaginable anguish too. Every person that takes there own life apparently impacts (severely) the lives of 130 other people....you end your pain but you pass it to others.
If you feel that close to killing yourself....you’ve planned it, then for goodness sake ..,just leave and go to London and see friends or family for a few weeks to reevaluate your life. Thinking of you.

You say you can’t afford professional help OP, but can your DH really afford to lose his wife? Talk to your husband and you both as a couple just have to prioritise paying for therapy. If you have health insurance via a firm and you are named on the policy it may be covered. Don’t give up!

OP i had to check the date to see if this was something I'd posted under a different name.

Search Cassandra Syndrome. Also Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome. Also Maxine Easton. These are not diagnoses, rather they're unofficial descriptors of what happens to you when you're in the sort of relationship you're in. Some people say that as they're not official diagnoses that means they don't exist. I'd say that some people think things don't exist if they've not personally experienced them...doesn't mean they're right.

The issue of being abroad is an absolute fucking nightmare. I had no idea what it meant when things like this happen. Getting divorced when you've been in other countries for your spouse's work (and often can't get a work visa in those places, don't have the right qualification or can't get work because you don't know exactly how long you're going to be there anyway) takes divorce nightmares to a whole other level of hell.

Then there's this situation of being profoundly alone. Alienated in some ways from everything around you: people, culture, language - even weather sometimes.

And a partner who doesn't recognise you're suffering, or your emotions really.

Honestly OP, it's beyond the capability of anybody to withstand that all for any length of time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. The problem is your environment. All of it.

My children are now older than yours. When they were the age of yours, I was also in a situation which made divorce impossible - well, technically possible, but I'd have been in an insanely shitty situation abroad and unable to leave country..and unable to work there because I didn't speak the language well enough to function! I started studying with the OU to give me options. It also gave me hope, which is very useful to have... If I were to go back in time, I'd have done it full time, not part time, so I finished faster.

Something to keep in mind is that soon travel back to the U.K. will be possible (without the hotel quarantine). And usually (double check this with an international divorce lawyer) if you file for divorce in England (specifically) then regardless of where you live, the divorce can proceed there. If, however, he were to file for divorce first in another country, that's where it would happen. Just something to keep in mind.

There is no magic bullet here, but there is a way out. You need a plan.

• You need to decide somewhere you want to end up and how you're going to get there. - Speak to international divorce lawyer based in that country (some have a free 1/2 hr).
• If it's back to the U.K., then definitely make contact with old friends. You have nothing to lose there. Keep it light though. Ask how they are doing, say you've been thinking about them. Some may not reply, others may. If nobody does that won't be nice, but you won't be on a worse situation that you are now.
• Tell any close friends or family (hard when you're away, I know), what's happening, so they can support you. Again, if they don't, you're not materially worse off than now.
• look for a therapist who is working online. There are a lot due to Covid. Ideally you want one who knows what it is to live as an expat spouse.
• Remember that your children need you far more than they need money. It's scary to imagine a big drop in material things, but what will disadvantage your kids more than anything is an unhappy mother. Especially when their father isn't involved in their lives that much.

You might need to engage some childcare too (even if "only" to give yourself a chance to breathe). If DH has an issue with this because you're not working, then do it anyway: it's not like he's being much help and looking after children is work. It's just unpaid and thankless.

Finally, you're not alone. The situation is rare in it's complexity, but you're not the only one. And there really is a way out of this and you definitely can do it. But the key is that you need to. This is a situation that can't improve for you if you do nothing. It's not easy though, to make the changes, but it is something that can be done. There is hope here, even though I know the weight of it all and the bone-permeating loneliness is utterly overwhelming.

Please PM me if you'd like to chat privately about anything I've said.

I am sorry to hear you ended up in hospital with blood clots. That must have been scary, and if your husband is disinterested, made you feel even more alone. I understand your reluctance to take them.

You say in some ways your husband is a good husband and father. Does he know how you feel mentally? Would he pay attention enough to work out with you how to get therapy and support you with that? Or would his disinterest mean that you need to try and organise this yourself? In some ways the latter gives you more autonomy as long as you can pay for it (and hopefully you at least have joint finances?). With so many things being online now, therapy here would be online too, so I wonder if it is possible to find someone in the U.K. if you cannot find someone where you are? Maybe reach out to your family in the U.K. and ask for help finding someone? Or even just let them know how you feel? As sneeuw says the worst that can happen is they say no, and I don’t think they would do that - if it was my daughter, I would be wanting to help her as much as I can. But it seems to me that therapy should be a priority so you don’t feel so alone and have someone to help you work out how to get to where you want to be (or indeed, what you want to do). You are worth the time and money for this and if, as you say, you have a comfortable life, then the money should be there. So don’t be afraid or ashamed to take it.

I was also wondering about reaching out to former friends in the U.K. Everyone might be busy with their own lives but equally, they might be happy to hear from you. I would be thrilled if one of my old friends took the time to look me up and say hello.

It is very difficult with small children, and you have two in a difficult situation. I do remember once a counsellor saying to me that depression is a natural reaction to circumstances or environment if you feel powerless to change it. This is true but to me it seems like a vicious circle because being depressed also makes you feel powerless to change it, so it gets worse. So somehow you need to believe that you can change the situation, in however small ways, step by step to make things more tolerable and work on a pathway out of it. I imagine you have thought of lots of ways and come up against reasons why they might not work, but I would urge you to think again. The fact that you are posting here is really brave and there is still enough of your self which wants things to get better. So the question is how to nurture that piece of you that is reaching out and not switching off emotionally, and encourage it to get bigger.

For what it is worth, your thoughts don’t sound all over the place or fucked up to me. What you say sounds quite coherent.

Finally, I like the OU suggestion. It might be that part-time is all that is possible with two small children but having something for yourself sounds like a good idea, also you will get to ‘meet’ people. You don’t say what the job opportunities are where you are but I imagine childcare is an issue? The only thing I wonder about the OU is the fees if you are overseas which might be expensive. But again, I do think if the money can be found, it would be worth it to have a sense of purpose and make connections.

Lots of for you.