Is this depression and am I doing the right things re DH?

[Chocolatepeanuts]

Hi, first time posting in this topic, but hopng for some advice regarding my DH. Last night he finally disclosed to me that he has been feeling really really low, much lower than I imagined, over this past 12-18 months, and has been trying to tell either me or a friend but couldn't find the words. He is self employed so income/money has been a worry, but not so much recently he says. He feels useless and a waste of space, feels better when he's with a part time employee during the day, but on days when he works alone he often cries driving to and from work but doesnt know why. He is on the go constantly, says he cant sit down. Comes home, eats and straight back out again.

He feels guilty and was very upset because he feels doesn't seem to have the same connection with our eldest DS as he has with younger 2 ( different interests and hobbies) Kids are all primary age.

He's worried he's turning out like or will turn out like his father (alcoholic, DH would have witnessed DV as a child) even though he doesnt drink to excess ever and is the least violent man I know.

He feels guilty over things that have happened within our marriage in the past that we have dealt with (not infidelity) and we had moved on from but recently has been thinking i would have been far better off today if we had separated back then and wasnt still tied to such a "loser".

He doesnt think he has had active suicidal thoughts, but has once imagined taking all his pain medications at one time and then it would all be over. A close neighbour ended his life a few years ago with a yoing family and when we've talked in the past about it I always talked about how I struggled to understand why he did it....DH now says he can understand exactly why he did it and how he probably felt he was doing his family a favour. He knows if he did something like tat ot would be horrific for us initially but might be better off in the long run.

This all probably coincides with severe siatic pain that started around Feb or March last year which DH takes strong medication for, has tried Naproxen, valium to name a few, but as he drives heavy machinary he has had to be very careful. GP in all this time has never laid eyes on him just keeps doling out the tablets. Around this time he also started to suffer from some ED although we put this to pain.

He has said this weekend, all the darkness into light advertisements on the radio and the posts on instagram seem to be triggering him and making him feel worse or think about it constantly.

He says he doesn't feel in danger of doing anything stupid and already feels like a weight has lifted off his chest having talked to me.

I am going to ring GP on monday for an urgent appt, but I don't want them just throwing tablets at him without some sort of assessment. Would it worth getting some form counselling alongside this? Could it be down to the medication? Is there anything else I should be doing?

DH is mid 30s and our kids are primary aged.

This morning he feels ok a bit tearful and embarrassed. Ive tried to reassure him as best I can.

Sorry this is long and garbled, and probably emotionless I just wanted to list everything that came out last night. Just wondering what else I can do to help him.

Definitely sounds like depression. Which is actually textbook in sufferers of chronic pain. The human mind can only take so much constant pain before it begins to crack under the stress.

You’ve done right thing getting urgent GP appointment and DH should ask to be referred for psychological assessment and also a chronic pain clinic. Physio could possibly help his sciatica as well and I’d recommend he self refer for that too.

I’d reassure him that he won’t turn into his dad. Highlight the differences. For one he is trying to fight this instead of giving up and turning to a bottle.

Thank you @PlanDeRaccordement.

He has been given exercises by the physio, and has seen orthopaedics (privately-GP wouldnt refer), he has a couple of bulging discs. The pain is definitely a lot better than it was since he got an injection in his back (fluro something or other). Good days and bads with it.

Yes, im constantly reassuring him hes nothing like him and never will be.

Who does the psychological assessment do you know, the GP?

Don't be so quick to dismiss antidepressants. The waiting list alone for counselling can be horrendous and then it takes a while to reframe your mind and learn tactics to deal with depression. I had a brilliant GP who gave me antidepressants while the referral was in progress. She then weaned me off the pills very slowly over the course of a year and I've been doing really well since then. The difference from antidepressants alone was incredible, my motivation skyrocketed and I felt like I had so much more energy. I can see why people become dependent (I didn't feel like I needed counselling by the time it came around) but you have to go into it knowing pills are a temporary measure and you need to deal with the root of the problem.

Sorry I didn't mean i was dismissive of antidepressants, if he needs them he needs them, I just meant I wasn't keen for GP to write a script based on a short phonecall rather than a face to face appointment, which I imagine they'll try given our experience over the past year. Maybe he doesnt need a f2f appointment though?!

Glad you're feeling better @MilduraS

Who does the psychological assessment do you know, the GP?

The psychological assessment is usually done by a psychologist. GP refers person to local mental health team and then it’s a wait list for psychological assessment. The assessment does a whole person approach and recommends treatment. Both a psychiatrist to manage any medication- like anti-depressants and a psychologist to do therapy.

Since your DH came from an abusive childhood with alcoholic father it is likely he has unresolved trauma that is feeding his depression...the comments where he thinks he is a waste of space, crying but not knowing why, inability to sit with own thoughts, thinking he’d be doing you a favour if he ended his life- that’s probably rooted in being abused as a child. It’s sadly true that having your own children can trigger if not memories of an abused childhood, at least the emotions that you felt as a child.

So I think your DH is a complex case and the GP might prescribe some anti-depressants while he is on the wait list, but I’d push for psychological assessment as I think anti-depressants alone will only be a short term plaster. Your DH needs a full course of therapy.

Thank you so much @PlanDeRaccordement. This sounds even worse and scarier than I feared initially. I know he wont tell the GP all this over a short phonecall. I really appreciate your advice.

Would private counselling in the meantime help at all? Or are we better just waiting on the psychology assessment?

Oh, sorry didn’t mean to scare you. It’s a longer wait and more complex than it really needs to be. Once he’s assessed it usually results in 20 sessions once a week with a psychologist doing CBT, EMDR or whatever. But they know their stuff and it would greatly benefit him and give him tools he can use for life!

@Chocolatepeanuts

Would private counselling in the meantime help at all? Or are we better just waiting on the psychology assessment?

If you can go private, do. But my advice Is to choose an actual psychologist office that has a psychiatrist on staff, not a mental health therapist or relationship counsellor. They will do their own psychological assessment and establish their own treatment plan. The difference is your DH won’t have the 6-12 month NHS wait list to navigate. He can get assessed and be starting therapy within a couple months, and be done with therapy probably a year from now.

My DH has depression, also abused as a child. So I’ve been where you are OP.

I have to say I would be surprised if the GP referred to secondary services at this stage, OP. I think, rightly or wrongly, the most likely outcome is that he will be offered ADs and referred to IAPT or counselling services.

CMHTs are very stretched unfortunately, and I would only expect a referral to be made for depression if it was treatment resistant.

From what you've said there are many similarities between your DH and mine. (He ended up having a complete breakdown and couldn't function at all. It's a good sign yours has spoken to you before this )
In the end, I took him to the GP and prompted him to be honest. Thankfully my just being there made him explain everything and the GP was amazing. Maybe they'll do a video call so it would be similar?
He talked through a variety of options and DH went for sertraline. It didnt fix the problems but it did mean he was able to take a step back and begin to sort things out. He was able to access therapy and two years on we're in a much better place.

Hi, I probably won’t get everything posted right now as it’s chaos here but I wanted to post a little advice and support.

I was in this position with my OH a couple of months ago in terms of depression reaching a point where action needed to be taken. My OH also had an alcoholic father and chaotic childhood. He has had depression in and off for years but a few weeks ago he reached crisis point, it was a mix of the end of some counselling sessions, the likelihood of job loss, the pandemic (compounded by homeschooling and young children) and it just all got too much. Fortunately he reached out and whilst I knew he was down I had no idea how invasive his thoughts had got.
I just want to say today that if you need help before you can speak to the GP call 111 and they will advise you. I had to as it was the weekend and my GPs don’t open. 111 assessed us and then and doctor called us and we were referred to a hospital for an emergency assessment, all happened quite quickly. So if you need help call and they will direct you. My OH talked to the doctors and 111 without me hearing it was important he tell the truth even if he could not to me.
He was then out under the day care of our local hospital and was further assessed and supported there (attended daily and then every few days) and is now under GP care. He’s in a much better place than he was, with space to think now his thoughts are calmed. He was given meds to get through the first few weeks and is now on ADs.

I can’t write more now but I’ll be back later.

Thanks so much everyone for your advice and sharing your experiences. I think depsite everything OH doesn't even realise or accept he had an abusive childhood but he clearly has. We've been together since our teens so I was there for the tale end of it and his parents marriage breakdown (mil stayed for the kids and he carries guilt over that as well).

We havent had much of a chance to talk today with the kids around but will get sitting down tonight hopefully for a proper conversation. Last night was in bed in the pitch black.

I don't have any advice to add to what has already been said but I just wanted to say that you're a great partner to your husband in asking for help to help him. It must have been frightening to hear him confess the depth of his emotional pain and the thoughts that are intruding on him. Well done to you for jumping to action. Just remember to find support for yourself as he goes through the process of finding the path to recovery. In my experience it is a long road with many ups and downs, and in order to help him you have to take extra care of yourself.

Back again. Not much more to add as I can see it had already been written but it is a good first step that he has opened up to you. You can only ask that he is honest with the GP because that will mean he gets the help he requires.

As others have said you do need to look after yourself. That’s tricky now but resting when you can, getting out on your own for a walk or in the garden, eating healthily when you can be arsed!

Keep posting here if you want support, there’s a lot of us who have experienced this.

I have had bouts of depression in the past. There is alcoholism and suicide risk within my family also. I know severe nerve pain too and have had some significant traumas associated with my health.
The one thing that saved me was private therapy with a wonderful counsellor whom I have seen on and off for almost 10 years now. Sometimes the cumulative effect of things from childhood up to adulthood, with chronic pain thrown in, send some of us to the edge and we break. Sounds like this is what's happening with your DH.

Naproxen should have no effect on his cognitive function btw. Opiates like tramadol or drugs like diazepam will. Has he considered steroid injections into the areas affected by pain - eg sacroiliac area / lower spine where inflammation in lower spinal discs often trigger sciatica. I get sciatica so know the drill! Mines loads better now.

Anti depressant tablets can help in a crisis; I took them for a few years and they certainly helped. But, the side effects when first starting can be scary and anxiety can be raised temporarily as you start them. Having someone he can talk to privately, in confidence, without you there, is probably going to be a huge help for him overall. With AD tablets going alongside this he has every hope of finding some comfort in life again.

Get to the g.p with him as soon as you can and discuss options for tablets and gauge wait lists for counselling. I would advise sorting the private options out alongside this. You're likely going to be waiting too long on NHS. Choosing a counsellor who you feel confident with is also key for him. He could be lumbered with anyone after months/ years on the NHS waiting list.

You're looking at £40 ish per session privately, with discounts possibly if you're struggling financially.

I hope you have some support too as this is also going to be really tough for you. Lots of hugs x