Son with Eating Disorder - may be triggering

[mrsorms]

My son is 20. He has had issues with his mental health since his early teens and left school in Year 9 due to extreme anxiety. He had some interventions (a failed course of CBT when he was 15 and visits from a MH nurse just after he stopped attending school) but he refused to engage most of the time. An Ed Psych assessed him when he was 15.

He has been almost obsessive with respect to fitness and going to the gym for all this time, and his eating was very regimented (extremely 'healthy' and 'clean') until 2020.

Now, he has bulimia. He binges and vomits several times a day, several times a week, and it is affecting his health.

He will not see a doctor and he will not seek support or advice from organisations such as BEAT. He insists it is his 'problem' and he will deal with it.

Yet, it is not just his problem. I had a profound eating disorder as a teenager and young woman and spent many years in and out of psychiatric hospitals. I lost my teeth by the time I was 28, and I nearly lost my life.

I managed to get my life on track by the time I was 30 and now, at twice that age, I have no real issues around food.

I live alone with my son and he is very open about his behaviour. He is not secretive around me (I was very secretive) and he tells me exactly how he feels mentally and physically. It breaks my heart to hear him talk about his feelings of worthlessness, his fear that he will die and the terrible rage he feels. Yet, I can do nothing with the information. I have spoken to the GP, but whilst they can placate me, they cannot help my son unless he contacts them.
I feel so many emotions. The institutions in which I spent most of my young years were not brilliant places, and I had thought I had left that period of my life behind. Yet now, I see my son behaving as I did and, although interventions in the 70s and 80s were not good, they did save my life. However, I can do nothing for my son.
I try to keep positive, just like my mother did for me. I try to say the right things. But many times, I will just clam up, focus on work and then cry with guilt and helplessness when he leaves the house.

I am not the best person for him. I know this illness too well, and I know that it is devilishly hard to control when it has become as entrenched as it is with my son. I also know there are so many untouched issues beneath his behaviour. Yet I cannot help him.

I apologise for the rant. I just need to let this out.

Sorry you’re both going through this must be so tough. Does he give a reason why he’s not wanting to see a doctor about his eating disorder?

Thank you for replying.

This is a good point. I asked for some information from BEAT about how to support someone with an ED and the literature they sent referred to different stages on the road to recovery. I think in general, people move from denial, to admitting they have a problem, but not being ready to seek help and on to seeking help.

I think my son is at the second stage. He admits he has a problem, but he dare not seek help - perhaps because he fears he will have to do things that will disrupt his routine (walking thousands of steps a day, working out at the gym and so on - or the bulimic behaviour), or perhaps because he is ashamed. I feel he is open with me because he knows I had a similar problem, so I cannot 'judge' him. He really fears judgement because he has such negative self esteem.

His older brother and father are autistic (both diagnosed) and he was referred for assessment when he was 16, but declined to pursue this. This may be another reason why his routines are so rigid.

So your son knows your history? Because I beg to differ with your self assessment on being the worst person to help him through this because you have battled this demon and survived it. How did you gain wellness and perspective? Did you engage with therapy and medication? I appreciate how hideous and raw this may feel for you to see your child in the battle ground of this but you may also be best placed to offer empathy, time, kindness and compassion and also realism.

I used to think this. What helped me the most was not the therapies or interventions. In those days, they comprised of months of bed rest, Largactyl, ECT, modified insulin therapy and basically being fattened up in hospital, only to return when the weight plummeted again. The hospitals were not nice places at all, and I spent years in and out of them.

What really helped me was finding something that gave some positive self esteem. For me, this was education, primarily. However, I was nearly thirty when things began to change for me.

I have tried to talk to my son about trying this course or that course. However, he rejects the offer. I am desperate to find something that will give him some form of confidence and something that he can channel his obsession into. The gym and fitness seem to be part of his problem.

I agree about the empathy and kindness. My mother was the only one who believed in me, even though, at times, I believed there was no way I would survive. This is why I rant on here, rather than in front of my son. Yet, just watching him deteriorate is so painful, and the memories - of things I never wish to remember - keep coming back.

Yes absolutely rant away here. What if, and I don't know, but what if the greatest gift you can give him is the belief that he will come through this. It will take time and it will be like his own personal hell, but somehow he will come through. I wonder if on some level because of your own experiences of treatment sounded aggressive and restrictive perhaps it's time to find someone or somewhere that would try a different approach. There are so many more perspectives that go beyond just trying to get someone to gain weight. You sound like a lovely Mum OP, and I can't imagine the pain this is causing you but I can tell that you are best placed to walk alongside your son through this.

I’d take a slightly different tactic. As you’ve said- this is affecting you, it is not just his problem. I would try and push the going to the drs issue, however was appropriate for your situation. I remember being unwell, and my husband at the time saying that I needed to go to the dr’s or he was leaving. So, I did. At the moment, I have to take my medication, or I’d lose my kids. Sometimes having to do things for other people helps, if you can’t do it for yourself. I’ve had a recent thing with my teenage son where I’ve said he/we needs to get outside help because I cannot deal with his issue alone. It’s too much to expect of a person, who isn’t getting any support themselves, to just cope with a loved ones destructive or distressing issues themselves. We have to look after ourselves too.

I'm very sorry you and your DS are going through this. It sounds incredibly difficult.

Have you and your DS seen the recent film Freddie Flintoff made for the BBC about his bulimia? They show him meeting patients, psychologists and a dietician. He's still very much in denial. It sort of dawns on him half way through the program that he may need some professional help. It might nudge your DS to a different perspective on getting help. Or maybe not, but he might find it reassuring to see someone as talented and successful as FF also facing the same demons.