Looking for any advice.
I don’t want to speak to anybody in real life about it at all I just need to know what I can do myself.
Silly really because the answer seems so simple but it just isn’t so easy.
So to cut a long story short I’ve found myself very quickly and suddenly back into a pattern of restricting calories and abusing laxatives.
My diet is currently consisting of fasting all day and eating at tea time. Currently I’m not obsessing over what I can eat at tea time and hope to keep it that way but I know myself and I know how quickly it can spiral.
I’d say I’m eating around 800-900 calories in an evening meal and dessert which is allot I know but it’s my way of making sure I don’t get back to the super low restrictions and I suppose fooling myself into believing that what I’m doing is ok.
I’ve gotten back to the laxatives though. Not been taking them for a super long time again yet but it works out as 150 a month. I’m taking 5 straight after my meal each day.
Then diet pills.
I’m taking 2 strong appetite suppressant/fat burning diet pills every morning.
This isn’t new to me. I’ve struggled with eating issues in the past and between my highest weight and my lowest there is about a 10 stone difference.
I’ve managed to get myself out of it in a sense. The last time it was really bad I had protruding ribs, collar bones, hip bones etc well all of me really and was underweight and quite poorly when I look at myself from back then but when I take a step back and analyse I don’t think I’ve actually been “better” I’ve just binged to the point of being overweight again with intermittent periods of loosing weight fast and then gaining it again.
My relationship with food and my body is very poor I’m aware and I’m aware that I need to work on my mind to make my body better.
I’m currently on a wait list for therapy but in the meantime it feels like this is the best way to control my mind and I feel like I can’t control it.
I feel pretty angry at myself because I feel like I’m choosing to be this way. I mean I could just eat normally and not take laxatives and diet pills, problem solved! But it doesn’t work that way. It’s like it’s not me that’s choosing it but something/someone else controlling it yet I’m a reasonably minded (debatable at times) adult who should know better!
I just know I need to get on top of it before it becomes a big issue again.
I could do with loosing the weight but it’s not really about that, it’s more about feeling in control of my mind and my choices.
I suppose what I’m looking for is advice from anybody that understands that it’s not as black and white as it sounds out loud and hopefully anybody that has been in a similar position and managed to properly turn it around and learn a healthy relationship with food and their body.