C-PTSD Ruining my marriage

[Justilou1]

I don't know whether to throw this here or in relationships. I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD and ADHD. I am 49. My DH thinks he understands this because he has also suffered trauma as a kid. He doesn't seem to understand that stating that you understand something and showing it are two different things. However, I know I am also pushing him away. Partly because I feel like we are living two separate lives and partly because I feel like he lacks empathy. I have no libido - menopause hasn't helped, but I also feel panicked when he holds me. I fantasise about living alone. I have three kids that I love, I feel like I am connected to them better than he is. This week our DD was was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. He was very resistant to "Labelling her" although she was asking to find out what was wrong for a better understanding. She is 16 devastated. Last night he was angry at me and yelled at her for being bitchy for the last three days. He had been away for the previous three nights, and she had been fine. I had a three page letter from him today telling me how unhappy he is and how I blame him for everything, and how I am locked in audiobooks, etc.... I use them when I'm upset or cooking, etc. I was listening to one yesterday when I was cooking and he had to yell something at me from downstairs. Nobody was around, it's not like anyone was missing out on my company. I'm as lonely as he is. WTAF

It sounds like you are going through an immensely stressful time as a couple ...join the club! 😕 I am really sorry to hear this.
When a child receives a life effecting diagnosis (mine has too) I think parents unfortunately go through a phase of blaming themselves and /or one another. We look for traits or behaviours in each other that might in some way rationalise or explain the shock diagnosis. Try not to do this ....it’s the road to destruction and will do zilch to help your DD. You both need to reassure and support HER ...she must be feeling utterly destabilised and guilty for the family impact.Whilst I’m sure this diagnosis hasn’t exactly been a welcome for any of you, you CAN move forward positively. ADHD is highly treatable with medication and therapy. High functioning ASD need not stop your DD achieving her life goals and ambitions ...she CAN go on and learn about herself and achieve her dreams and full potential ...I hand-on-heart promise you this from experience.

Your audio books to me sound like escapism that has probably moved towards a response to stress and dissociation. People that dissociate for long periods can be really hard to connect with OP. Perhaps try going for a walk with your DD. I think you both need to try and open up to the stresses you’re going through as a couple ...away from prying ears. Issuing letters or ultimatums are crappy. Just try and support each other and your DD. There is hope and you can move forward. Contact Mind and see if there’s family support available in your area.

*walk with your DP

Thanks for your response. I definitely think my audiobooks are dissociation. We have just discussed going for walks together. He asked what he could do to help me cope - I have a huge exam to prepare for in two weeks - and I gently suggested that it was a lip service question when the house is a pig stye and he’s a big contributor to this, and yet I am blamed for the chaos. He denied this, so I took him for a walk around the house. He is now cleaning up his piles of clothes, work gear, sporting detritus, etc.

Oh well done....that’s a pretty good start OP. It is good that you see over use of the audio book is dissociation and for anyone trying to ‘get through’ to you and to manage a stressful family time it could be a bit maddening.... maybe limit it to certain clear times to enjoy. Walking is really good ...less intense than looking full on at each other for a chat. Maybe schedule some takeaways for the weekends, get your DD to cook one night (something easy) ....she’s probably feeling very perturbed right now. See if in time you can Chuck the letter away and try and talk instead. My DH and I have been through the wars and back with our 2. We have 2 serious DC diagnosis of BPD and OCD plus A levels. But you are probably stronger as a team if you can support rather than fight each other OP.

You're doing it pretty rough with your kids @Lotusmonster. I'd love some support from him, but he seems to think that words are enough. We don't even really fight - it's just cold.