Not really sure how to express all of this so it might be a bit of a ramble.
I am on the cusp of menopause and this is exacerbating everything and I believe it has sort of made the lid blow off things including how emotionally distant my mother was as a child (we are now estranged). I know I really missed out from not receiving this maternal love and she also stood by and watched my father unleash his terrible anger on us. Realising the full extent of this, I feel extremely sad and angry and let down. I have tried making excuses for my parents but now I realise that in the end they basically failed me (my siblings too who have their own issues and with whom I am low contact for various reasons). I just feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks - I've stored up so much guilt and shame over the years (and only just come to realise this) - believing if only I could be better/different I might have been loved. Now I realise it wasn't anything to do with me, it was all to do with them (my parents). Added to my self loathing, I was bullied relentlessly at secondary school - this only added to my feeling of being very wrong somehow. Now, I've come to realise I don't have much trust in people...especially women. I've struggled to work out how to function in friendships, though I have a few good friends, I fear overwhelming them with all my emotional stuff and being too needy. On the other hand I am really hopeless at asking for help.
I now have 3 dc including a pre-schooler, a teen and one in between. I feel all touched out by pre-schooler, guilty that I don't give enough time to each child. I manage best by playing with them in short bursts, reading to them or having walks. I also try to be present when they are talking to me but I have a deep feeling I am not enough.
I have been a sahm for years and worked on and off in relatively low paid jobs (admin). I have a good education but a classic underachiever for reasons probably attributed to my past life. Again there is so much anger that I seem to accept what I can get in terms of work which invariably ends in dead end jobs. I don't have to work currently as finances are okay, I also have anxiety (and now most likely depression). I may also have PTSD. But I would like to do something for my own self esteem, with a view to exploring my identity (tricky in light of the above).
Fortunately, my husband has private health insurance and I am currently waiting for a consultation with a psychiatrist. I feel like I want to tell my story and work through issues (I'm hoping I am going to be assigned a therapist). I get the feeling things are going to get worse before they get better. Just feeling really lost and alone because it is difficult for anyone to relate to not having extended family in their lives/parents who didn't love them.