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Just need someone to talk to...

24 replies

shiningcuckoo · 30/04/2021 08:14

I am struggling so much right now. I really want to talk to someone but I just can't. Feels like there is a big solid ball sitting in my chest.
I have a very difficult relationship with my ex - would love to have nothing to do with him but we have children together. He left me 5 years ago. Classic script - he claimed to be so unhappy, all down to me , blah blah blah. Then hey presto, a new woman. I have been super proactive on changing my life and moving on. He continues to be horrible. Then 3 years ago my mum died very suddenly. My Dad died a few years before snd i am an only child. I am still reeling from this and still struggle with grief. Mum lived a very long way from me and I had a terribly difficult few weeks of organizing her funeral, tying up her affairs and so on. On the day of her funeral my lawyer called me to say that my ex was going for full custody of my children. I had to fight tooth and nail before flying back home to disabuse him of his belief that he might get somewhere with this. I wasn't out of the country for long - just 4 weeks all up. Later that year I got very sick. Turns out I had double pneumonia. During treatment it was discovered I had a lung tumour. This was removed - the surgery was major and I lost half of a lung. I I have scar the length of my back. After recovering my work started to go well and I was promoted with a small pay rise. My ex then decided to go part time - he lives in a 2 income with his girlfriend- and even though the kids are with me half the time, I have to pay him child support. He buys them nothing. Not shoes or uniforms Nothing. It's all something of a struggle.
Last month I was diagnosed with a new tumour and will need more surgery. I have not told my ex as last time he was so awful about it. He told me it was my own doing that caused the cancer. I haven't yet decided what to do with the kids when I'm in hospital this time.
Quite stressed by holding it together. Just. About a month ago I was burgled. One of the missing things was my sons laptop. This had been a birthday present from my ex to my son - not really a luxury but needed for school. I bought one for my daughter. Once the insurance was settled I went to buy him a new one. I couldn't get a direct replacement so I bought what I could for the same value, although I also got product care on it, so ended up paying more.
Today I got a nasty text from the ex going on about how I had spent less on the replacement than he had on the original and accusing me of stealing from my son. He had obviously looked at something cheaper by the same manufacturer. I lost it. I sent him a photo of my receipt and of the receipt for my sons original laptop that my son had sent me. I usually stay calm with him. But this time I ended the message by telling him to go and fuck himself. And then a message saying I was waiting for an apology I am still disproportionately angry and upset. I have sat here for a while and can think of no one to talk to. I have a hard ball of raw fury inside of me. Is anyone happy to talk to me?

OP posts:
Dollsandfoo · 30/04/2021 08:36

So sorry you having such an awful time. I can't even imagine how hard it must be going though all of that on your own. Have you a friend you could talk to I know its hard but just saying it to someone some times really does help. You sound so brave to be dealing with it all id be an absolute mess if I was going through all of that. Sending lots of love xx

shiningcuckoo · 30/04/2021 08:47

Thank you dolls. I think I have friends but sometimes I really doubt myself. I just can't get the words out. I had a biopsy under CT scan yesterday and couldn't bring myself to ask anyone to come and collect me. I told the staff that I had someone waiting for me downstairs, who would stay the night with me. I am a well spoken friendly person. Why would I lie? But I did. I left the hospital and drove myself home and have been on my own ever since.

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 30/04/2021 14:47

@shiningcuckoo if you were someone I knew I would happily come and spend time with you. Hope you have people you can reach out too.

Try not engaging with your ex. I know how hard that is. The less headspace you give Him the better. He does not deserve any of your time or energy. Are the children of an age that what they want is also considered. Have you reviewed theCMS payments?

You are dealing with an awful lot. Please look after yourself.

shiningcuckoo · 30/04/2021 15:25

I try not to engage with him. Today I just snapped. I'd only just got out of hospital and received this email. I don't think I'll have any joy with CS. I live in a country where the rules are hard and fast. I don't know if I have anyone to turn to. Understandably everyone I know is very engrossed in their own lives I have tried to call a couple of people today but no one picks up. And I sent a message to an old friend a little while ago to try and open a conversation about how I was struggling who told me that her New Years resolution was not to be leaned on by others. I had never mentioned anything before but immediately apologised and back pedalked. I think I am so worried now about imposing on anyone that I have the habit of just keeping my mouth shut.

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 30/04/2021 15:40

Are there any support organisations you can contact like macmillian? I'm sorry your friends aren't supportive. Hope you have something nice to look forward to this weekend. My turn too is always food. Which has the obvious knock on affect. But right now it brings me joy and comfort.

Cissyandflora · 30/04/2021 15:43

Don’t apologise for needing people to talk to. It’s very healthy. Keep talking on here until you can get more support in real life. Have you got a therapist you can talk to? I am really lucky and I have someone who is linked to a children’s charity. I get an hour a week if I need it. You really need to look at how you can get more support. Awful that you have to pay support to someone who is not paying his way himself. And horrible about the burglary and the subsequent lap top issue. That’s horrible for your son too. You really have so much to deal with and I’m so sorry. I’m here if you just want to keep talking.

MellowMelly · 30/04/2021 15:46

You can talk to me too op. It all sounds incredibly hard for you. It really does help to talk and I also know what it’s like when you just need to reach out and there’s not always someone there.

DShrute · 30/04/2021 15:48

Can you contact the Samaritans, op? I know they are in the uk but they might really help , they have lots of ways you can contact them and they might give you some contacts for where you are. You can do this online. Samaritans.org. You are going through too much to hold it all in, I hope they help. X

Cissyandflora · 01/05/2021 05:23

How are you doing OP? Did you find some support?

shiningcuckoo · 01/05/2021 07:40

No, not today. I have messaged a friend though who has been amazing in the past. I'm hoping she might call me back tonight.

OP posts:
Cissyandflora · 01/05/2021 16:13

You can also call the Samaritans and talk to someone. They are not only for people feeling suicidal. I know sometimes it’s really hard when you can’t find someone to talk you and it feels desperate. Try to take care of yourself. Even simple things like having a bubble bath and watching some TV.

Cissyandflora · 02/05/2021 12:54

How are you doing today op? Have you got the children with you for the weekend? I hope you’re able to relax and to find people to talk to. Take good care of yourself.

shiningcuckoo · 03/05/2021 16:23

Thank you Cissy. Honestly, I am feeling very low today. The kids are with their Dad as I have to go away for work tomorrow. My friend didn't call me back. Lots of stuff has gone wrong at work today and I feel pretty betrayed by some colleagues. But thank you for asking.

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 03/05/2021 17:28

I'm sorry that you are struggling today. Is there one nice thing you can do for yourself? A glass of chilled wine? Usual MN suggestions I know. Not helpful I know but a bit of self care goes a long way.

Cissyandflora · 03/05/2021 19:41

If you just want to talk here then I’m here to listen.

As poster above said- it always sounds so cliched but self care can make a big difference to your day. My own choice is a hot bubble bath and a nice drink.

What happened at work that made you feel worse?

shiningcuckoo · 06/05/2021 10:05

Oh just my boss being a bit of a critical dick. I have approached the cancer society for help. They are going to set me up with a counselor. Because I had treatment a couple of years ago I have no sick leave left. Super stressed about that.

OP posts:
gonnabeok · 06/05/2021 10:14

OP, I just wanted to send you some support today and let you know you are not alone. Don't waste any energy on your idiot ex - he sounds like a control freak. I have an ex that is exactly the same. We only communicate by email and I have a rule that once I've read his email I will not respond until the following day. That way if I am angry I can calm down and then have enough time to decide if it is actually worth replying to.

Use all of your energy for yourself and your children. The counsellor will be very helpful. Have a look at the app Frolo - it is for single parents who support each other. I have found it really helpful.

Can you speak to your H R department to see if there is any way you could get some leave you need?

shiningcuckoo · 06/05/2021 19:13

I am a teacher and so there is no HR department as such. I have 5 days available to me. No benefits I can claim. It's a nightmare. What if I lose my house?

OP posts:
MellowMelly · 08/05/2021 11:09

@shiningcuckoo how are you doing today?

shiningcuckoo · 08/05/2021 11:36

I've been busy working , running a course, all weekend. So very distracted. I am so embarrassed for myself that I don't seem to be able to summon a single person to either support me or to help out with my kids beyond a couple of days. I must be a terrible person to have ended up so alone

OP posts:
MellowMelly · 08/05/2021 11:55

No I don’t think it means you’re a terrible person. Sometimes other people are caught up in their own lives. I am the friend that checks in on my friends. Sometimes they are so busy that they forget to check in on me Smile

unicornsarereal72 · 08/05/2021 12:44

Not at all. I am very lucky my mums is local and is my support network I have very few friends. People I know yes. From the school run etc but I wouldn't call upon them in an emergency kinda friends.

Although when the children's father left and I was a mess. People really didn't mind me talking at them. Anyone in such a position who I know I would happily be supportive and I'm sure many are the same.

shiningcuckoo · 08/05/2021 12:46

However I believe that I am probably a terrible person unable to summon a support team. This situation is making me see this.

OP posts:
MellowMelly · 08/05/2021 16:47

@shiningcuckoo
You seem so down on yourself. I don’t think you should label yourself a terrible person. Sometimes the support we need just isn’t there when we need it. I don’t think this is a reflection upon you as a person however. I’m sure your children don’t think you are either.

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