I am struggling so much right now. I really want to talk to someone but I just can't. Feels like there is a big solid ball sitting in my chest.
I have a very difficult relationship with my ex - would love to have nothing to do with him but we have children together. He left me 5 years ago. Classic script - he claimed to be so unhappy, all down to me , blah blah blah. Then hey presto, a new woman. I have been super proactive on changing my life and moving on. He continues to be horrible. Then 3 years ago my mum died very suddenly. My Dad died a few years before snd i am an only child. I am still reeling from this and still struggle with grief. Mum lived a very long way from me and I had a terribly difficult few weeks of organizing her funeral, tying up her affairs and so on. On the day of her funeral my lawyer called me to say that my ex was going for full custody of my children. I had to fight tooth and nail before flying back home to disabuse him of his belief that he might get somewhere with this. I wasn't out of the country for long - just 4 weeks all up. Later that year I got very sick. Turns out I had double pneumonia. During treatment it was discovered I had a lung tumour. This was removed - the surgery was major and I lost half of a lung. I I have scar the length of my back. After recovering my work started to go well and I was promoted with a small pay rise. My ex then decided to go part time - he lives in a 2 income with his girlfriend- and even though the kids are with me half the time, I have to pay him child support. He buys them nothing. Not shoes or uniforms Nothing. It's all something of a struggle.
Last month I was diagnosed with a new tumour and will need more surgery. I have not told my ex as last time he was so awful about it. He told me it was my own doing that caused the cancer. I haven't yet decided what to do with the kids when I'm in hospital this time.
Quite stressed by holding it together. Just. About a month ago I was burgled. One of the missing things was my sons laptop. This had been a birthday present from my ex to my son - not really a luxury but needed for school. I bought one for my daughter. Once the insurance was settled I went to buy him a new one. I couldn't get a direct replacement so I bought what I could for the same value, although I also got product care on it, so ended up paying more.
Today I got a nasty text from the ex going on about how I had spent less on the replacement than he had on the original and accusing me of stealing from my son. He had obviously looked at something cheaper by the same manufacturer. I lost it. I sent him a photo of my receipt and of the receipt for my sons original laptop that my son had sent me. I usually stay calm with him. But this time I ended the message by telling him to go and fuck himself. And then a message saying I was waiting for an apology I am still disproportionately angry and upset. I have sat here for a while and can think of no one to talk to. I have a hard ball of raw fury inside of me. Is anyone happy to talk to me?