Just posting here after a nc because I feel like I’ve hit a new low in my MH. I have been doing cbt counselling on the nhs for 12 weeks but my anxiety has barely dissipated. I guess as part of cbt I’ve been reflecting back on my life since before I was even a teen and I realised that since I was about 9 I have variously dealt with panic disorder, OCD, eating disorders, occasional suicidal thoughts, health anxiety, social anxiety, agoraphobia and depression. I’m now almost 33 and at rock bottom. The first time I experienced panic attacks I was 9 as my arguing parents put me through witnessing almost weekly screaming rows with my dad packing his suitcase. After they finally divorced my panic spiralled, I was convinced we weren’t safe now my dad had left, I developed checking and other ocd rituals, which as an older teen turned into some self harm, restricting food, withdrawing from friends and even school for a while, getting involved in a dysfunctional sexual relationship with a much older guy. My mum left to live in another country which just made everything worse, I felt like I was just abaondoned. So at uni I began to manifest severe health anxiety that caused me to withdraw for a term and shut out all my friends. Through my 20s I turned to at different times: bulimia, anorexia, alcohol, reckless sexual encounters (2 of which led to me being drugged and assaulted in at least one of those), obsessive rituals, quitting jobs. The father of my baby then walked out on me when I was pregnant and I suffered with both pre and post natal depression, I felt like that lasted until my dd was about 4 years old. I then went through a really awful semi long term relationship which had me constantly on eggshells and stressed, culminating in three bouts of not eating or sleeping last year, and severe self esteem lows and depression as well as a horrible relapse of health anxiety which at its worst earlier this year gave me panic attacks every single day.
I feel like I have wasted so much fucking time in my life to various strategies of desperately trying to get control in my life, avoiding so many opportunities out of anxiety and depression, and I feel so angry and upset. I wish I could go back to my child self and look after her, help her cope with stress and get her some help. My problems have spiralled so bad over the years to the point where now I can barely work, I’m constantly exhausted, I have digestive and cortisol issues thanks to stress, I’m in a dead end job with few prospects after always being academic at school and wanting to achieve things when I was younger. I never really sat back before and reflected on how much time I have wasted on coping with life, not seeking help (my family don’t talk about mental illness), pretending I’m ok. I feel like it’s too late for me to achieve anything, really.
And I’m so angry. I’ve been crying all morning because I don’t know how to get better. I hate even leaving the house, I can’t be alone, I can’t even trust myself to go online because I always google symptoms. But I can’t relax either. My weight yoyos terribly, I’m always tired. I thought counselling might help me but it’s barely touched the surface, and I have a phobia of medications so I don’t want to go down that road. I think I’m just asking for a hand hold, someone to say: I’m sorry you’ve gone through this stuff. I keep everything inside and always have done, but now it’s like the floodgates have opened and I’m reflecting back on all those years and feel so upset and angry about it. Has anyone recovered from long term anxiety and stress or childhood trauma? Like, recovered where it doesn’t just rule your life most days? And if so, what helped the most?
Appreciate any responses. Thank you.