I was sexually abused by my brother when I was 6, not sure when it stopped but it was before I got my periods at 8. It stopped because I made sure I was never alone with them, hid in places and avoided them etc. He was 6 years older than me. Nothing was ever done about it and it has never been discussed – not sure if my Mum and Dad knew (or wanted to know).
For years I thought my crappy childhood hadn’t affected me – I’m been so incredibly fortunate with a good education, career and married a wonderful caring man. I’ve been lucky on those fronts.
However, my husband and I are ttc for a year and it hasn’t happened yet. I’ve been reading a lot about C-PTSD, Adverse Childhood Experiences and a link with infertility. I blame my abuser that I may be infertile (I’ve been referred to a fertility clinic but looking at an 18-month waiting list). In the meantime, my hate is becoming all-consuming (especially as they have children).
I feel like it might be helpful to my recovery to ‘mess’ with my abuser - I like the idea of unnerving them by sending them letters – short letters (along the line of - I remember. Rapist. Paedophile.) etc
I’ve been reading books (The Body Keep the Score) and understand that forgiveness is the road to healing and this hate is not helpful to me. However, it might cathartic in a way to mess with them somehow and let me move on.
Thought? Is this all wasted energy? If not suggestions welcome of other ways to 'unnerve' him that's legal of course.
Please note I’m not ready to report the abuse to the police- doubt I ever will be or see the point as it’s unlikely to lead to anything. I’m still processing the shame of the abuse and this is a long way off for me.