Not sure where to start. I have a 6m DC, and ever since he was born I feel horrible. I've never had a great relationship with my body but I loved being pregnant, pandemic aside it was great. I loved my growing body, it all felt right. Now I hate myself more than ever. I hate everything about my body, I'm still a similar weight to when I gave birth. Nothing fits, I'm still wearing the same clothes as my third trimester. It didn't even do what it was supposed to do, I had a horrendous labour and then to add insult to injury I never produced milk. All my visions of early motherhood were destroyed by not being able to breastfeed and being in incredible pain for the first 8 weeks. I couldn't even walk by myself for the first 6 weeks. I could only hold DS if someone placed him in my arms if I was sitting down.
DH will say I'm an anxious and negative person by default which is true but everything I felt before is magnified, I'm more anxious, more negative. I started to get episodes where Im like a zombie for a day. Usually after a bad night, DS isn't sleeping through but I make myself get up but I'm not able to be fun and play with my son. I meet his needs but I struggle to smile at him. For a longtime after he was born I made myself physically smile at him as I knew he needed that to bond with me. I had and still have tons of help. My DPs and DH are very hands on. But I hate it. All DS does is cry for me. I still can't play with him for very long before I get frustrated and tired.
I'm not in the U.K., my mat leave is over and I'm back at work plus there's no childcare because of COVID, I'm sharing his daytime care with my mum, but I'm working from home too.
I just want to go back to being pregnant. I wanted to be a mum so much but now I regret it everyday. Don't know how to escape these intrusive thoughts