(Long sorry)
I have realised through therapy how for many years (maybe 20) I have chosen loneliness over closeness because of the fear of loss I have experienced.
The losses I have experienced mixed with some trauma has made my self esteem suffer and it is very difficult for me to even consider getting properly close to people.
I am lucky that I have a lovely DH and a very good relationship with my DD.
But I always feel it’s hard to ask for my needs to be met (I have no voice)
And I struggle with imaginings that people think I’m weird or different. I feel that I don’t really fit in anywhere or with any particular group.
My life experiences have been so outside of the norm I just have become accustomed to assuming I’m an outsider.
Materially/externally I have worked hard to bring my whole life into a safe space, I am a teacher with good working relationships, I have friendly relationships with lots of members of my community, I take care of my body and surroundings but in terms of real satisfying connection I just can’t bring myself to show who I really am or make myself vulnerable enough to take these relationships to the next level.
If I do drop my guard ever, I’m plagued by thoughts that everyone thinks I’m weird and this makes me retreat in shame.
I have my dad and my sister but I often feel that I’m being the strong one for them and have realised that there’s no one there for me.
At work although I have a bit of a laugh and my professional relationships are good, I struggle to relax and have banter/ fun and have avoided social invitations outside of the role. Believing it to be good to distinguish between work relationships and proper personal relationships. I’m now wondering if this policy has been part of my elaborate defence mechanism.
I don’t want to carry on like this but I’m terrified to make first steps into the unknown.
Does anyone relate to this post or have any ideas?
On the surface I have lots of friends, lots of invites/ texts back and forth, no conflict in my life but I’m always keeping people at an arms length so as to avoid being vulnerable when it ends.
The list of losses I can think of:
•My mum left when I was 2 and my sister was 1 and we only saw her every fortnight for 2 hours all the way through my childhood.
•My step mother cheated on my dad with a heroin addict who was in his early 20s and lost contact with us despite living with us for 10 years.
•We moved 300 miles away from everything and one I had ever known when I was 17. Leaving my step brother behind.
•My dad had a new partner who I loved for 15 years and when he left her she severed contact despite us having all xmasses/ birthdays together for years.
• My mum died while I was 5 months pregnant with my first child.
• I became embroiled with a religious cult and lived in their communities around the world but when I moved away none of the ‘friendships’ really survived.
•I became involved in 12 step programme which was solice and I thought I had friends but again as soon as I left the people didn’t stay in touch such as it is with cults.
The traumas are also pretty heavy and include being groomed as a child, Having my boundaries pushed, being emotionally abused by my step mother, finding my mum scary (her mental health issues) and my dad (bad temper) parental drug issues, undiagnosed ADHD and all sorts of other events including a family babysitter grooming me, my step mothers dad who we visited was an abuser, one of our family friends killed two people then hung himself in a high security prison. It was A LOT.
I now find myself externally in a much safer place but internally really struggling to trust people and let them in. I’m also ashamed of the fact that I’m lonely because on the face of it I have everything going for me.
Thank you for reading. I just don’t know what to do next.