Hi
Firstly I am not suicidal. However I just don't want to be alive anymore. Over the last 18 months I have been almost continuously ill. Had to stop working because of hospital appointments and admissions. On so much medication I rattle and it doesn't keep me comfortable half the time. All I really want to do is sleep 24/7 but rarely get even 5 hours. My body hates me apparently.
Anyway waiting for results of some tests. There is a good chance that I will need at least one operation and treatment to survive if the results are positive. However I don't think I can do that. I don't think I want to do that. Just getting drugs to keep comfortable and not fighting it seems a better option. I have never been afraid of death. So suppose this seems reasonable to me.
Saying all that I would never actually commit suicide or go to dignitas because the effect on my husband and children. This does seem like a good way for me to bail out without them being more hurt than needed though. If I just tell people my illness is too far along to be treated (Which could happen depending on the results I get anyway). A family member dead early from this illness. So no one would doubt what I am thinking to say.
My question I suppose is fo people think this is logical or am I deluded and actually suicidal? I definitely don't think I am. However can't talk to anyone in real life about this. So thought why not hear what others here think my mental health is like at the moment.