How do you know if you really have poor mental health or if it is just life? Best way out of it all.

[AgainstTheCurrent]

I have been struggling a bit lately but not sure if I do have poor mental health or if it is just the stresses of life that everyone is facing and I need to just accept things are as they are.

My DH has anxiety, been on Sertraline for couple of years and he thinks I should just go and get tablets and all will be ok. I guess I struggle because his anxiety really impacted our whole family. He had massive over-reactions to tiny things, he was aggressive and we had to walk on egg shells constantly. I could tell things weren't right with him but didn't know what and things escalated until we were on brink of divorce and him losing his job. I did a mental health at work first aid course and things sort of fell into place. Got him help he needed and it has really worked for him after having increase a few times.

I don't really see that I feel the same as he did. I have a great relationship with all the family, not losing temper or nit picking or anything like that but, I have really strong palpitations and passed out a few weeks ago. Spoke to Drs and they said it is probably just stress or anxiety and that I should cut caffeine, healthy lifestyle etc. I felt like a complete fraud taking an appointment so feel really nervous now about speaking to them again.

We have had a lot going on in our life that has been stressful in last 3 years:

DH anxiety attacks, job loss due to MH
My DM passed very suddenly
Moved house
DSD (20) had DGS - very poorly, not breathing for first 21 minutes, 1 month in hospital not local which we had to travel to each day.
DGS diagnosed with genetic disorder - prognosis needing life long complex care, non verbal and unlikely to be able to gain motor skills.
Pandemic - hit us just as DGS had been back in hospital following a 3 hour seizure and complex care team unable to support so advised we would need to do more!
DSS (16) - moved in with us FT
Business that I am part owner in is really struggling, took massive financial hit and is still hit and miss if will continue.
DSD - pregnant again
DS - Gf pregnant now but on brink of being evicted. Recently diagnosed with severe anxiety, moderate depression and is under going assessment for undiagnosed ADHD (fits more in ADD)
MIL - just some crazy stuff been going on with her but that could be a thread in itself.

DH and I both work FT - every weekend we I take DSD food shopping (she has severe anxiety and PTSD since birth of LO). She is very reliant on us. We have them over every Sunday for the day and have DGS stay with us EOW to give her a break (DGS also suffers sleep disorder and is usually awake from about 1.30am but is very tired so generally just a very unhappy boy until about 5/6am when he tends to go back into a deeper sleep).

We get no help from any other family members, DSS and DSD are non contact with their mom due to alcohol and drug abuse and have just found out she is having another baby with someone. My DS's dad is and has always been a sort of fair weather parent. Ds GF, her parents kicked her out at 18 and moved to different country. She also has anxiety and has not been taking medication due to pregnancy and has been having to go to hospital 45 mins away for frequent checks on baby and nobody else can drive her there but me and DH.

I am not sleeping great, I get to sleep but then wake up and end up staying awake for hours, I have put on over a stone in weight because I just can't stop eating and my weight is really getting me down. I have palpitations (on beta blockers anyway but that is for migraines). I feel like I am trapped in my own life and don't see a way out or anything getting better any time soon. The reality is with 2 more babies on the way, I feel that there is not enough of me to go around.

DS is probably going to need counselling at some stage because the impact his mom has had and everything else going on.

Friends just say we do too much for the kids but how do you not when they are having no other support and DSD was threatening to kills herself when DGS was 6 months old.

Do you think that really it is just not a surprise that my head is a bit messed up and I keep worrying about things (I have always been a worrier). Is it just that everything seems more hopeless because we are in pandemic and normal life just needs to resume? Or should I just give in to DH and take tablets? I feel a bit like this is cheating though.

Sorry if that is just a rambled mess.

Cripes there is a lot going on isn't there? In answer to your msin question, I would say it's the stress of all the things you mention which are affecting you not that you have poor mental health. You actually come across as very strong but everybody has a breaking point.

Cripes there is a lot going on isn't there? In answer to your msin question, I would say it's the stress of all the things you mention which are affecting you not that you have poor mental health. You actually come across as very strong but everybody has a breaking point.

Hi OP, I just wanted to say that you have been through an awful lot and it’s no wonder you’re struggling with the sheer amount of things you’ve had to cope with. Just one of those would be enough to stress most people out!

I have had a similar conversation with DH, who also suffers from anxiety and depression. I haven’t taken anti-depressants, and I think the reason is similar - I think my anxiety is usually situational as well, and I get annoyed that the only solution is drugs rather than situational change. That said, I think if the situation has no end in sight, and you need something to keep you going, there’s no reason not to take them!

Have you got social work involved? Have you been assessed as a carer? You could maybe access some help through this route - a lot of stuff has been stopped for lockdown but it is starting to reopen now.

Best of luck, OP!

That is a lot going on isn't it? But help does not have to be just for poor mental health, with all that on your plate asking your gp for support would be completely reasonable, whether that is medication or therapy to help you cope with it all. You can't help everyone else without looking after yourself.

Thanks for the replies, I am probably giving too much headspace to my mental health and how I am feeling really.

Firststariseetonight I did speak to the GP when I passed out the one night when my palpations were bad but I had had a migraine as well, he sent me a text leaflet on palpitations due to stress so I think unless I ask for tablets they haven't really got the services to offer much else at our surgery at the moment and I feel a bit of a fraud I suppose .

Have you got social work involved? Have you been assessed as a carer? No, DSD is carer to DGS and doesn't live with us, just in bubble, no social worker involved. Complex care team who were supporting just asked DSD if I can do more as they are understaffed and restricted services.

Its probably not helping just the thought of two more babies when neither couple are in a great place. Poor DSS is not in a great place, feel like I have done such a crap job or they wouldn't all be in such a mess.

No, DSD is carer to DGS and doesn't live with us, just in bubble, no social worker involved. Complex care team who were supporting just asked DSD if I can do more as they are understaffed and restricted services.

If that's the case, I would be suggesting that DSD contacts social care herself - they support adults as well, and the fact that she was having suicidal thoughts means that they should come out to see her and help her. I am surprised that there isn't a social worker involved with a baby with such high needs - children's services usually support children in this situation, and can be the key to accessing respite care, advising about school and helping to plan for adult life (I know that's a long way away!). If DSD was getting a bit more structured help, it would ease the burden on you a bit. You can refer on her behalf if you like - folk do it all the time. I know social work gets a bad rep, but it is absolutely not about taking babies away from their parents. It is there to support families, and there really is help available. There are a few options - one is that they would get something like family and household support involved, and they can do stuff like help organise shopping, make sure DSD is getting any benefits she's entitled to, teach life skills like budgeting, debt management, cleaning, cooking, parenting etc, take her along to social stuff like baby classes and more that I can't remember right now. Another option is that she might be eligible for a direct payment - that's a sum of money to be spent in a specific way. Some people spend it on care, some can use it for encouraging social activity and making sure the person doesn't get lonely and isolated. I know of occasions when a direct payment has been authorised to pay for a gym membership, or for a club of some sort, or for a cleaner. Social work will explain what it can and can't be spent on. The social worker will talk to DSD about her situation and the baby's, and they'll work out a plan together. As your grandson gets older he will definitely be eligible for a lot of help from social services, so they should get into the system now.

I've just reread your OP and actually social work would also help with your DSS. I genuinely think you should give it a try - there is help available and it might take a while to access, but it's definitely worth doing.

All of that sounds very stressful. Stress will come out in physical ways. Migraines, aches, insomnia, adrenaline, then that leads to a 'state' of anxiety, and (IME) depression follows anxiety because (IMO) the anxiety/depression cycle is an adjustment reaction. If you are aware and taking conscious steps to reduce the stress and process whats going on there's no reason why you couldn't cope, but honestly I have a very high stress tolerance and would want to have some stress relief and know there was an end in sight in your shoes.