Hello,
Looking for a hand hold please - today is my first day of sertraline. It's taken me a long time to get to this stage, and I'm nervous about what's ahead.
We went through 5 years of IVF before we had our DS in Jan 2020. Obviously lots of heartache throughout those 5 years. I didn't enjoy pregnancy one bit - my anxiety levels went through the roof and I was convinced something would go wrong.
My anxiety alleviated a little when DS was born, but for the past 3-4 months I have worked myself up into such a state that I have totally convinced myself he has autism. He's 15 months and doesn't say any words yet, and only sporadically points (although not to communicate). I feel like we are being punished for not being able to have children naturally, so he is obviously autistic as penance for going with science rather than accepting we would never be parents the normal way.
I have days where the rational side of my brain takes over, and I feel completely normal. But I keep falling down into these horrific holes that I really struggle to get out of. I kept on telling myself I was fine until one particularly bad episode a few weeks ago where I absolutely thought that taking my own life was a logical thing to do. I was calm, measured, checked my life insurance to make sure it would pay out and that my husband and DS would be able to start a new life without any money worries. It scared me so much that I made an appointment with the GP the next day.
So, here I am. Day one. I am desperate to feel myself again, I hate how my brain has tricked me into looking for the smallest of things, I hate how much I dread waking up in the morning. I just want to enjoy my little family.
Hope you're all ok.