I can't cope with this again

[HongkongphooeyNo1]

My DSD has anorexia and I feel like an awful person but I can't go through this again.

She has had this condition for over 5 years now and is in her late 20s. First major decline was when I was pregnant with our second child (she was 23 at the time). She got so ill that she was admitted through A&E for heart issues and was down to 5 stone. We all supported her 100% and she got into a treatment programme and seemed to be recovering. We offered family counselling but she didn't want to do that.

Unfortunately covid has hit her really hard and its reared its head again. This time they are looking at sectioning her as her weight loss is very serious.

She will never be able to live alone as she cannot self regulate. She has few friends and has never been in a relationship. I feel desperately sorry but I also find myself feeling really angry with her. What I'm about to say is probably really awful and makes me a bad person but I can't say it anywhere else.

I feel like she uses her illness to control and punish those around her. There I said it. I know its an illness and its probably not true but its how I feel.

Last time it coincided with me being pregnant. This time her younger sibling is about to graduate from Uni with a fantastic degree. Everytime she has an episode it seems to be around the life event of someone else. I'm sure its bound up with self esteem issues but it's horrible for everyone around her as it feels like she is holding a gun to our heads.

Her dad understandably gets upset because he thinks she is going to die, which impacts on our young children,. Her sibling gets angry and basically is fed up of playing second fiddle. I think her mum has checked out as she is struggling with her own MH issues.

I feel like an awful person writing this but its how I feel. My sympathy is running low as we can't keep putting ourselves through this mental torture of will she or won't she kill herself.

I feel like a really bad person now.

You are not a bad person. You are dealing with one of the most complex mental health difficulties and that IS hard. It is very difficult to watch someone go through that. It's like living on the edge, not knowing what will happen next.
My twin sister had anorexia and it was one of the most frustrating, upsetting, powerless and painful thing that happened to our family. Frustrating sounds mean, but more that she was so fixated, wouldn't see reality...there was no getting through to her and painful because of the weight loss and watching her deteriorate. Look at Nikki Grahame.
I read someone it has the highest mortality rate.
It got to the point at uni I lost my temper with her and said she needed to eat. I didn't know how to handle.it, it didn't help.
She waited a year (!)for apparent urgent help and saw a therapist weekly. She said they nearly discharged her as she wasn't making progress...she had to want to do it...which does sound harsh, like it's a choice...but a year in she finally opened up about traumas and was able to sustain a healthy weight..she says the thoughts will never go away, but she couldn't carry on like that and wanted to have a family etc.
For my sister the trigger was our mum dying and no one talking about it. She is much more stable now and even has a baby boy and says now it was about control, wanting people to.notice her and remain child like as to be looked after, which we did not really have. What was your DSDs childhood like? Is she interested in having a family, does she work?

'I feel like she uses her illness to control and punish those around her.' That isn't a terrible thing to say, it's an insightful one. Unfortunately the controlling aspect of her condition is also a direct inner punishment against herself as well, but it will definitely also exist to keep those around her on edge, which your post is eloquently revealing. Whether or not she is conscious of that only she will know. I'm so sorry to read your post, but everything you wrote sounds completely reasonable and valid. You can only give what you have to give, you need to decide where your boundaries are. Whether or not she destroys herself is ultimately up to her. I really hope that she gets some effective treatment and I hope that all of you who are with her in this can give yourselves space and compassion.

You are not a bad person.Ive been hospitalized in my 20s and suffered again since.Im sure your dsd isnt doing this to piss you off more than likely it is to fullfill feelings of inadequacy in herself.Feelings of not being good enough and this is one thing she is good at.
I can understand your frustration at being helpless and I don't know how I would cope with that.Anorexia is a complex illness and it must be very hard for you all.

Thank you so much everyone. You have been really kind

This point really stood out for me:

it was about control, wanting people to.notice her and remain child like as to be looked after

The child like aspect really resonated with me. I actually told DH how I was feeling and read him some of your posts. It helped us to talk about everything and was really good. We both think she is almost scared of growing up and is trying to stop the clock, it's so obvious in her behaviour now we look at it in that way. The penny really dropped. She is always trying to go back to almost being a teenager in how she is treated by everyone. Needing to be given lifts instead of driving her car, talking in a strange baby voice, dressing very young. Its so sad because she is missing out on so much in life.

That is incredibly sad. It is such a cage to live in. I wonder if perhaps knowing that this is about her needing to find a way to mature and grow and also understanding that she is the only way who can walk that path for herself will help to take some of the burden of responsibility from you all? Of course you will worry still but having the understanding to know that this is about her healing herself and that you can walk alongside her but nobody can do the work but her. Good luck OP. Thank you for your honesty.

Louis Theroux interviewed an older woman in his documentary who had lived with Anorexia for many years and she was extremely honest about manipulation and control. If you haven’t already, watch it.

You say ’I feel like she uses her illness to control and punish those around her. There I said it. I know its an illness and its probably not true but its how I feel.’
This is not a bad thing to say. There may be a great deal of truth in it.

it was about control, wanting people to.notice her and remain child like as to be looked after

This is exactly what the woman in the LT doc said! She said she just could not cope with growing up and the responsibilities of life and if she remained ill she knew people would always have to look after her.
It’s heartbreaking.

OP I'm glad it has been helpful.
I remember watching a programme on mental health, a Stacey Dooley one I think. There was a girl mid to late 20s and she had anorexia. The image that always stays with me was her cuddling a teddy bear like a little lost child. It was like she just wanted to be looked after. I think the child aspect of it should be investigated more with anorexia. I also think with Nikki Grahame, she was a bit child like in ways, tantrums and also speaking in a baby voice. That is not meant to sound mean, I wonder if there's been issues with attachment early on with some of these women. It does sound like your dsd has similar issues. My sister would also seek out a mother figure wherever she went and people did look after her, she also looked young due to the anorexia, so it only fuelled it.
How is she at the moment?

I also think with Nikki Grahame, she was a bit child like in ways, tantrums and also speaking in a baby voice. That is not meant to sound mean

It’s not mean. She was extremely childlike. Some of the clips from BB show her flailing around like a toddler and reacting instinctively to her emotions without a second thought.
This was part of her appeal! In one way it was amusing to see a grown woman react to situations in such an extreme way without any inhibition but her behaviour was also very odd and unsettling. They can now be seen in a different light. Her MH issues have been well documented over the years since then.