PND and I have no idea what to do about it

[Miserableat430am]

It’s hard writing about this.

I am up with my four month old. This is my new getting up time and it is killing me. He may go back to sleep for a bit at around 6-7am but only on me so I won’t get to sleep.

Rather arrogantly I thought I’d be good at being a mum. I knew I wanted to breastfeed and I knew or thought I knew this would involve a certain amount of self sacrifice. In the end I couldn’t do it. I ended up expressing milk for months on end before having to give that up too.

I do love this baby but so much of the time I am finding I am am swallowing down anger which feels awful to admit feeling anger towards such a young child who is obviously not malicious in the slightest. I have thoughts that pop into my head where I imagine myself screaming at him or kicking his crib over with him in it and I don’t know where the hell they come from. Latest game is yanking my hair. Obviously it isn’t malicious. But it still bloody hurts (please don’t respond with obvious shave your hair off then type posts) Before that it was head butting.

He doesn’t sleep hardly. I don’t know what he runs on: yesterday he had less than two hours napping in the whole day broken into twenty/thirty minute naps and I have no idea what to do with him for the fourteen hours or so he is awake, especially when he’s clearly tired.

Reflux is hideous and I feel rotten for saying this but I am so so so fed up of changing his clothes and my clothes and having my hair matted with gunk. Again I get on an objective level it’s just one of those things. I try to stop myself exclaiming in despair when it happens: my own mum used to when I was sick and obviously children are unable to understand the difference between adults being upset with sick and with them. But it just adds that layer of stress.

I don’t feel I could speak to the HV or GP so no idea what to do. I felt awful when he was first born and then a bit better and now I feel rubbish again.

I have a four month old so I totally understand,

You do need to talk to your hv

I have and have had lots of support, a nurse to check in, a mums support group, therapy and drugs.

They have heard it before, won't judge and will help

You see I don’t want any of that, is the truth. In any case it probably differs from area to area. I scored really highly on the questionnaire but nothing happened and I said I was fine and I am fine I suppose. I just wish I was better at it.

Have you got a partner or family that can help? I'm going through something similar...I had it much worse with my first child...no one understood...pills were the only thing that helped and loads of rest...it was hard...please be kind to yourself...ask for help...

Not really. I do have a partner and he does help sometimes. I don’t have any family to help.

It's nothing to do with being a shit mum and everything to do with sleep deprivation. I should know, I'm 2.5 years into it.

You do need to speak to hv etc again and ask for support/mental health check.

Work on getting baby to nap well during the day, even if it is on you. Good naps during the = better sleep at night. This was the most valuable piece of info I was told. Babies do not sleep better at night if they have been up all day, it's quite the opposite.

Google fourth trimester and 4 month sleep regression.

Download the Wonder Weeks app this tell you developmental leaps and why baby may be more fussy at times.

Ultimately be kind to yourself,

And get your partner to take baby out for a long walk or dive for at least an hour so you can sleep!!

Believe me I know baby but he just won’t. I don’t know what more I can realistically do. Even long car journeys or walks in the pram don’t work. I’ve had the wonder week since he was born and never found it particularly helpful to be honest. I’m not trying to be obtuse, just explaining where I’m coming from. I know about the fourth trimester and I know about the four month sleep regression. I know all the theories but the bottom line is that I can’t get him to sleep or stay asleep and so he doesn’t even come close to the recommended sleep amounts I realise that is my fault but I don’t know what to do about it!

Is it just reflux? It is it something else such as CMPA?
It does get easier as they get a little older. I’m a big fan of pushing them out in the pram as they usually sleep and it gives me a break even though I’m pushing.

Just read your update. It’s not your fault that he won’t sleep. My eldest wouldn’t. I struggled for months it was cmpa. Constantly howling, woke me up every 45mins. Number 2 has cmpa as well but was diagnosed early she sleeps fairly well for a baby. Tonight has been a rare bad night.

I’m fairly sure he isn’t allergic to cow milk. I cut dairy out when I was still feeding him. But the reflux does bother him: lots of back arching and crying a lot of the time he’ll regurgitate milk a good two hours after a feed and it’s acidic. Horrible, and it clearly bothers him.

Have you got a sound machine?

A Dream egg travel size is cheap enough, get that going to help settle baby.

Buy an automatic pram rocker called a Rock-it and stick baby in that whilst you have a half hour doze on the sofa.

Vibrating/moving baby seat, baby is upright and secure whilst again you doze for half an hour.

Baby massage with some sleepy balm, warm bath in the evening with baby to relax.

There is NOTHING you can tell me that I haven't already gone through. Up until my child was 18 months old she woke every 45 mins every single night. Then moved to every two hours and still I am up at least 3-4 times at 2.5 years old.

You need to keep persevering and seek mental health. Take it from me it's an absolute kicker but you will get through it.

The Wonder weeks app I found great to know if my child was just being an "arsehole" (the way I coped by calling these moment this) or actually going through a leap which made it more rational and easier in my mind.

Don't drink or eat a lot of sugar/caffeine either

Look I do appreciate the advice but the baby doesn’t really nap in the pram and white noise used to help but doesn’t make much difference now. I know most babies so sleep in their prams and occasionally he will nod off and have a really good sleep but there’s no consistency to it. I had him out for hours on Saturday in the pram and he did sleep a bit but it was only a bit. Anyway look I don’t want the thread to turn into how to get him to sleep as nothing will I don’t think. It’s just to contextualise stuff. As people say to do this or that but I can’t.

If the reflux is bothering him take him to the GP and ask for something for the reflux or a referral to the hospital.
My eldest still wakes me a lot sometimes more than the baby and I’m sure it’s because of the problems when he was a baby that he missed out on learning to sleep properly.
There are quite a lot of things that can be done for reflux, medication, thicker milk or carobel thickener in milk, early weaning, positioning. If the gp won’t take you seriously try a&e.

No point honestly. They don’t take you seriously. You can’t get into the GP or get an appointment. I’ve been given two types of medication and neither work. Hopefully he’ll grow out of it.

You definitely need to get his reflux sorted. Reflux is awful as an adult, the burning pain of acid in the stomach is so uncomfortable, so it's no wonder he can't sleep. Its something that really shouldn't be left and if the gp is crap , then change to another one.

It’s really not that simple.

Sometimes it’s acidic. Otherwise it’s just milk. It’s very hard to say.

It is impossible to get an appointment and when I do they can’t get me off the phone quickly enough. In any case baby won’t take meds. And I don’t even think that’s why he doesn’t sleep. None of the things I’ve read about in here seem to apply. I’ve no confidence in the healthcare system for women or babies but that’s a whole other rant!

In the meantime I just need to survive as best I can.

I get it , I've even less faith in the medical system after over a decade of issues being ignored but sometimes they are the only way to get help. I've had to battle with them myself the last few months I've hg and how they've treated me is nothing short of neglect but I finally spoke to a lovely reg who got me sorted. Have you a walk in centre near by? Sadly sometimes you just have to keep kicking up a fuss to be heard. I hope you all get it sorted and manage to get some sleep soon.

Hey @miserableat430am you've made the first step my posting here, you know something's up and you're reaching out for help. Ive not read the full thread so I'm sorry if I'm repeating but can you speak to your partner first? Or a friend you trust?

Your are beyond sleep deprived and have gone through a massive change in your life. Having a baby is really hard going, what you expect it to be is nothing like the reality. I too am up from a terrible night with a 7 week old, I’m dreading the day ahead wondering where on earth im going to get the energy from for a day with maybe 1 or 2 30 minute naps and the rest is awake time or me fighting for her to get a nap in at some point to avoid all the crying. You really need to speak to some one, Hv or Gp because things in your day to day won’t change for a little while and your need advice and support and just some one to talk to who is going to understand where your coming from and what you are saying x

I was you with my first and his cmpa and I did find my GP and HV useless . Out of hours GP very very good. My cousin took his youngest to a&e
My second has reflux with her cmpa although her reflux isn't acidic. She is still puking frequently at 8 moths. She was referred to Paedatrics direct from the midwives. We've had dietician advice, various consultant appointments and lots of help to make sure she is ok.

We all suffered for months with DS.

I'm only giving you advice about sleep as I know how debilitating it is mentally and physically, you describe yourself as being angry etc and eating to pop. Well that's because you are sleep deprived. Everything is much harder when you don't get enough sleep and more difficult to face.

In order for things to get better you need more sleep and so does baby. You need to keep hounding the doctors for help with babys reflux and you need to ask for professional mental health advice/GP/HV and get your partner to give you a break.

Without sounding rude until you do these things, your situation will not change.

It sucks bejng a mum sometimes and is bloody hard work but you will get through it