Is this a breakdown?

[EboracumNovum]

I've suffered from depression and anxiety for years, but the last 12 months have been a whole other level of nightmare.

My dad was diagnosed 'end of life' at the beginning of the pandemic, and we made the choice to keep him at home due to visiting restrictions in care homes.

My mum is not one of life's natural carers/copers so I was initially working from home (ft) at their house for much of the time to provide support. I went back into the office part time last June and full time last September, having had a mental health crisis last August (suicidal ideation).

At the time I had just begun talking therapy and was referred on to the CMHT, but by the time they assessed me things had settled.

In October things took a turn for the worse with Dad and I was signed off with stress at the beginning of November. My employer offered me an unpaid sabbatical and I have been off work on carers allowance/universal credit since January.

My Dad is still hanging in there and the last 4 months have been horrendous due to both his and mum's increasing health and support needs. We have no other family and apart from carers twice a day to wash and change him, no other meaningful health/social care support.

My MH began to decline again a couple of months ago and I self harmed quite badly. I called GP who referred me back to talking therapy people. They assessed me and said they felt I needed more than they could offer and suggested some 'low cost' paid for therapy option. I pointed out that even that was unmanageable in my current circumstances.

I have tried to get a grip on the situation myself but I just can't do it. Dad went into a home a couple of weeks ago, but my mum needs so much support I barely have time to think of my own needs, and even when I'm not there I am constantly worried about the future. I'm also single parent to a 16yo doing GCSEs - she's fabulous, but is largely fending for herself. I have meds but I'm so all over the place all the time they often get forgotten which I know isn't helping. I desperately need to step back but I can't.

I feel so responsible for everyone and everything all the time, with a side helping of guilt and so much fear for what the future holds.

In the last couple of weeks I've been having awful anxiety, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts (mainly about suicide and self harm and some part of my brain constantly telling me how pathetic and worthless I am) , terrible brain fog, nightmares and either insomnia or sleeping excessively, plus some old OCD habits creeping back in.

I feel like I'm losing my mind but my daughter needs me and my mum can't cope with being on her own so has a meltdown if I take even one unplanned 'day off' from visiting. I'm there 5 days a week, on the other two I'm either running round like a blue arse fly catching up with my own stuff or too emotionally and physically exhausted to do anything.

I've just had a nightmare and woken up with feelings of dissociation and anxiety and feel so scared.

I think I need a 'time out' but can't see how I can take a break. There doesn't seem any point going to the GP as it's clear from previous recent experience that I'll I won't be offered any help. I'm also 45 with an underactive thyroid (recently tested) and one ovary so it's a dead cert that all of this will be chalked up to hormones anyway.

I'd give anything to be admitted somewhere I can just focus on myself for a couple of weeks but obviously that's not going to happen either and I can't just opt out of my commitments to my mum and daughter.

I don't even know what I want to get out of posting here...I guess advice as to how to fix myself if anyone has been through something similar and managed to come out the other side.

If it wasn't for my daughter I'm not sure I'd be trying to come out of the other side, but I have to for her sake.

It must be incredibly hard to be dealing with so many big issues and caring responsibilities all at once with no support. You must be exhausted.

If you need to talk to someone, bear Samaritans in mind. You can call them or email if you prefer to get it down in writing.

Is there anyone, anyone at all, who could take over with your mum for a few days? Does she need physical help or is it emotional support?

Thanks @Darker

It's more emotional support. She likes her own space but hates being alone in it if that makes sense, and of course is dealing with all sorts of feelings about my dad. She has some kind of adult separation anxiety based on experience when she was a child/teen which has obviously been triggered. If I don't fall in with her expectations re visiting there are tears, tantrums and threats. I do stand up to her on occasion, and have told her about my previous MH issues but she just turns it back on herself.

There is no-one else. I'm an only child and we've no extended family close enough to help. She has two friends locally (at 81 a lot of her friends have passed away) but they work and/or have family commitments of their own. I have debated asking if they could visit for a 'garden coffee' but don't really feel it's fair with the current Covid situation to put them in the position of saying no. My best mate would pop in, although she's self employed and although she's known my mum almost as long as me she's running low on patience because she can see how I've been affected by her behaviour over the last year (obviously a lot of it is entirely justified, it's been shit for both of us, I just wish she'd acknowledge that rather than obsessing about it all from her pov).

There's also a companion carer who comes once a week, but that's a whole other story. She won't entertain having anyone else on other days and he doesn't have any availability (and it really wouldn't be a good idea as she's rather too invested in him imho).

I'm terrified that if I insist on taking time out she will bring my dad back from the home because she doesn't want to be on her own. He's 83, bedridden, doubly incontinent, partially sighted with eating, drinking and speech difficulties, intermittent pain, confusion and delirium.

I cannot go back to caring for them both again.

It's like walking a tightrope over a pit of crocodiles.

Contact social services about your mum. You're not in a position to care for her, they need to do it. If you want to be involved with some of her care then you need a carer's assessment, which is a social services assessment for you to ascertain your needs and get you the help you need to remain able to care for your mum. The carer's assessment is separate from your mum's assessment of her needs. You need to sort this. If you fall apart what happens to your 16yr old? Does she get put into care? That'll cost them more than helping you and your mum. Speak to your GP again. They can record your deterioration if nothing else. Maybe they can refer you to SS? Or provide evidence for your assessment? Talk to Age Concern about various forms of help for your mum. Other charities etc who could help her. You need to offload some of the work you're doing for her. You should probably be referred to CMHT again for yourself. The people GP put you onto should have sent a discharge letter to your GP stating your needs are too complex for their services, which will help your argument for a referral to CMHT.

If I don't fall in with her expectations re visiting there are tears, tantrums and threats. I do stand up to her on occasion, and have told her about my previous MH issues

This is toxic and you need to protect yourself. Everyone you speak to about your mental health and caring responsibilities and your mum's needs, needs to be told about this.

The GP has contacted social services previously...they called to say we 'weren't in their remit'.

Same story with local hospice for Dad - they've rejected 2 GP referrals on the grounds he 'doesn't have specialist palliative care needs' , which is why he really needs to stay in the care home. If he comes back and deteriorates further we have to rely on calling someone out for injectable meds which can take hours, or in most cases they just tell us to give him more oramorph.

I can't even remember if I had a letter summing up from the recent talking therapies contact. I was so pissed off I think I may have binned it without opening tbh.

Could I call the CMHT directly do you think?

@AmberItsACertainty

If I don't fall in with her expectations re visiting there are tears, tantrums and threats. I do stand up to her on occasion, and have told her about my previous MH issues

This is toxic and you need to protect yourself. Everyone you speak to about your mental health and caring responsibilities and your mum's needs, needs to be told about this.

I've been telling the agencies involved for months...since before Christmas.

The agency carers have seen how bad it is...mum unable to cope, me breaking down.

I don't know if it's because of Covid but no-one is interested.

She won't entertain having anyone else on other days

Then she fends for herself. She doesn't get to tell you that nobody else can help her except you, that's toxic behaviour, emotional blackmail. It's really the other way around. You tell her what you're willing and able to do, and refuse to do anything you're not willing and able to do. If she refuses to accept and allow other care that's put in place, that's her choice and she can live with the consequences.

He's 83, bedridden, doubly incontinent, partially sighted with eating, drinking and speech difficulties, intermittent pain, confusion and delirium. I cannot go back to caring for them both again.

You make sure you tell absolutely everyone involved with his care and yours that you're no longer willing or able to be his carer at all whatsoever, and feel blackmailed by the threat of it into doing whatever your mum wants. Don't rely on your mum to tell them you're not his carer, she sounds like she'd lie to get her own way. The GP (yours and dad's), care home, social workers. Tell everyone. Your mum's behaviour is dispicable. I think you'd really benefit from nit being her carer at all and reducing the contact you have with her to a minimum that you're able to properly cope with. She's making you ill.

I started the year quite well, managed to ring fence some time for myself and felt I had a handle on things although it was full on.

Everything has slipped massively though.

I know what I need/should be doing...I just don't have the energy/bandwidth to put it into action.

I just need a week or two to focus on myself and getting back on track with my meds and building in some self-care tactics and I think I can get back on track.

It's how to go about getting that time before I crash completely. It sounds ridiculously OTT but I am genuinely scared that this level of stress will kill me.

The brain fog is terrifying. When I woke up a couple of hours ago from a nightmare I could barely remember my own name for a few seconds.

I was laying here in bed mentally reciting names/birthdates/addresses etc of everyone in my family to check I hadn't completely lost it.

That can't be normal.

I've taken a diazepam which has helped slightly, and writing is good, but as soon as I stop it's like my brain is full of wriggling maggots.

I'm just managing to function during the day because I have to but I feel like it's a shell of myself going through the motions while the real me watches and waits for me to fuck it up and give the game away that I'm not coping.

Does that make sense?

*I've been telling the agencies involved for months...since before Christmas.

The agency carers have seen how bad it is...mum unable to cope, me breaking down.

I don't know if it's because of Covid but no-one is interested.*

It's not covid, it's money. Whilst someone's needs are being met SS don't have a duty to care for them. They do have a duty to care for you by providing a carer's assessment and whatever help you need. But again, money, they're not going to offer it you'll have to insist. A carers assessment is your legal right.

This will sound harsh but if you can't fight for help, and I can see how that might be impossible right now, then one of two things is going to happen.

1. Either you're going to have a full on breakdown which will take months or years to recover from, if you ever do recover completely that is. And then SS will have to look after your mum.

2. You step back now, stop being mum's carer, let whatever happens happen. Call police for a welfare check on her if you need to (they can take her to hospital or refer to SS). Stop contact with mum temporarily (or permanently if you wish) if she tries her manipulative tactics of tantrums etc. Focus on your own health, get the help you need from GP/CMHT for you to get better, claim ESA while you're ill. And SS will have to look after your mum.

Can you see the difference? No difference for SS, except a bit of money, and they'll happily destroy you to avoid paying out for another few months. No difference for mum. All the difference in the world for you. There's really no choice here. You have to put yourself and DD first.

Sorry I missed the bit about agency carers. They are powerless. They're paid to provide a service, by SS, they can't do anything about getting more care either of you. It's SS and GP you need to tell. And not "I'm going to fall apart/I'm falling apart". You tell them you've fallen apart and will no longer be providing any care with immediate effect. You don't even need to have fallen apart, you could just not want to do it, that's your legal right.

Focus on one thing today. What are your plans? Is your mum expecting to see you?

If she is, phone in ‘sick’. Say you are spending the day at home as you are not feeling well and that you are switching your phone off. Give her the number for Samaritans if she says she can’t cope emotionally.

I will look into the SS carer assessment. I think it was because dad is getting end of life funding for his care they wouldn't get involved. I didn't know I could ask for help on that front for me.

My mum isn't all bad, but the combination of her issues and mine and having no other family support is breaking me. It's been slightly better since Dad has been in the home, but I think that's just allowed a lot of stuff I've been suppressing to float to the surface.

And there's still all the future stuff that's frightening the life out of me.

My daughter is amazing but when I'm home she needs my attention and because it's been the school holidays I've just been ping-ponging between her and mum.

She sees her dad a couple of times a week but their relationship is shaky. She doesn't do overnights and having just got herself a job and with him having some temporary commitments she's likely to only be seeing him on an ad hoc basis, if at all for the next few weeks at least.

I've been dealing with my MH for years...I have all the bloody apps, self help tactics, aromatherapy, rescue remedy, proper meds (I've even bought some CBD gummies but been too nervous to try them!)...what I'm lacking is time and headspace.

I know I have to step back...I just don't know quite how to do it, but I'll try and set some time aside today to make a plan.

To your last post, it makes perfect sense. You need more help than occasional diazepam. Get your meds reassessed with an emergency GP apt. Diazepam for top up, something more long term for day to day. Get referral to CMHT, should be urgent referral, matter of weeks. Make sure you confess to GP and CMHT about the self harm and impact on your career. If you can't get sufficient help from GP go to A&E, ask to see duty psychiatrist and confess all. Don't sugar coat it.

Contact the low cost counseling services and find out how much it is for you. It'll be a sliding scale based on your income. Try to make it happen one apt per week if you possibly can. Even if you just managed a few months to get through this difficult time. Without the caring roles you should hopefully start to recover. Then if you're on a waiting list for therapy through CMHT that's not so bad if you're past the worst.

There is no way to do this nicely for your mum. You've reached a situation where it's you or her, and you have a DD so you have to save yourself. Withdraw your support and so it now. SS will not step in until she has insufficient support for her needs.

If you tell them you're withdrawing support next week they'll do absolutely nothing until next week. You won't be giving them time to set something up, they'll not be setting anything up until there's insufficient support. All the time your mum has support from you her needs are being met, box ticked, job done, no need for SS involvement.

I'm not due to see mum today (it hasn't helped that since dad has been in the home she's had unavoidable appointments on my days off, I've had a couple of domestic disasters and some physical health issues that needed looking into).

I'm taking DD to buy new glasses then my best mate and I are off to the garden centre.

I have a bonus day off this week so will actually get two days together and have an excuse to do nothing on one of them as I'm having an eye procedure (double dilation so planning to spend the rest of the day on the sofa with the cats and an audiobook).

So at least that's something ...

*withdraw your support and do it now

sorry typo in the post above

Yes self care, that's what you need. I'm glad you feel able to do those things.

I've doubled my Cipramil recently which helped but the last couple of weeks have been so crazy I've lapsed with taking them regularly which is stupid.

I really struggle to stay in a routine with that kind of thing when I'm stressed which obviously makes things worse but then it almost becomes a kind of self harm to not take them...like I feel 'what's the point' or that I don't deserve to feel better because I'm so weak and pathetic.

And I know rationally that's not really the case but...I just seem to get a mental block.

💐🍰🫕
Plus internet hugs

Ok so you have some coping strategies and self help, that's good. Perhaps you don't need CMHT then just time and space? I'm not so sure though if the other service said they're not enough for your needs. That to me says you need the next level up. Sounds like under normal circumstances you can manage your own health, parenting and career, but you just can't take on the extra pressure of being a carer.

Don't know where you live so laws might be different, it's possible you can self refer back to CMHT if you were under their care within the last 3 years and they'd have to give you the level of support you had when you left.

NHS is probably paying for your dad's care, so he's not a SS issue then. But you are because you're a carer and your mum is because she has needs that won't be met if you stop being her carer.

Try not to panic about the brain fog. Just think of what you do know and start from there. Don't know your name? Never mind, do you know where you are? Can you find out what day/time it is? Can you call a friend? Just ideas. Give yourself a place to start from and the rest will come back in time, I expect.

Yeah I think it is time and space really.

I have my bonus day and DD back at school this week.

Going to take some time over the next couple of days to devise some sort of self-care programme, and try to get it into my head that I can still give mum some support without putting her needs before my own all the bloody time.

It's been really helpful to get things out of my system on here...going yo try and get another couple of hours sleep now

Can you put a trigger warning on your title because I've only just lost a family member to suicide?