Traumatised by breastfeeding

[BethGibbs20]

Hello, looking for some advice on a way forward and to see if any women have had similar experiences.

I had my first child in 2020, he was born via planned cesarean as he was breached, this all went smoothly and he was born by 10am.

I had mentioned to the midwives I would like to breastfeed and didn't expect it to be so hard! Firstly, I was never told in my midwife appointments about colostrum, due to lockdown a lot of appointments were cancelled and only the urgent ones went ahead and she never mentioned it, being my first baby I didn't know to ask either.

Anyway, I spent the entire day trying to hand pump my breast to get things going, multiple midwives continued to hand pump me and my partner...this went on all day, afternoon and night- bearing I mind I was on morphine and exhausted and also struggling with that my baby was NOT latching whatsoever.

By about 2 am, still trying to get baby to latch and exhausted of midwives "milking" me I needed a wee, so slowly got out of my bed which did take a few minutes, with that a student midwife has burst into my room and told me off as my baby is crying, poor baby was tired and hungry to as I was struggling to get a lot of colostrum and he wasn't latching- anyway, she forcefully grabbed my breast and begun trying to pump me and force my nipple into my babys mouth, she soon left and I just burst into tears absolutely hysterical, to which another midwife came in and tried to comfort me so I explained I was so exhausted and my baby wasn't latching, so she continued to try and make baby latch. It was honestly not how I imagined my first night with my baby to be, I felt like a cow on a milk farm, when I asked for my baby to have a top up feed I was told we would undo all of our hardwork, but I eventually said we have to give him formula as it just wasn't happening.

I was then swamped by lactation specialists and the following day was a similar theme. I decided to pump milk with an electric pump at home and everytime I.got the pump out a wave of negative feeling would come over me and was so intense, it would go the moment I stopped pumping.

I managed to keep it up for about 5 months but felt so low everytime and now 10 months on I feel repulsed whenever my partner tries to touch my breast, it makes me feel sick and I feel almost traumatised about them and never want to think about breastfeeding again! I just felt that the midwives really didn't care for my wellbeing and I look back on the 1st night with my baby and am really sad! Has anyone else had a similar situation and how did you overcome it xx

It sounds like you had/have some breastfeeding aversion:
kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/breastfeeding-nursing-aversion-agitation-baa/

I had this too, although it didn't develop until later on. I think it started when my periods returned.

I'm sorry you didn't have a good experience in hospital. However I don't understand why you didn't do any reading about breastfeeding antenatally? Did you do antenatal classes? It's usually covered in those because the more awareness and understanding you have the more prepared you are. Breastfeeding is hard for some women yes. It is difficult when you are tired and in pain and baby won't latch easily. But understanding the physiology probably would have helped your expectations.

I’m so sorry. It sounds like you had the most awful experience. This is why consent is so important and it often seems to go out of the window with birthing/postpartum women. In any other setting this what you describe would be classed as an assault. I remember being alarmed at a midwife milking me as I had no expectation of it. I have really negative feelings when I think about the 1st week of trying to breastfeed (I was in hospital) but I think I was lucky in that I did see a helpful lactation consultant in the end. It’s totally incredible that you managed to pump/feed for that long. Have you heard of D-MER? It’s a feeling of fear/depression upon milk let down. It could be that that exacerbated your negative feelings. I can only advise counselling. I had a much more positive experience the 2nd time round because I was armed with a bit more knowledge so there is hope to overcome a negative 1st experience.

However I don't understand why you didn't do any reading about breastfeeding antenatally?

That's really fucking helpful.

OP I don't think your expectations of having support were unrealistic, but unfortunately there is a reason this country has terrible breastfeeding rates, and antenatal care is the big one. It sounds like you did amazing to push through, and must have been really challenging. You probably would benefit from talking it through, would you feel comfortable talking to your HV or GP?

Also grabbing your breast without consent is abuse, and I would report it to PALS. Midwives are notoriously crap, but that's absolutely outrageous and no wonder you have developed an aversion.

This sounds like a terrible experience and I'm so sorry you've been through that.

If you want to work through the experience I would probably recommend contacting an IBCLC for a debrief and some counselling on the topic. Despite their job title they won't be trying to convince you of the benefits of breastfeeding but should be able to help you unpack your experience and therefore process it better. That will then help if you decide to have any more DC and need to make a decision about how to feed them. Or maybe just reclaim your body!

There is also a good book about breastfeeding grief and trauma although I don't know whether that's more about feelings relating to not being able to do it.

It's definitely not your fault for not reading up about it in advance! The vast majority of people don't do this, I think it's more unusual to do so.

Whitebricks - Thanks for your response however not entirely helpful, it's all good and well to mention you should have done this and I can't understand why you didn't- but they aren't particularly helpful comments are they. I have posted for support and help. I did not go to antenatal classes because there was a global pandemic and these were cancelled. I did read the baby books and I did look into breastfeeding, perhaps I was nieve to think it would be easy but in all honesty the information I was given made it look a breeze, I was not aware that you were suppose to begin expressing at 36 weeks pregnant and I did not know the questions to ask, not all first time mums will. If you can not help but to make judgements in your responses perhaps do not take the time out of your day.

I think WhiteBricks comment, whilsy probably well-intentioned, is so misguided. I'm a healthcare professional, had read a lot of stuff about breastfeeding, done the antenatal classes: the works! I had my DS, couldn't establish BF in hospital just like OP, was woken at 4am by HCAs literally getting my breasts out without asking my consent for them to touch me.... I hated it. I pumped for a year, it affected my mental health, self image and definitely impacted on my bond with DS in the early days. I also don't like being touched there anymore even by DH. Theoretical knowledge is all well and good but the reality can be completely unimaginable and especially overwhelming as a first time mum. Sending empathy hugs OP. I'm currently due my next child in a few weeks and have already decided I will try BF but will not push myself like I did last time.

I would speak to your GP or if you can, pay for some private counselling. Know that you did your absolute best for your baby and that no matter how they were fed, they are clearly so loved. It’s not okay the way you were treated in hospital. I too assumed breastfeeding would come naturally and was very upset when I couldn’t get my DS to latch and neither could the midwives- very frustrating and upsetting when you are at your most vulnerable physically and emotionally. Can you speak to your partner about your feelings?

I agree with @WhiteBricks - I did NCT classes and read up about the whole bf process so I knew what to expect. That would probably have helped you a lot, as you'd have known about colostrum and wouldn't have worried so much.

Apart from that, sounds like you were lucky to get so much bf support. If you had none, that wouldn't have been ideal either - although there's no excuse for grabbing your boob.

A lot about pregnancy, birth and bringing up a dc is not as you might imagine it, but try not to get too hung up on first night with baby - most women are exhausted, in pain and zonked, so not really appreciating it!! You have plenty of time to have so many more firsts with your dc.

It might be worth contacting PALS at the hospital to make an appt to talk through your experience, though.

Sorry, op - x-posted with you so don't see your response to @WhiteBricks.

That first line was to Tallybo

That is horrific.

Unfortunately student nurses can really over-step. Hopefully she was spoken to seriously about her behaviour.

You've been a hero not to throw the whole thing over there and then. In your position, I would get some counselling. It is so sad that so many of us are left needing counselling over the behaviour of boorish midwives, but if it helps you move on, it helps you move on.

LondonernotinLondon

useless mothers? Get off the thread. Reported.

Op I had a similar time as you down to the midwives manhandling and forcing my baby onto my breast and he actively pushed away from me and then she retold how he had done that to another midwife as if a baby had never done that before and made me feel extra shit.

I'd not slept in 72 hours+ and when we went home I fell asleep and didn't wake up to try and feed my baby. He slept and slept and because jaundiced so slept more. Never wanted to feed. I had a team of midwives come to the house and milk me. Milking colostrum onto a spoon for my boy to pick up like a cat. I walked around the house with my breasts out fully. My mum had one to help us and I remember eyes popping out of her head when I was just walking around in a daze being milked and stressed from not feeding my baby. It was hell

We then got readmitted to hospital and was put on a feeding plan. I was so desperate for him to have BM but could only punk 10ml over two hours and had to top up with 50ml off formula every time then start all over again I'm time for the next two hour feed.

It was fucking shit. At home we had to stick to sake feeding plan and eventually the formula reduced and my boy was on pumped BM then eventually learned how to BF. He was tiny and my boobs were massive and I couldn't see my nipples or anything so made it very difficult. I hate looking back on that time.

I've continued to feed my baby who is now 19m but I honestly hate every single feed which is so sad. I was so keen and determined to BF and had a total rose tinted view of it. I can't wait to wean him but he is teething and has a cold so have to wait for that to be over with. It's mental torture knowing he will wake up at least twice a night to feed. I feel all this stems from the really negative two weeks I had when he was first born.

Sad and let down. I feel for you op but wanted to share what happened to me so you know you're not alone xx

@LondonernotinLondon

Midwives are notoriously crap....

Who the hell are you to say this! Midwives are so under rated, work their bollocks off to look after women antenatally in labour and postnatally! You obvious did no research about breastfeeding and thought maybe the baby would pick up the breast and put it in its mouth, so yes midwives do have to be a bit hands on coz of useless mothers who are so ignorant about breastfeeding and have no clue about colostrum! Even my hubby had heard that and the milk comes in on day 3-5. Gosh what a post!!!!!

We aren't useless. We didn't know.

Twat.

whitebricks

I can't understand why you're so poorly informed about the pandemic and lockdown that you think antenatal classes were functioning as normal.

You should really do some reading up on what it's been like for new mums over the last year.

Jesus the responses you’ve had here are disgusting. Grabbing an intimate body part without consent or explanation is never acceptable in any medical setting (bar the patient being unconscious/no capacity and it being life saving treatment). Guess what? I did all the antenatal classes on offer and I still had absolutely no idea about the 1st few hours of breast feeding and no one told me either until there was a problem, by which time it was too late. Let’s not forget that c sections also complicate things. Postpartum care is all too often crap. Please ignore these posters op and ask for some counselling.

I also had the experience of midwives manhandling and hurting my breasts, being rough and insensitive and very, very judgemental. My son is 18 and I still tense up when I think about that time. I think post-natal care in this country is frequently bloody awful and more needs to be done to address it.

I'm sorry you went through this OP, you're not overreacting, nor is it in any way your fault for being under-prepared or any other reason. You were entitled to respectful, competent care and you didn't get it.

The victim-blaming and talk of "useless mothers" is atrocious. I hope you're not a HCP (but sadly I wouldn't be surprised).

I’m sorry you went through that OP

Completely understand the issue with not having a clue at first...that is totally normal. It's not just the pandemic...I found no one told me anything helpful when I started breastfeeding. The pain, colostrum, nipple shields, tongue tie.... horrendous. What was worse was the midwives being so overrun I couldn't ask for help, and having differing opinions. It made my head spin. Plus midwives can be very pushy about it if you say you want to do it. I think this is because they want you to establish breastfeeding, but it can be unhelpful if you are not used to being so vulnerable (or naked!)

And even though I breastfed my first child for 18 months....it was like starting again the second time. Every child is different!

The only thing that got me through was support from my NCT group. There's just no way I would have done it otherwise.

They say it takes a village to bring up a child and I completely get it.

But please take some comfort in that it was nothing to do with you. You are a good mum....you fed your baby for 5 months! Considering your horrible experience, you did that for your child. That is absolutely amazing :)

@LondonernotinLondon

Midwives are notoriously crap....

Who the hell are you to say this! Midwives are so under rated, work their bollocks off to look after women antenatally in labour and postnatally! You obvious did no research about breastfeeding and thought maybe the baby would pick up the breast and put it in its mouth, so yes midwives do have to be a bit hands on coz of useless mothers who are so ignorant about breastfeeding and have no clue about colostrum! Even my hubby had heard that and the milk comes in on day 3-5. Gosh what a post!!!!!

What do you mean I did no research, I haven't said how I fed or my experience at all . Are you a midwife by any chance? The judgemental 'useless mothers' sounds like the attitude a lot have.

Honestly shocked to hear about being manhandled, I did the nct peer support course and the hospital breastfeeding course 10 years ago and everything was about "hands off"

I'm so sorry they've done this to you. I found when I had my first there was one heartless person on the ward who didn't seem to understand the emotional consequences of their actions. Please try to find some recourse via pals or counselling, as carrying birth trauma is so hard.

I felt like I was breastfeeding a crocodile the first 3 months due to DS’ severe tongue tie. I was only able to continue because one of the nct ladies there knew how to bf through a tongue tie. The midwives didn’t seem to know anything about bf other than how to check ‘latch’.

If you are still suffering from the trauma then I suggest getting cbt or some kind of mental health support to get you through it. That would be the prioritity. Is there support available for you?

Sounds like really disrespectful practice and no wonder you feel traumatised by the experience. I did not have any midwives milking me or telling me off and they could get to France if they tried. I don’t think that’s normal and should not be - definitely complain if that feels helpful.