Feel utterly hopeless sometimes

[hippychick11]

This is something that just seems to have got worse and worse during lockdown. Thinking back, I always had anxiety in some way since I was a child. I was bullied very badly throughout school which I think left a deep impact on my self esteem. I moved to a new school when I was about 16 and I blossomed from there. I became outgoing, loved going out and had lots of friends.

Fast forward to leaving school and my early 20's, I was in an accident that left me with a disability that I still have to this day. I have only been able to work sporadically since then and I think this damaged my self esteem further

I think as a result of the bullying and my accident, my confidence was already low and as a result, I tended to attract more abusive people into my life because I didn't see myself as worthy of being treated with any kindness. This is something that I can recognise now and I can see the patterns that developed. I became a people pleaser who was always there for everyone and got walked on as a result.

I now find myself at a place where I'm totally alone, no partner (and I'm lesbian also), most of my close friends moved abroad after college and I do pretty much everything alone. I know I'm strong and I have lost track of the amount of nights I've cried and been the one crying my own tears. I just really want to break out of this pattern of anxiety and isolation I have found myself in. I'm late 30's now and the self sabotaging part of me keeps telling me that I'm too old to start over and change my life, which I know is logically crap.

I just feel at a loss as to where to go next. I see a wonderful therapist the past few years who has said that i have made great progress, but it's just not fast enough for me. I have soon hoping to try EMDR which i have heard is really helpful for some types of anxiety and also trauma.

Does anyone have any other suggestions as to what can help deep rooted trauma? Sorry this is so long

Typo *drying my own tears

Hippychick so sorry to read this. I'm not at all an expert, but didn't want to read without posting.

EMDR was lifechanging for me (and made a big difference for my 11 year old son too). Eight years ago I was going through responses to violent trauma, marriage break up, very difficult childhood, major change and stresses on all sides. I went for (private) EMDR counselling and it was amazing how incredibly painful situations, many pre-verbal, shifted. It was like big bubbles in my stomach dislodging and popping, and feeling tearful, then free.

I started to feel better around specific memories immediately and liked the fact that having learned the very simple technique, I could top myself up around things that worried me without the need for the therapist. I then started using EMDR to 'record' new more positive alternative scenarios that hadn't happened yet.

Looking back those traumas have gone. I still have twinges when something difficult hits on them, but the original pain is gone. My life is light years better and relationships that were then too painful have been redrawn.

The other thing that made a big difference for me were Paul McKenna's DVDs and books. Over around a year (at the same time as the EMDR) I listened to them in the car to work and back. Again they helped me focus on the positive, and my brain now thinks differently, and I act differently. In the meantime I do a bullet journal and capture all the small bits of positive things, - a nice strong cup of tea, my daffodils starting to open, etc. When I feel bleak I look back through the last few days and remember all the positive bits I'd forgotten.

Of course this is just my experience, but I do hope it might give you some hope. The EMDR (and a good therapist who reassured me) was the start for me. Then capturing and magnifying the bits that were going well, however small, in a difficult time, helped me see change was possible. You can do it. Good luck

Hi OP, I posted to you this morning but my message mustn't have worked as I can't see it here...others will be wiser than me but as a lesbian who has suffered poor mental health at times I couldn't read & run. I hope you are doing ok just now?