I hate myself and I need help

[Notthatcar]

I’m such a failure. Low self esteem, insecure, unattractive, boring...
I took up yoga to try to like myself more. It hasnt worked. I’m shit at it, still not toned and if I don’t do it every day I hate myself for being a failure.
We have a big house and 4 kids. I have a strict housework routine of the minimum I need to do each week to feel on top of things. Every morning the list runs through my head Clean this dust that mop the floor make the beds do the laundry do the dishes why is this so dirty why are you so useless hurry up you need to play with the kids why does this take you so long Other people manage to have clean houses and work full time why are you so useless you can’t even have a clean house when you’re at home all day, haven’t played with the kids enough yet, need to take them out why is it so hard just to get them ready you’re a useless parent why are they arguing...Need to eat well cook healthy meals...we’re out of milk I can’t even order the right amount for the week, how could I forget to order tomatoes. Constant self criticism and doubt. It’s exhausting.

The worst part
If my partner makes a comment that I take as criticism (from commenting that I’ve let one of the kids do something or been too harsh on them or says we should give the house a big sort out at the weekend after I’ve just spent the entire week cleaning and the house is clean just has a pile of clutter somewhere, the chicken is a bit tough, the stew is a bit bland...) I either get overly upset and store it as further evidence of how useless I am OR worse I get the red mist and completely lose it, throw things, smash things (I don’t hurt people, more like throwing a plate into the sink but it must be terrifying if the kids see or hear. It’s never anger at them only a reaction to a perceived criticism and reinforcement of how I’m not good enough) When this happens it’s like I’m possessed. It lasts a couple of minutes and afterwards I am so ashamed. I have less self control than I expect my 5 year old to have. Then back in a cycle of self loathing. I always say it can not will not happen again. I practice techniques to deal with anger. I look up ways to stay calm. Then a couple of months later it happens again. Problem with the techniques I try is that I don’t get any warning it’s like an instant switch and once that mist descends I just do not care.

Please don’t all pile onto tell me how awful I am. I know this already. I just can’t keep living like this

Please, please, please speak to your GP. You can also self refer to NHS talking therapies.

You are not a bad parent, you are not a bad person, you are not a failure. You just need a bit of help to break this cycle.

The help is there and you can do this. Talk to your partner, let them know how you feel.

You are not awful, but it does sound like you may be unwell. Please do go and see your GP. You are not alone. It does get better. It's not your fault...you need help.

I went to the gp a few years ago. I was dismissed. The rages then only occurred around my period now I have a coil and they’re random.
The logical me knows that the hulking out is far worse than any of the other stuff I beat myself up about constantly but I just have this internal monologue that I can’t seem to stop and I feel like if I could stop that I’d be less likely to snap. Does that make sense?

Oh OP, sending you a massive hug, you sound beaten down and exhausted. I'm a fine one to talk as I beat myself up constantly and it all reached a head this past year.

Have you ever looked into ADHD, or more likely ADD or a combination of the two (yes possible). So many young girls that are now struggling adult women were missed as it was always seen as a hyperactive disorder that only affected boys. Not true. It was a lightbulb moment for me OP and much of what you have written resonates strongly with me. It is also not a difficult process to get assessed as an adult. Exploring it might give you some answers as to why you struggle and help you cope and ultimately beat yourself up less! There are some great Facebook groups for support

Were you like this before you got together with your partner?

How were things before Covid?

How old are your kids?

@Notthatcar

I went to the gp a few years ago. I was dismissed. The rages then only occurred around my period now I have a coil and they’re random. The logical me knows that the hulking out is far worse than any of the other stuff I beat myself up about constantly but I just have this internal monologue that I can’t seem to stop and I feel like if I could stop that I’d be less likely to snap. Does that make sense?

That can happen, but please try again. Like I said you can bypass the GP and self refer to the talking therapies as well. This could be a great first step.

It's hard, but there is a path out of this

Thank you all. I will try to find the talking therapies and fill in the form for a gp appointment (it’s all online at my surgery at the moment). I know I can’t continue like this.

Just wanted to say thank you again, I have not been brave enough to complete the referral process before but having posted on here anonymously first and got non judgmental support from you I had the confidence to press submit.

@TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN sorry I missed your post earlier. Pre Covid much the same although the monologue has got worse recently, I’ve always had low confidence but I am more sensitive to criticism from my partner than anyone else because I want him to think I’m good enough! Children are aged between 2 and 16

@Jerania missed yours too. I will look into ADD thanks

How critical is your partner?

The thing that stood out to me about your rages is that you mentioned that they used to happen around your periods and now with the coil, they happen randomly. So pre coil, they were definitely hormonal and perhaps a bit more predictable. I don't know anything about what the coil does to hormones but perhaps your rages are still caused by hormones, but less predictably? Is it worth talking to your GP or even a hormone specialist to see whether there is anything you can take / do / eat / not eat etc to deal with rages if they relate to hormonal changes? Perhaps you just have a very extreme reaction to hormonal changes that you can have fixed?

For the other stuff, that negative self-talk that you mention, you can unlearn that with CBT. You are NOT horrible or a failure or bad or whatever else you tell yourself. You are a lovely human who has fallen into an entrenched pattern of negative self-talk. It's become a habit for you. I do think you can unlearn this but it will take a good CBT therapist, and practice. You could also look online for any books or resources about CBT to see if you can take some of the techniques and get started by yourself.

For example do you think you could manage to answer every negative thought with a positive one (even if you don't believe it). So if you say to yourself in your mind 'hurry up, you're taking too long, other people would have finished this cleaning by now', immediately follow that thought by thinking something like 'I'm fine, I'm doing well, I'm doing my best, I'm doing a good job, go me'. Even if it feels really wrong and clunky and you don't believe yourself you'll be starting to experiment with thinking positive thoughts about yourself. Your negative self-talk will hate any positive talk at first, but it's still worth persisting with.

Note - I am not a CBT therapist, what I suggest might be the wrong way to start. I just have some experience of intrusive thoughts relating to anxiety and I have healed myself a lot by using some CBT techniques I found in a book years ago. Last summer when I got ill I was derailed by health anxiety and my head was full of very loud negative thoughts (I have MS, I'm going to die, what is that, etc etc). I worked hard to say things to myself in my head like 'I'm healthy. I'm fine. I'm well. I'm safe.' - gradually these positives pushed out the negatives.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are having a tough time. I think I would feel overwhelmed and exhausted with a big house to maintain and 4 kids! I wonder you have heard about PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder): www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd/about-pmdd/

@Notthatcar

I went to the gp a few years ago. I was dismissed. The rages then only occurred around my period now I have a coil and they’re random. The logical me knows that the hulking out is far worse than any of the other stuff I beat myself up about constantly but I just have this internal monologue that I can’t seem to stop and I feel like if I could stop that I’d be less likely to snap. Does that make sense?

Yes this makes complete sense, and I agree - sounds like it's self loathing and self criticism that are the problem, not anger. I second a chat with GP and referral to talking therapies.

@Notthatcar, how are you doing now? :)