Help please: mental health or relationship issues (or both?)

[SambalBelacan]

Hi, looking for a bit of advice. Not sure if this should be in mental health or relationships, and will try to keep this brief.

TLDR version: long (20 years), intermittently very difficult, sometimes good, relationships with DH, who probably has depression, refuses treatment. Two kids. I have issues from my childhood, have been having counselling for 5 years. It helps, but sometimes I still find myself in a crisis. Crises usually kicked off by very nasty arguments with DH. Not physically violent but emotionally leave me feeling wrung out. They can come out of nowhere and go on for days. My apologies are never good enough. Last argument was resolved after 48 hours but then I made a very unwise offhand comment about his lack of showering...and he’s back to raging at me.

After last argument I contacted gp for antidepressants. Gp willing to prescribe but I’m afraid of side effects (have a job interview coming up that I need to be 100 percent for). I only feel really acutely, irrationally bad during these arguments (though I do feel low and tired quite often).

So... I guess my question is: is this mental health or relationships? Or both? And what to do?

Thanks for reading.

I’m sorry OP that sounds really tough to deal with.

I think the 2 things are bound to be connected, but I wonder if having a think about your DH and how he behaves toward you might be helpful in disentangling the issue a bit.

How much do you know about emotional abuse and controlling behaviour? I’d recommend having a read up about it. Websites like women’s aid are really informative and will be useful in identifying these sorts of traits, if they exist

Thanks so much, MyGoMargot, really appreciate your reply.

Yes, they must be connected.

I do need to read up on emotional abuse and control. Just applying what I read to my own life feels very difficult. My DH’s new thing is that I’m the abusive one (for example, saying that he smells...). And somehow at times I think he’s right. Hence my latest attempt to get ADs and ‘fix’ myself.

ADs can be really helpful in treating depression and anxiety - indeed they are life saving for some people. So I always think it’s worth a chat with a GP if you are feeling low, or have symptoms of depression such as poor sleep, change to appetite, poor attention and concentration, reduced energy etc. You’re right in that they’re not a ‘fix’ but sometimes they provide the lift that’s needed in order to do any psychological work.

Have a read up about emotional abuse and coercive control. If what you read starts to ‘ring bells’ for you, this might help you to see your situation from a different perspective.

Sorry you’re in such a crap place 💐

My DH’s new thing is that I’m the abusive one (for example, saying that he smells...)

This sounds very familiar. My ex was abusive and saw any comment on him as criticism - I could tell him he had a hair out of place and he'd be extremely offended. He also said that I was controlling, he was walking on eggshells and I was gaslighting him. It was the other way about, they often make out that what they're doing to you, you are doing to them.

They can come out of nowhere and go on for days. My apologies are never good enough

Again, this is what I had in my marriage. I was always to blame for everything, even things that were nothing to do with me. Does that sound familiar?

So many victims of abuse find their mental (and physical) health improves greatly when they are out of the abusive relationship. Yes you are having problems just now but it does sound like they are not being helped by what sounds like abuse from your husband.

I agree with what MyGoMargot has said, Women's Aid are a fantastic resource for women in your situation. Is your GP aware of your husband's behaviour? If not it might be an idea to let them know at your next appointment.

Do not tell your husband you know he is being abusive, best not to let him see any change in you. Take time to think about what you are learning about his behaviour, speak to WA and take it from there. Do keep posting, you don't need to go through this alone

Thank you, Orgasmagorical (great name btw).

Sounds eerily similar! Well done that he’s an ex!

I read up a bit on coercive control. It doesn’t sound like it meets the threshold in my case tbh. He can be supportive of me. But it definitely depends on his mood, and also he projects all his bad stuff onto me. He basically has very poor control of his negative emotions (can rein them in with the kids though, interestingly).

Gp wasn’t very helpful. I did mention the arguments in the online consult, but not in the phone convo. His main concern seemed to be whether I was likely to take too many ADs...

This is the part I find really hard—ongoing silent treatment. Trying not to go and attempt to make things right. That never goes well. Just need to be contained and wait for it to pass.

Am telling myself to let things be until the end of the month, and then see where I am. In this state I often rush about looking at rentals and writing emails to solicitors that I don’t end up sending...

It’s a kind of shared pathology, I think

He can be supportive of me. But it definitely depends on his mood
He basically has very poor control of his negative emotions (can rein them in with the kids though, interestingly).
intermittently very difficult, sometimes good, relationships with DH, who probably has depression, refuses treatment

That's all very telling. Do you find yourself trying to pick the right moment to bring something up with him? Even if it's something quite innocuous? I was once bawled at for daring to ask him something really trivial when he was dusting crap in the garage - how could he be expected to think about that when he was busy doing this. Dusting, FFS! arsehole

This is the part I find really hard—ongoing silent treatment. Trying not to go and attempt to make things right. That never goes well. Just need to be contained and wait for it to pass

You are having to behave a way to stop him from reacting. That is coercive control.

Instead of saying to your GP about arguments if you get the opportunity say it's emotional abuse, see if that gets a better response. Most couples argue but when one party is behaving in a way to keep themselves safe from the other party's behaviour, that is more than likely a controlling relationship.

Am telling myself to let things be until the end of the month, and then see where I am

That's a good idea not to rush into anything that might backfire. The more plans you have in place the better placed you will be. But don't let it become the end of next month, then the next again. Have a think about contacting Women's Aid, they are brilliant and won't push you into doing anything you don't want to do. They were great with me and it helped me to have some understanding of why my ex behaved the way he did.