This sounds so stupid but I just need to get he all out and vent!
Background story. I've never had a stable home. Mum and dad constantly breaking up and getting back together etc. Moving back and forth from my mums to my dads over the years. Been homeless with my dad and also lived in caravans with him. Boats with no toilet so I've had to use the local public showers and toilets etc. I've moved 16 times in the last 9 years. I'm only 22. I got badly bullied for 3 years at school to the point where I self harmed etc. honestly it's just been exhausting.
I'm getting so anxious lately and I always suffered with slight OCD. I genuinely think I have majorly bad anxiety now and also OCD. Not sure what else...
Anyway I'm 29 weeks pregnant and me and my partner have just moved into our first flat together. He's in the army so he's away all week and back at weekends. We've just got this flat, we needed to move out and had no other options. It is an old building that's been turned into flats and they're all lovely and new inside, they've only just been opened so it's only us and two other people living in the building at the moment. And honestly I'm hating it. I don't get on with my mum but I miss my mum. I miss my mums dog (who kept me company all week whilst my boyfriend was away) and I just miss the little things. My new flat is all electric only, no gas. It has no insulation and is constantly just freezing as I said it's an old building. We put the heaters on (which are EXPENSIVE!) for two hours each time, gets lovely and hot and within minutes of turning them off it's cold again. The bathroom has no heating and is unbearably cold. The kitchen is the coldest as that has the entrance door which leads out to the hallway (which is freezing) so our wooden door just lets all that cold outside air in and it's just horrible, I'm cooking in there with 3 jumpers on it's that cold. The kitchen also has no window and the extractor fan is good but the kitchen just stinks of cooking which makes the living room smell. I'm just hating it I don't feel homely or cosy at all. Our flat is on the front so whenever someone goes out for a cigarette the entrance door slams twice once opened and closed and so do the other doors and they're so loud. It shouldn't bother me but the sound really makes me anxious and stresses me out? As I said I have no idea why but it just really gets to me to the point where I'm dreading getting in bed and trying to sleep like I'm anxious about having to go to bed! On top of this I know in September time we're going to have to move out again as I can't spend the winter here with little one as it's way too cold. The thought of moving out again just plays over in my mind and makes me so anxious! I've moaned and moaned and moaned about these little things to my partner the last few days and I honestly feel so guilty for moaning so much but I'm not moaning for the fun of it I just can't get all of this out of my head. It's all really getting to me. The thought of moving out again stresses me, the thought of having a baby is terrifying me, the thought of having to be alone in the week is upsetting me, I hated being home alone at my mums let alone living alone in the week. Wondering if I'll cope when the baby is here etc. I just feel like I don't fit in? Like I'm weird, like something Is wrong with me that sets me apart from everyone else. Can anyone just hold my hand here or suggest what could be wrong with me? I often wonder if I'm autistic or if I actually have anxiety or what. I haven't felt myself the last few days because of all this change and that's making me over think me and my partner "does he hate me" "he must find me so annoying because I moan so much" "he must think I'm weird" "I bet me being unhappy is making him unhappy" "I bet he can't wait to go back to work so he doesn't have to deal with me" "what if he doesn't actually love me what if he feels like he just has to stay out of pity" all of this is constantly in my head and I cannot cope someone please give me some advice here!!!😔😔😔😔