I've made a decision

[TinkerbellesMum]

I don't know why I'm posting it here, maybe this is the only place where I think people will understand.

I've had enough, end of tether, hair all pulled out. Everyone has a go at me, I'm not good enough for anyone. So I've told my OH he needs to find somewhere to live with Tink and I'm not going to have anything to do with anyone.

I've been at my parents for about ten days because I have builders in and Mum has had a go at me most days. I have a bad back and am only just being able to move for the first time in about two weeks and I'm still getting used to the new ADs but she complains I'm not doing enough. I feel like a bad parent and daughter.

My OH has been in London with his other children over the weekend and has had a go at me everytime I've spoken to him.

Tink's not well and I can't do anything with her, she doesn't want anyone else, she wants her mum. If I pick her up she gets mad and pushes away. It just reinforces the babysitter feelings.

I'm sat in the dark in the livingroom crying and no one knows!

You sound like you've have a very rough week or so, parents are the worst at bringing up old feelings of low self esteem etc.

More than anything I didn't want this to go unnoticed.

How do you usually get on with your Mum is she a positive or negative influence on your life?

As someone who never had parents, please don't leave your child. You will get through this but you need to give yourself time. Is there anywhere else you can go if your mothr isn't being supportive?

We've always been a close family, but we do have our moments - probably because we are so close.

Mum had PND too but she was sectioned from it, she was ill a long time. She had ECT and was drugged to a zombie. She often ran and tried to kill herself several times.

I think that Mum sees what she went to as the high middle end, not as bad as it really was so she doesn't see me as that bad because I don't try to kill myself. The truth is that I made a decision at five years old that I wouldn't do that to my family (not that I think Mum had control) and as low as I've got I've never gotten past obsessional (I have OCD, see another thread) with it. I don't tell Mum and I don't want her to know what it felt like to be us (me and Dad mainly, the others are too young) because I don't want her to not only deal with me doing that but then the guilt of "that's what I did to them".

It's the same with my bad back, she has a fused neck and her spine has worn because she has to turn from the lumbar instead of the neck to see behind. So she doesn't see mine as being bad, even though she doesn't know what's going on with mine.

I'm pretty much stuck here as Tink's main carer as she can't go home and there is no one else who could put me up.

You poor thing - it sounds pretty awful for you at the moment.

I can see why you feel walking away from your OH and DD would be the best thing all round and only you can know whether it is better for you to be in her life or not but I suspect she needs to be with you as much as you need to be with her.

Don't make any rash decisions at the moment, things are up in the air and you are all probably under extra pressure due to the temporary living arrangements.

Could you not let things go back to narmal and then decide? No one can tell you that it is the wrong decision to walk out, only you can decide but give yourself the chance to see things clearly first.

It's such a huge decision, one that will have massive consequences for all involved so please dont rush into anything at the moment.