I'm lost and at crisis point

[shelle044]

I’ve never posted here before but things have reached what I think is crises point and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want a pity party and feel terrible for moaning but I need to offload - I have an 8 year old amazing daughter and am letting her down terribly. I spilt from her dad two years ago for various reasons, sold our marital home a(on my own) and I managed to buy us a house which I don’t love but it’s perfect space for my daughter and I. Since then I’ve lost my job due to covid so have started my own business but with that I’m currently earning less than national wage but too much to get any benefits (I used to earn a good salary so my income has reduced around 60%) - I literally am not eating to feed my daughter as we have less than £100 a month to live off - my ex husband isn’t paying child maintenance despite him working FT and a case raised through child maintenance system. After my mortgage and bills I have nothing - my daughter is growing out of clothes and her quality of life is just sad. Apart from playing with friends at the park we can’t afford to do anything. It breaks my heart as I just want the best for her and just don’t know what to do. I have looked into everything but can’t take additional work on as I have my daughter 24/7. I know everyone is the same but I don’t see anyone due to covid - sometimes going over a fortnight without seeing another adult. I feel so lost and lonely and scared. And most of all feel ashamed at the quality of life I can offer my daughter. I feel so ashamed to admit this but I’ve even been thinking of selling nude pictures and sex chat to get money which I’m totally ashamed of. I’ve been looking into getting sleeping tablets just so I can take them when my daughter goes to bed so I don’t have to be alone. I’m in tears writing this as I’m usually such an outgoing and bubbly person but this is destroying me and I don’t know what to do. Really just looking for advice from anyone who has been through or going through anything similar. I don’t recognise myself anymore - I’m 44 years old and worked so hard my whole life and feel it’s just crashing all around me. Any advice
Would be so so appreciated X

I didn’t want to read and leave, although I have little to advise: I am stuck in another country and I cannot come back home with my 2 kids, and I also feel I have let them down by agreeing to move.

My mum struggled as a parent - despite her best efforts, but I love her and I am grateful that she has always looked out for her children. Your daughter will forget the hard times and remember the love.

Well done on the house and leaving.
Do not try and attempt a quick fix that you will regret. It won’t work because you’re desperate and distracted.
I would suggest 1) don’t say too much to your daughter but be honest that things are difficult: blame COVID as it rightly is and just be honest that it’s just a temporary situation that you and many others are in. It will be a lesson to get in not giving up
2) focus on gettin the next job, I know it’s easier said but just keep reminding yourself of what you need 3) don’t be ashamed to reach out on FB groups for clothes etc. people have so much stuff and with shops and lockdown many people have things to give away. Ask for specific things maybe - like trainers or tops. Say it’s needed and will be used and appreciated. I think people have trouble letting go of things, esp in good condition because they don’t see where it’s going. Charity shops sometimes look so sad and drab that you don’t want to take your best there, because there is no guarantee it will get used or taken. That’s my theory anyway: for me if someone needs the things I tried to sell or give to charity recently I would happily deliver. And I’m not talking about a video of gratitude but just the knowledge that it’s wanted and will be of value and appreciation to someone and not languish on the floor of the Oxfam shop. Get some rest and remember that tomorrow is another day. I will try too as well

Can you restructure your mortgage to free up some extra monthly income maybe?
Also can you ask family for some help in the interim?

What about something you could do at home? Like taking in ironing maybe? Never underestimate how much people hate ironing. I remember my mum doing it when I was small and money was very tight.

Also if the idea doesn't give you too much of the ick, list 'well worn shoes' on ebay. Hell of a lot of people on there have a foot fetish. I've had as much as £40 on there for grotty, falling apart shoes. What on Earth people find sexy about them idk. Even if it gets you a fiver for something you would have thrown away, it's worth it.

Firstly your daughter doesn’t have a poor quality of life, she has a stable home, food, exercise and most importantly a mum who clearly loves her very much, you are doing a fantastic job!
You’re not moaning, just offloading and we all need that at times, I’m sorry that things are so difficult right now, no pity, just understanding
Money wise you could try selling unwanted/outgrown things on gumtree etc to make a little money for new clothes etc (why do they grow so fast?!) or perhaps something such as making wax melts/candles etc at home (they’re a big hit online at the moment!)
Food wise there is a great app called olio which saves food waste and helps the environment and is for everyone regardless of financial situation!
And you could try supermarkets in the evening in the yellow sticker sections and buy things to freeze and use throughout the week/month. Socially is there anybody you could have an evening phone call with even once a week? If not then how about a volunteering role that you and your daughter could participate in together?
Sorry if I’ve just thrown a load of word vomit your way but I understand the struggle and just wanted to offer any advice I could.
And on an end note, please try not to feel ashamed, you have nothing to be ashamed of, your daughter is very lucky!

Sorry to bang on but just thinking food wise, I’m sure this isn’t new news but buying large bulk items of things such as bags of pasta and oats and larger blocks of cheese/crates of eggs etc can really help out so you’re not going without.
I also find buying a whole chicken as opposed to chicken breasts etc much more affordable as we can stretch it out over a few meals between 3 of us and add lentils and veg into mince dishes to bulk out.
I know it’s about more than the food situation but your mind feels healthier when you’re not deprived of nutrients and makes everything feel just a little easier.

I’m sorry you’re in this awful situation.

Would you be better not starting your own business in order that you can claim benefits? What kind of business is it?

Can you go to a food bank?

Could you take in a female lodger?

Could you be a dog walker?

Is your house bought outright, would you consider selling and downsizing?

Don’t give up.
And if you get to a food bank and eat more yourself it may give you more strength, and help you think clearly.

If you make a mistake with sleeping tablets and overdo them and end up ill in hospital your ex could be expected to take your child on, so you need to stay healthy for her if he is not a good guy, which I imagine he isn’t or he’d be paying for her. She’s better with you. You need to be ok fir her.

It’s not you who has let the child down it’s him.

This is a temporary situation. Things will improve. We’ve all been there.