Emotional detachment and disconnect

[Hammeredgold]

Thanks to finally engaging in therapy I'm able to put a name to the way I've been feeling for the past few years.

At the moment I'm living in a constant state of low-level misery and discontent, trapped inside myself.

I feel like a shell of a person with no meaningful relationships outside of my marriage. I have nothing to say to anyone, nothing to offer them other than superficial pleasantries.

My wonderful husband loves me but I've already mentally checked out of my marriage as a method of self-preservation while I wait for it to fail. If it does I'll be prepared for it and I'll be just fine on my own.

I long for connection and fear it at the same time, worried that I will never be able to give someone enough of myself. I have no hobbies and my self-esteem is at rock-bottom, so on the rare occasion I have something to talk about I'm convinced that no one will be interested in hearing it or I will come across as ignorant.

I think I'm even boring my therapist.

I'm never grumpy, never angry, never ecstatic or excited or bursting to tell someone something. I'm just...not here. Vacant.

Enthusiasm and passion feel like such ostentatious emotions, the kind of thing that looks great on other people but would look vulgar and embarrassing if I were to try them. To others I must seem perpetually underwhelmed.

I used to be creative, I used to be good at things.

I can't see a way out of this. The thought of living like this for the rest of my life terrifies me. What a waste.

So sorry you’re feeling like this. I have similar emptiness and detachment and no motivation to do anything. Probably no one would guess as I’m good at going through the motions. I too have been to therapists and sort of understand where it comes from, but sadly there is no magic bullet for going forward.

Do you take anti-depressants? I sometimes take St. John’s Wort for a few weeks, which lightens things a bit but the underlying sense of hopelessness never really goes away. I do feel that the lack of deeper meaning in life can cause depression so maybe start reading around that?

Exercise is supposed to help, especially outdoors but for me it doesn’t really help as I have various health issues that curtail even walking and being outdoors doesn’t really do it for me although I do like to sit in the sun when it’s warm. Ha! Negative or what! I intend to go to a gym when they open to try and get a bit fitter. I quite like a gym as you don’t get stuck in the middle of nowhere trying to limp home!

When you say you used to be creative - could you timetable 10 minutes or so a day to dabble in whatever you enjoyed? There’s a book called The Artists Way by Julia Cameron which was recommended to me. even if you aren’t creative, it has some good suggestions for removing psychological blockages. The main one I found helpful is to get up and write for half an hour, anything that comes into your head. Even “I don’t want to do this..” even that could lead to a stream of consciousness that might uncover where your problems come from. You don’t re-read until weeks later. It gets stuff out. In fact I must do it again as it did seem to help a bit.

I bought pretty notebooks to do the 6 things to be grateful for thing that Oprah Winfrey recommends, but managed two days. That was in 2013!

Having read all that, what would you say to me? i am reminded of a passage I read in some improving book or other, that people who are depressed are egotistical because they are constantly thinking of themselves and how things should be better for them. Hmm. I’d rather not believe that, but perhaps shouldn’t throw it out of court. I was an only child and horribly emotionally abused so not spoilt, but when there is only one of you, you get used to being the focus even if it’s unpleasant.

Well, that’s my input. Not very helpful I know, but perhaps a bit of a comfort for you to know you are not alone. I have felt like this for such a long time. Never look forward to anything, just get through the days in the hope that I don’t make other people miserable. So like the clown I smile and laugh and behave appropriately and no one will ever know.

Did you lose a parent at an early age?

No but my mother lost her mother when she was under two. I read somewhere that the death of a young mother casts its shadow for three generations and looking back I can see that it had a catastrophic effect on both my mother and me because having never been mothered, she couldn’t mother me.

Did you?

Well that’s probably the answer. Unresolved loss can cause these feelings of disassociation.

CoOpWindow
Oops sorry, thought you were OP! Not wanting to hijack thread will wait for them to answer you.