Still not okay - what is wrong with me?

[Coffeelover2021]

Hi, really long story but I had a thought that my baby could have been swapped last year when he was born and since then the dr has referred me for intense CBT and has advised against medication as I’m breastfeeding and says it’s not advised. I have nearly finished the CBT and have found it helpful at times but I feel so bad today after a few things have happened. A few days ago on a walk someone said that my baby didn’t look like me or DH and said abruptly who does he look like?! I know I’m super sensitive about this so tried to pass it off but it’s been playing on my mind. I also looked at my pictures and clicked on the peoples faces folder and my baby boy doesn’t have any face recognition from the hospital it only accepts the ones from home (my heart sank when I saw that and I’ve become very upset). I keep on thinking someone will realise they have been swapped and will want him back, I am so scared as I love him so much and only want him. I realise I sound like a crazy irrational person and probably need to reach out for help, my husband is lovely but I don’t tell him how bad I feel. I feel like some days are ok and I can get on but others are just so upsetting. What would you do? Will I get better? It’s nearly 5 months now and I have moments of this is crazy to the thought being what if I am predicting what happened? Most intrusive thoughts are about people doing bad things to loved ones etc but mine is about someone doing something to my baby, is that even an intrusive thought?! Really wish I could wake up tomorrow and all of this has gone away!

Really sorry to hear you are feeling so low. There are definitely meds you can take when breastfeeding, so it may help to speak to another GP and ask about them.
This probably won't reassure you given your irrational thoughts, but there is no way babies can get mixed up in hospitals these days. There are so many safeguarding policies in place to prevent this and I imagine your baby was never left alone anyway. the face recognistion thing is probably because newborns are so squished and puffy in the face that they do change massively in the first few days. It isn't something to be worried about.
Take care

I really feel for you OP. I felt the same - although it didn't last as long. Could you speak to the midwife or even get a dna test done to put your mind at rest?

I wouldn't start with DNA. In your current state once the test came back it's very unlikely you'd believe the result and not think it had been tampered with or that you were the exception and the 0.0001% (or whatever) that it gave the incorrect result for.
You need to speak to your therapist and be completely honest. Just because you're nearing the end of your allotted cbt sessions doesn't mean they can't help get you referred to a high- intensity therapist or a Dr. who can help you further. ( My cbt therapist referred me onwards when at the end of 12 weeks I hadn't made much progress- referred me to a highly trained professional who helped me change my life completely).
Speak to your GP- or ideally a different GP who can talk things through and offer advice on meds.
Speak to family and friends and be completely honest with them.

It won't be like this forever.

That sounds really upsetting.
I too felt a similar way when my son was born. He was nothing like I imagined him to be and I spent a long time feeling very disconnected and even worried he wasn't mine.
Are you getting any other help than the CBT?

Thank you for your replies,

@GentlyGentlyOhDear you are right there will be so many safeguarding policies, I am so tired of this thought and have looked at so many of my hospital pictures to reassure me it didn’t happen and every time I calm myself down I’ve come to imagine he was swapped by accident whilst I looked away in the theatre room (not really possible as there were no other babies there!) or when we were in the recovery room maybe a midwife mixed him up by mistake before he had his feet tags on. My husband swears he had a tag on in the theatre room, I feel like he’s just saying this to calm me. I do feel very irrational and stupid, my husband or family have never once said they agree with me or that it could be true which gives me hope. Thank you for saying about the faces changing I do agree with that and will try and move forward.

@Gerla sorry you had the same thought and so nice to hear you are over it! I keep hoping my mind will let me see what a stupid thought it is.

@Spied I will speak to my therapist and will hopefully get some more help and if I continue to feel bad get some meds. I talk to my parents who are supportive but don’t go into much detail as I feel so bad and embarrassed about feeling this way, will try and talk to DH more.

Hi @Namechange1991x sorry you felt that way to. Did you get better over time? I feel awful for thinking it and so in love with him and I can see features of me and DH I am just so scared of losing him and imagine the day the hospital realise he was swapped and I have to give him back, I couldn’t bare it! I’m so upset just writing it and feel like it could be a possibility (never thought I would be this crazy over a thought!) I hope in time this will all be a distant memory!

Sorry forgot to say only doing CBT and have read books on intrusive thoughts/anxiety. My therapist says I have GAD and CBT will help me but I feel a bit of a lost cause today

Hello- just wanted to chip in with my experience. I felt similar, I had no bond with my baby after an emergency section and NICU, and I too kept having the though that he wasn't mine. Then I kept having the thought that maybe I hadn't actually had a baby and it was all a bit dream.
After all sorts of bad times, I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and (which surprised me) maternal OCD. That was what was causing the intrusive thoughts, and it is really very common, particularly as part of PND. (Try googling maternal OCD)
OP, your gp sounds badly informed- you can definitely take antidepressants while breastfeeding, I did (sertraline I think is the one they normally try first). Could you ask for a referral to your perinatal mental health service? Through your GP or health visitor? It sounds as if you could do with some help processing these thoughts and the perinatal team were absolutely amazing for me. I went from having awful dark thoughts about harming my child and him being harmed, to being so much better, happier and bonded with him in about six months.
There's nothing crazy or weird about what your mind is doing, it just needs some help processing things. Xxx

@Januaryblue2020 thank you for your reply and good advice. Sorry you had these thoughts to and so glad you are over it now! I definitely think I have ocd but my dr said I don’t show the classic signs and said it was just intrusive thoughts due to hormones after giving birth. I would have thought my hormones would have settled now but I don’t know. Looking back I’ve always had some intrusive thoughts but they’ve gone after a few days, why is this one going on for months? Sometimes I’m worried the thought will brainwash me into believing it as absolute truth - some days it feels very much the truth.

I think it started before I was about to have my little boy in the weeks leading up I had a thought about stabbing my husband (I would never do this and was so alarmed but I got over the thought) then I was worried I would die in the theatre room having my baby and I was worried the dr would drug me and keep me locked up (so weird I know, I think I saw it in a film once and it petrified me!) I can remember thinking when I was having my c section don’t look away from my baby and I did for about 30 seconds to speak to one of the drs and then when I was on the ward the midwife said she would take him for a walk so I could get some sleep but I never let her do this as I had the thought what if she swaps him! So the odd thoughts were always there but I didn’t take to much notice to them then when I got home and not getting any sleep my husband made a remark about him looking tanned and I immediately thought he was swapped since then it’s spiralled and won’t go away. I did and still do all the feeding and taking care as I worry no one can take care of him like I can, also waking every 2 hours feeding my baby so don’t think the lack of sleep is helping.

I will ask to see a different gp and talk through PND and maternal OCD. Thank you for all your help x