I dread every single day, it's so hard

[Inkdrinker]

For so long now I have been struggling with depression. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital a few years back due to multiple attempts of su. Since then I have had therapy, I am aware that I have to be here, that I have to stay unhappy and that is what is most frustrating.

Every single day from the moment I wake up, I want the day to be over with. I dread the cycle of the day starting again, being a parent to three kids is exhausting. I love them to the ends of the earth but I know full well that they deserve more than me, thankfully my partner is amazing. I can no longer settle in the nights, I used to watch a tv series or play a game or read but I cant focus on any of it. Life just feels so pointless.

I feel like I am just forcing myself to go through the motions to keep everyone happy but I am not. I have tried so hard and for so long to get better. I've followed all the advice I've been given but yet im still here feeling like this.

Meds dont do anything. I just want to enjoy life again, I am 24 years old and I feel like I can't keep going on like this. Im so drained

I wish so much that I could just make life enjoyable again. I try and try but I don't seem to get anywhere. Some people say I've made massive amounts of progress because I'm no longer in and out of hospital, because I'm completing a law degree but what is the point in it all if I'm so unhappy. I feel like there is no hope. Life is not the way I wanted it to be, I'm fat, tired all the time, not a good parent, depressed and just feel so completely and utterly worthless. I don't know how to heal myself to make myself happy or am I going to just have to go through the motions and pretend I'm happy until I die because quite frankly, that's a morbid thought. Sorry for ranting. I just need to get it all out. There's so much I want to say but all of it is jumbled.

Just typed a really long reply then accidentally deleted it

Don't always believe what your brain tells you. If you are depressed then it is not necessarily giving you the correct information and is interpreting everything in a very negative way. When my head is bad I often tell myself to 'do the opposite of what your brain is telling you'. So if you want to stay in bed all day - get up - if you can't move off the couch, go for a walk.
Don't get me wrong I appreciate fully how hard these things can be but you might surprise yourself with what you can do. And don't beat yourself up either way xx

Well done on the law degree. I've been in practice now 15 years and it's still interesting me, it is a worthwhile career and great for your kids to see you working for.

Anyway, I'm the one rambling now. Don't give up, keep on trucking, your kids and family need you. Big hugs xxx

That always happens, very frustrating! Thank you for taking the time to reply to me twice ♥

I've managed to be a little bit more productive today, I've managed to go for a little walk. Do some uni work and move some stuff to our new house.

I think I'm just so overwhelmed, looking after 3 kids, uni work, bad mental health and moving house has just taken its toll on me.

What field do you practice in? I love law, it's the one thing that makes me feel useful. I don't feel like I achieve enough and this definitely helps me with that.

Thank you so much, I'll keep trying. It's just sometimes so hard to see the positives 😔

Maybe this?

Ketamine service treatment | Oxford Health NHS Foundation Trust
Ketamine service treatment | Oxford Health NHS Foundation Trust

Or ask for Nardil ( you will have to modify your diet) or Venlafaxine. These are used in treatment resistant depression.

Which medication have you tried?

Also, Nardil is very old and hits lots of neurotransmitters. This is why it is meant to be so good for treatment resistant depression.

Chlomipramine and Amitryptiline are also good in these situations.

You are 24 with 3 small children and doing a law degree?? With respect, that's too much. Anyone would be overwhelmed. Where are these decisions coming from?

You are achieving a lot looking after your kids and studying for a law degree! The big headline things aren’t always the important ones - the small everyday things you do for your kids and partner and building your legal knowledge (which can be useful in personal and family situations, not just professional) are all contributing more than your realise. Don’t feel you need to overtly ‘achieve’. Sometimes resting and taking care of yourself also helps you look after others better too.

Can I hazard a guess that you don't have a parent in your life who gives good advice? Or you don't have a parent you listen to?
If I had told my mum that I was having 3 children close together whilst studying a law degree at 24 years old, she literally would have said 'don't be ridiculous'. OP I would have needed to hear that.
You are self-sabotaging your life. Setting yourself up to be exhausted and feel like a failure because making deadlines is going to be near impossible. By all means study for a degree, but not now! Unless you have a live-in nanny and I'm missing something?
The only way you could make it harder for yourself is to embark on a self-build house at the same time.

@DianaT1969

You are 24 with 3 small children and doing a law degree?? With respect, that's too much. Anyone would be overwhelmed. Where are these decisions coming from?

I'm doing my degree part time. It's not too much. Got a distinction for my first year and I'm one assignment from my second year being completed, on task to getting a distinction. If I were to give up on my law degree, not only would it make me feel like I'm an even bigger failure but also that I've wasted grands and effort for no reason. The 'decision' came from my long time love of law and that I wanted to do something just for me. Not for my kids or family, just for me and this helps.

I'm not really here for your opinions on my law degree and the fact that I'm nearly completed it is kind of a big deal. It's part time, it's not full time. My kids were in school UNTIL the pandemic. It's a distance degree meaning I do it from home.

@Namenic

You are achieving a lot looking after your kids and studying for a law degree! The big headline things aren’t always the important ones - the small everyday things you do for your kids and partner and building your legal knowledge (which can be useful in personal and family situations, not just professional) are all contributing more than your realise. Don’t feel you need to overtly ‘achieve’. Sometimes resting and taking care of yourself also helps you look after others better too.

Thank you! I know I need to work on being kind to myself. The thing is I don't think I view what I do as important. After my final assignment I'm on a long break till next academic term so that's just on the horizon!

Cross-post. Your children are presumably pre-school age. Do you have a lot of support with them? Don't you feel that something has to give? That there are only so many hours on the day? It's not about giving up on studying and your deams. It's about timing.

In fact, I'm not in the head space to argue why I chose to do what I have done. I don't need that right now. So I'm just going to walk away from this thread. Thanks to those for the helpful and kind advice xx

My kids are in school. They're 3,5 and 9. All in full time school

Ah, as you are 24 I Assumed your children would be younger than 9. That's great. You got GCSEs and A levels (or completed an access course) while a young mum. You are clearly very academically talented. Best of luck with your studies and I hope you feel better soon.
💐

I feel just like you do.
I live for my children but I’m thoroughly miserable.
Things I find help a bit are taking some time to rest. I know how hard that is when you have small children but once a week I shut myself away in my bedroom and watch a film. Just to get away from the kids for a bit. Dh understands how badly I need this time.
Things have been particularly difficult the past year but now we can meet people outside I have met up with a couple of school mums (separately) at the park and chatted while the kids play. It has given me a distraction from the doom and gloom. Having to pretend to be normal can help me sometimes.
I do think there’s hope for a brighter future and you need to really cling on to that however unlikely it seems. Sending lots of love xxx

@Inkdrinker will pm you, glad today has been a better day.

Keep on keeping on.

@DianaT1969

Ah, as you are 24 I Assumed your children would be younger than 9. That's great. You got GCSEs and A levels (or completed an access course) while a young mum. You are clearly very academically talented. Best of luck with your studies and I hope you feel better soon. 💐

I'm really sorry I snapped at you. I wasn't in the best place mentality and I can be quite touchy in regards to my education. Growing up I was always told I wouldn't achieve anything, I fell pregnant at 15 with my eldest, I was in a DV relationship at the time. I forced myself through school it still wasn't enough for my family, so I decided I would do my law degree for me. So I can feel I have actually achieved something in my life. I am proud of my children but they are their own person, I need to have accomplished something for myself or I'll feel completely useless. Don't know if that helps explain why my degree is so important to me. Xx

@CuckooCuckooClock

I feel just like you do. I live for my children but I’m thoroughly miserable. Things I find help a bit are taking some time to rest. I know how hard that is when you have small children but once a week I shut myself away in my bedroom and watch a film. Just to get away from the kids for a bit. Dh understands how badly I need this time. Things have been particularly difficult the past year but now we can meet people outside I have met up with a couple of school mums (separately) at the park and chatted while the kids play. It has given me a distraction from the doom and gloom. Having to pretend to be normal can help me sometimes. I do think there’s hope for a brighter future and you need to really cling on to that however unlikely it seems. Sending lots of love xxx

I'm so sorry you're feeling the same way, it's a miserable way to live. I can only pray and hope that something will change for both of us to feel a little better in ourselves.

The thing is, I take that time away and then I never want to get out of bed and face the day. If I was able to, I would spend all day in bed. I don't have the drive anymore xx

[quote Clusterfack]@Inkdrinker will pm you, glad today has been a better day.

Keep on keeping on. [/quote]
Thank you ♥ I hope you're OK xx