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How to best help OH diagnosed with stress and anxiety

13 replies

blobby10 · 30/03/2021 09:23

Have tried to keep this short and to the point! My OH has always been a perfectionist and anxious when he doesn't achieve his idea of perfection. I've known him for four years but it's only the last year that its affected his health. He caught Covid in October and ended up in hospital with tachycardia (170bpm) where they ran the full gamut of tests and concluded nothing mechanically wrong with his heart/lungs/chest apart from obvious Covid scarring. Fast forward to ten days ago and he had another episode of tachycardia, went to GP, prescribed betablockers, took two doses then threw them away as horrendous stomach cramps. (we live apart - I knew nothing of this apart from him not feeling well and refusing to see me). Ended up calling paramedics yesterday at 5am as had chest pains too- took him to hospital where they ran the full range of tests and concluded nothing mechanically wrong - its stress and anxiety.

He is fully aware of being particularly anxious right now and says that me being there calms him but is there anything else I can do? He's open to trying therapies, meditation, yoga, etc but will it help if I find therapists for him? Do it as a couple? He can calm down a bit by doing deep breathing and is going to do that at work today - I'm hoping that being at work will distract him from his health but...........!!

Having been through bouts of severe depression (it's under control with medication) I can understand that feeling of not being able to see the wood for the trees but I always had my children to focus on which really helped. And I also wanted to sort myself out - hated asking for support and help so I get where he's coming from in that respect. BUT I worry that I don't understand properly how he is feeling and may inadvertently make matters worse! Can anyone who is going through this or who has been with someone going through it offer any advice?

OP posts:
supercritter · 30/03/2021 09:32

TRE might help. Tension/trauma release exercises that use natural shaking mechanism to get rid of stress and tension. Lots of practitioners online now. Once you know what you're doing can do by yourself but would recommend seeing someone first to guide him through. Works well alongside things like meditation yoga talking therapies or use by itself. Www.trauma prevention.com. Or look at David Berceli YouTube

blobby10 · 30/03/2021 11:19

@supercritter thankyou! That's one I've never heard of and will definitely look into it. He's a dentist so "Science Roolz" for most things but he's said he's open to complimentary stuff - I suspect a gentle introduction of something not considered too 'woo' would stand a better chance of succeeding with him!

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supercritter · 30/03/2021 12:09

If he likes science get him to check out polyvagal theory and how it can help understand stress. Irene Lyon on YouTube good place to start. Stephen Porges too.

Sarahlou63 · 31/03/2021 18:31

This is a science based video on stress and anxiety -

Embracelife · 31/03/2021 18:37

"says that me being there calms him"

But he has to follow medical advice
Try different beta lockers
Give them time

He cannot use you to calm him down
You cannot be his "cure"
You can suggest
but he needs to be willing

He needs to be pro active to get his own help...you cannot be his therapist

He is a dentist so intelligent right?

Embracelife · 31/03/2021 18:38

By all means do joint yoga
But he needs his own therapy really
CbT?

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 01/04/2021 20:26

You are his wife, you are not there to 'fix' him in any meaningful sense.

It's not up to you to find a cure for him.

Don't take on this responsibility.

Did he tell his GP about the side-effects of the beta blockers? His GP may be able to prescribe something else, but if the GP doesn't know, then he can't help.

blobby10 · 02/04/2021 21:07

We aren’t married ! He is supposed to go back to the GP on Friday for a folllow up appt when I’m hoping he will get some mild anti depressants to help him through the next few months whilst the other therapies take effect x

I guess I was really after any advice from people who have been through this hell on the things I need to avoid saying and doing! My instinct is to do everything for him- arrange therapies and suchlike but I know that wouldn’t be right for him as he will feel forced into therapies etc which means he won’t engage fully

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Digestive28 · 02/04/2021 22:37

Nothing you do then “do with” not “do for”. You are human and will say and do the wrong things at times, as will he, and that is ok - being perfect is not achievable. So talk to him and ask what helps him when he’s struggling, it may be trial and error to work it out together.

Digestive28 · 02/04/2021 22:37

*anything not nothing!

Embracelife · 03/04/2021 11:40

Nothing you do will be correct
That s the nature of it
You cannot walk on eggshells
What works one time won't the next
So just be your usual self be nice be calm
If he reacts badly walk out for a break and say calmly I m going to take break now
He has to learn techniques from his therapists

blobby10 · 03/04/2021 12:49

thank you @Embracelife and @Digestive28 for all your constructive advice. It makes a lot of sense and is reassuring that I was already thinking along the same lines. One of my biggest peeves is when people say "I know just how you feel" with depression as its so very personal and different for everyone!

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ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 08/04/2021 16:01

Sorry, OP, "partner" not "wife" - but my point stands. You are not his therapist.

A depressed person will do their own thing regardless of what you or anyone else does/doesn't do, says/doesn't say. Sure, they may quote your words/actions/lack of action as justification, but it's a way of not taking responsibility.

Sorry I can't be more help.

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