My fault

[myfault]

Namechanged

I have reached a point where I think I need to leave, it's me, I'm making them miserable.

Married twenty years, multiple losses, failed IVF, told wouldn't have children, now have two under two.

The toddler was always high needs baby, crying, didn't sleep. The baby is the same.

Toddler moans, tantrums and cries from the moment the day starts. Baby same.

I'm so isolated and lonely. I'm scared to take them anywhere toddler behaviour is so bad. If I try and meet with a friend she's just horrible. Screaming, crying, moaning, won't share. I feel like I'm shaking and have no nerves left. The noise from the baby is constant.

Baby I have tried BF, combined feed, gaviscon, omeprazole, corelief, gripe water, neocate, nutramigen, comfort milk, different bottles, teats, swing, sling, pram, pushchair, bouncer, play mat, bath, sit up, tiger in tree, chiropractor/osteopath. Massage, chamomile, white noise, rocker, telly, music, singing.

Currently stuck on neocate, no change in two weeks, might as well give that up and save NHS money.

Toddler I tried all the above with when baby.

The more I sit here listening to it the more I think it's me. Dh is working, leaves 6am, home 10pm. There is nobody else to blame.

I want to get in the car and leave, but I don't have anywhere to go. They would be better without me. Nothing I do makes them happy and I have nothing left to give.

Is there some thing I'm missing, i can't go on like this.

There is no help. HV has not even met baby, she's four months. I'm so rural nobody would come here to help, family all far away and bubbled elsewhere.

So sorry you’re going through this. Is your husband aware of everything you’re going through? If it is completely impossible for him to give more support (there would have to be a very good reason) is there anyone else who can lend a hand? Family etc? Could you afford a doula or nanny to help with toddler? Please make a GP appointment and ask for support, this sounds really tough - I am a GP and would want to try and help you. Don’t struggle through alone.

@Thedot90 thank you. I spent two hours with gp last week when we moved to neocate. There's nothing else left to try. I just seem to have miserable children.

Nobody can help. He's a farmer. We have about 600 cattle still to calve and lambing hasn't even started.

I had counselling for anxiety after toddler born. I don't feel anxious, or like PND. I feel tired and shaky. Calm like I can see the problem now.

Other kids are not like this. Every single thing is a drama. Everything. I absolutely love them with every ounce of me but it's not enough for them.

Yes they are. I can assure you they are. DN slept in a jumperoo for 8 months because he would only sleep bolt upright. To feed him he had to be balanced on your knee with legs extended, so like sitting properly upright with legs hanging down while feeding and then held upright against your shoulder to be winded and kept in that position with his legs extended for an hour after feeding. Not allowed to scrunch up.

Otherwise he was unbearable. Awful nappies, constant wind, he just screamed and screamed.

Couldn't put him down at all at one point. His younger brother seemed to be going the same way but thankfully improved on goats milk formula. General consensus was some kind of allergy.

Toddlers are drama queens. All of them. So far today we've had hysterics because the rice crispies crackled too much, hysterics when they stopped. Tantrum because he wanted a bath then another tantrum because his little boat kept capsizing and then another whinge because the bubbles were disappearing. Then threw a fit that lasted 40 minutes because his hair was wet.

Frankly I could jump off the roof and this isn't even a particularly bad day.